Unreasonable Custodial Parent

[Dad03aam]

Hello, I'm new to this forum. Just thought I'd summarize my situation. I have joint custody of my child with my ex. I have standard < parenting time >, with my child residing with my ex. To say the least, my ex is very unstable, moves frequently, speaks badly of me and my family (I'm remarried) to and around my child, is extremely unreasonable when it comes to pick-ups and drop-offs, leaves rude messages on our home and cell phones, to name just a few things.
Well, now my ex is in a situation where it would be easier (for my ex, of course) if my child lived with me as custodial parent. But my ex still wants to receive child support and leave everything as is legally and just to do this as a trial period. I have always wanted custody of my child but am unsure about doing this between ourselves. I don't want my child to adjust to living with me and going to school where I live only to be yanked back by my ex.
Is there a way we can have something in writing that will hold up in court in case this should happen, or is it just better to go to court and change the papers from the beginning? Either way, knowing my ex, it's going to be a fight; and I would like to do what is best for my child. Thank you for any help you can give.

[dadsdivorce]

If your child is to be primarily with you, then why should her CS remain? The money is supposed to be for the child, not her. Has she given a reason why she wants you to become the primary custodian?

[Captain Jim]

I know most other people look at this differently. but if it were me I would take the child and keep making CS payments. Don't ask for ANYTHING from her. No help. No money. Nothing. Establish a pattern showing that you are the primary parent. I'd keep it up for a year if you can afford it. I'd have a calendar that I marked EVERY SINGLE DAY showing where the child is and what you were doing. Don't let anyone know about your plan or your record keeping. Not even your closest friend. Make this so darn easy for her that she will love it. Don't push her to help or be a parent. Let her be free and don't ever say a bad word about her because it will get back to her and you'll be finished.

Then one year from now walk into court and let the record speak for itself. Also let the judge know how ridiculous it is that she's allowed to collect child support for a child she doesn't spend a dime to support. Just don't put anything in writing showing you agreed to keep paying support when you and you ex go to work this out in the beginning.

My ex would be soooooooo screwed right now if I went back into court. She doesn't get any CS but she doesn't pay any either and she only sees our son three days a month. I gotta tell you though, it's worth it. I can afford to not have help and quite frankly there isn't a price I can put on having my son full time. Even in the tough times it's the best feeling in the entire world.

Play smart. Don't worry about winning the tiny battles. Play for the long run. Make this very very very easy for your ex.

[Gecko]

Well, now my ex is in a situation where it would be easier (for my ex, of course) if my child lived with me as custodial parent. But my ex still wants to receive child support and leave everything as is legally and just to do this as a trial period. I have always wanted custody of my child but am unsure about doing this between ourselves. I don't want my child to adjust to living with me and going to school where I live only to be yanked back by my ex.

What I would do is file a Stipulated Agreement with the courts transfering primary custody to you, but making no mention of child support. Continue paying her for 3 to 6 months and then file a motion with the courts to modify child support.

[kahuna]

I'm with CJ. Keep paying her and let her think she is getting her way. Meanwhile, enroll the child in school near you and make sure the kid has all the comfort he needs and deserves. After about a year of this, file a motion for a custody modification citing the time spent with you over the last year as a "significant change in circumstance." You will need an attorney but you will be setting up what is called "de facto" custody. The best thing is that she will think she is getting her way, and she will...for a year.

Basically, would you trade one year CS for custody of your kid? I think you would.

[Captain Jim]

There's no way I'd file a Stip Agreement with the courts yet. She clearly said she wants to do this as a trial. In female terms that means she wants to see if she gets < edited > for this or if she can do it without looking bad. If you file I'm willing to bet my cat that she'll get spooked and the deal will be done before it even gets rolling.

[Pete]

CJ is dead on. If you can have your child, get the physical custody of the child without any court order...keep paying the CS and let the court handle it once 1 year is under your belt AND you kept paying.

A stip agreement is all well and good, but I did read a recent post where this COMPLETELY backfired on the guy....once the ex realizied no custody equaled no support--she bailed on signing.

CJs method would be more short term costs, but once custody has be in fact changed for over a year, there is little the ex can do to "change her mind" and the court will order appropriately.

[HockeyDad]

I have to agree with CJ on this one. I've tried to get my ex to sign an agreement and she won't do it. She likes the "trial period" freedom waaaaay too much and I've come to the conclusion that she will NEVER sign anything. So I'm doing what CJ is and just letting time build up, paying her. Then one of these days....BAM! It's building precedence.

HD