Paternal Alienation Syndrome

[CTK]

Hey everyone,
I am new to this site and I am begging for some help. My ex wife and I have been divorced since 2002. Our daughter is now 12 years old. For the last 7 years I have been dating a woman that is 16 years younger than I. My daughter who was then 6 was and has been in love with her since they first met. Last year we got married and everything was still fine. Shortly after she started her period for the first time. Since then my daughter has found reasons NOT to come over. Several month ago we had a little falling out and she told me that she does NOT want to come over anymore. After crying and feeling sorry for myself I kind of came to terms with it and told her that when she wanted to come over just give me a call. 2 weeks later she called and said she missed me and wanted to come over. This has gone on since the past couple of weeks. This past weekend was our weekend and she sent me a text that said she did not want to come over and she did not want me to be her daddy. After complete shock we finally talked on Tuesday and decided we would go out to dinner today and talk. She sends me a text 4 hours early and says she is hungry now and can we go eat early. Of course I said yes. After talking for about an hour she tells me that she does not love me or my new wife, she does not want to come over, she does not want to go out of state to visit my parents, and the final kicker is that she does not want me to be her daddy anymore.When I ask her why she says things like: you don't let me wear clothes from mamas house, your car is old, we complain about food form restaurants, we complain about how she spells on facebook, that I am still in college (Masters), blah, blah, blah. But during this time she is crying, when I ask her why she says because it is so hard. When I ask what is hard she says this is. Has anyone had this experience? Does anyone have any advice? I do not know what to do. PLEASE HELP I AM DESPERATE!!!

[BartSimpson]

ummm . . . she's a typical teenager. What did you expect?

[tom kirkpatrick]

At best, these are roller coaster years. Emotions swing to and fro from one extreme to the other. It's no foregone conclusion, your daughter is entering womanhood. Until her hormones settle down, you can expect this behavior to continue for some years.

Do this - plot her mood swings on a calendar for the next several months. What you should find is that these mood swings occur with some regularity (like every 21 to 28 days, more or less). Knowing this will help you get a better grasp of what's really going on and just what to expect.

Tom

[CTK]

Ok, So should I make her come over? Or let her dictate the terms of < parenting time >? When she gets really upset she says it is because she knows I am going to make her come over.

[BartSimpson]

She's 12.

Yes, you make her come over.

Yes, you parent your child.

Did you think she just comes over to visit?

[dobradavid]

Dude she's 12 years old - I had four sisters go thru that stage. read up on it v- her body is awash with hormones.

There is a court order re: < parenting time >/parenting time. It's like going to school, sometimes we have to do this we don't want to do.

Your are the parent - parent her. Like going to the gym or broccholi - she may not like everything that is good for her.

[Trevor]

Sometimes boys are part of the picture when this starts happening. Wasn't there some huge drama in the Vacation movies when the little girl's world came apart when she'd have to spend a week away from her Romeo? [Rhet.]

[CTK]

The reason I asked if I should make her come over is not that I am questioning my parenting abilities; but the question of "Should I make her do something she does not want to do and if I do would that make it worse"? and have her hate me more in the long run.

[BartSimpson]

The reason I asked if I should make her come over is not that I am questioning my parenting abilities; but the question of "Should I make her do something she does not want to do and if I do would that make it worse"? and have her hate me more in the long run.

I get your concern, and I understood your concern from the begining.

As such, your own concern for her favor is what creates the paradox of your parenting abilities.

Are you smarter than a 12 year old? Does a 12 year old know what is best?

Methinks the guilt of the divorce is clouding your better judgement.

[defaultuser]

My response would be something simple:

You're stuck with me until you're 18. You can write me off then, but for the next 6 years I'm gonna be your dad because I love you.

BTW, she's testing you. She picked this up somewhere, probably from NJ, but she's pulling this, "I hate you don't leave me" thing. If she pushes you away and you leave, then she'll be angry because you don't care. She's putting you into a no-win situation.

Look up the term borderline personality disorder and see if she displays other behavior that fits. It can be fixed.