Wife wants out

[Tim87]

My wife recently told me she wants a divorce. She says she has been unhappy for years and cannot believe that I did not know this. We have 2 daughters that i love very much. She says they will get through it fine. How can a mother of 2 beautiful daughters and everything else going for us be so unhappy. She is mad about everything that i bring up to her, if i am looking at reality like the financial aspects of this divorce she says i need to be more positive.

[David GS]

well, she has every reason to be positive ... she will get all the money, and you will get screwed.

Sorry you have to go through this, but you're definitely in the right place ... Get "The List" from this site, get a plan, and go on the offensive. Gloves come off and the war begins, and whatever you do, DON'T BE THE NICE GUY!!! Get that out of your head NOW. Being nice and reasonable with her at this point will simply increase the pain and the depth of the screwing.

[WhyMe]

I am in the same boat as you are my friend. What a mess.

Here is something that I found that seems to provide some clarity at least for me. It does not help me any but it is the best explanation I have found.

Now let us consider the other gender: is there a pattern to be found among women in their decision to get divorced? Yes, in fact there is an unmistakable and almost invariable profile of women who choose divorce. They are in their 30s; their husbands, by the wives' own description, are decent guys; they have young kids; and, almost invariably, they have a boyfriend.

Every day I meet with a man in his 30s whose wife wants a divorce. My client is usually stunned and confused. His wife is sending mixed signals, and her reasons for wanting a divorce are vague. She even seems, at times at least, ambivalent as to whether she wants the divorce. My client desperately wants to save the marriage. His tendency is to blame himself and to irrationally focus on his deficiencies as a husband. He tends to cling to her (in effect if not in fact), repeatedly asking for another chance. He pathetically assures her he will do better. If I ask him what exactly there is for him to do better, he commences an anguished recital of a much-considered and lengthy list of his spousal failings. As I listen, I realize these items cannot, even cumulatively, explain his wife's decision.

What my client does not yet realize, however, is that his wife's decision to surrender her family has nothing to do with him. I believe the stimulus is something much deeper. The fact is that women in their 30s are intensely conscious of aging. You do not have to have a Ph.D. in sociology to realize that the fact of aging is of more importance and urgency to your wife than it is to you. Women in this culture (perhaps in all cultures) have not failed to notice that physical and sexual attractiveness are powerful and frequently determinate factors in their relationships with men. Therefore there is a closing window of opportunity for women in their 30s to obtain a desirable mate. For married women this means a lateral move or, better still, the opportunity to trade up. Put differently, the cement is drying. If such a woman is not completely "fulfilled" (whatever that means), she must take steps soon, if ever, to rectify the situation.

[Captain Jim]

Send her to live with me for a week. She will run back to you so fast it will make your head spin! "What was I thinking Tim???? You are so good to me! Please don't make me go back to CJ!!!"

One word of advice if you decide to send her to me. Move before she comes running back.

[Tim87]

Our relationship is by no means perfect. We have fought over many things and often. Many of the fights were over trivial things. She thinks that this is not how marriages are, and i agree that we fight too much, but neither wants to give in. She thinks a marriage is all affection and love the whole time. But most of our time is taking care of our 2 girls, which takes a lot of time and effort. Let alone moving to her home town less then a year ago, buying a big house and all the changes she wants done to it. Why is there not a ounce of wanting to try to work this out at least for the kids sake. She does not understand that to give the kids the best possible advantage in life is to be a intact family.

[Captain Jim]

You need to let go and move on fast my friend or you are in for a serious beating, both emotional and financial.

It helped me a lot to realize that I could always change my mind and marry her again if we realized we made a mistake. Until that time I needed to do things the right way. I'm going to cut and paste what I said below because it definitely applies to you too. Please do yourself a favor. Read it and listen to it.

"File now. Keep in mind that she is the one wanting freedom. Allow her to go get it, but that means that she is the one who has to leave. Tell her it's ok to leave, that you're ready to move on too.

I'm amazed at what an ex will throw away in the beginning. The trick is to move this thing along so fast that she doesn't have time to consult her greedy divorced friends. One other trick. Don't make her feel like she is doing anything bad. Don't throw any guilt her way. Make it as easy as you can. let her play at night while you take the kids. Make it easy on her and get it done fast!!!!!"

[Tim87]

I do know that is the best scenario, and thanks for the advice. That is what i am going to do. Because she has told me she wants 50/50 physical/legal custody. I am still torn with the kids involved, whereas i think that this is all for her with herself only thinking about herself. I still have a huge issue with her being the mother of our kids and not wanting what is best for them or at least trying to give them the best. What about this, she now thinks we will have to sell the house and with us switching off living with her mom, who lives about 1 block away. Is this a good scenario? She is totally on my side and has told me this, this has also made my wife mad and want it more. The house we bought was on the market for 2 years before we bought it. This could be drawn out a long time with this living arrangement.

[WhyMe]

Captian Jim, are you saying that he should file first even though it is his wife that wants out?

I am in the same boat and have been dealing with a wife who has told me she wants out for the past 6 months.

Because I am going insane I want to file because for some reason she wont. I want to just to try and move on.

Some people have told me that it does not matter who files first. Others have told me that if I file first I will be looked at as the instigator and my wife the victim. This will put her in better standing.

I'm so confused.

[David GS]

Get a recording of your wife saying she wants out, time and date stamped, then file. That takes care of her saying "he left me. I wanted to work it out." and still allows you to go on the offense.

[Investigate8]

I don't understand why anyone would tolerate being married to someone who wanted out. Staying married is only going to drive you to more misery.