Mom moved to Denver - I live in NY - anything I can do?

[Dave01]

Hi and thanks for any advice.

My ex-girlfriend and I are both to be first time parents. I currently reside in NYC where I met her - she has since moved back to Denver/Wyoming where her support circle is. We have a baby girl due the end of October. The stance I have from the mom is 'send money' and then 'get out of the way/i don't want you involved.'

I have a stable job and have been there for 5+ years.
I have health insurance provided through work.

Mom does not have a job. Has been in undergrad for 5+ years.
She has no health insurance.

Do I have any chance of splitting custody? Perhaps I could be with my child in NY for the summer months?

My concern is that the mother is not going to make time for me to even Skype with the child, as she has stated so already.

Baby momma comes across as together and will most certainly woo the court as the perfect stay at home mom.

Do I have any chance of getting split-custody?

Thanks,
Dave

[Trevor]

You gave rights, but only if the kid is yours. Do your homework on getting a DNA test done. Look into the putative fathers registry and make sure that you don't sign anything acknowledging you are the father.

[Fatheroffour]

+1 to making sure the baby is yours. Don't be foolish and not find out definitively.

[Trevor]

The stance I have from the mom is 'send money' and then 'get out of the way/i don't want you involved.'

1. You may not be a parent. Get a DNA test done the day the child is born. Do your homework. Start now.

2. The quoted line above should be interpreted as: I got pregnant and because I know you aren't the only candidate for paternity and I don't have the balls to admit that to you or my family. I'll just run away, take advantage of your good and trusting nature (ostensibly for assuming you are the father and sending money obediently), and have you pay for the child, whosever it is biologically. That way, I don't have to face the fact that I cheated and lied, and ripped you off for the next 18 years; everyone is primed and ready to receive me as the virtuous "single mom, doing it all on my own" while you are the Hole who runs away from your responsibility. This is all to say nothing of the emotional damage facing the baby for never really knowing her father; the emotional damage to you for believing you have a child that I put a thousand miles out of your reach; and the bio father who will never get to know his beautiful daughter. You will be writing checks to support the product of my whorish behavior - someone else's child - while the real Dad never knows anything is happening. My family will forever think you're the one that tainted their baby girl, and you're the deadbeat...never knowing the truth. But hey, I won't have to face reality, I just have to pretend that you are the father and are the one running away, even if you are busting your nuts trying to see the child.

3. If the child is proven by the DNA test not to be yours, then the price of that test is worthwhile to you, saving you probably over $100,000.

4. If it is yours, then you may have to move to where the child lives in order to be in her life. It could be that if you have a great job you can afford to fly for your parenting time, but I dunno if a court would order her to pay for your travel, even though she moved away from the child's father. Not sure how deep are your pockets but again, best way to be the child's Dad is to live where the child lives.

5. You have a couple months' time to research CO and NY paternity statutes. Start today. Both will likely indicate how you "establish" paternity. Since the baby's not yet born but will be out in CO, I'd start there.

6. We advocate for strong father-child relationships here, so if you are determined to prioritize your job over your (DNA test-proven) child and accept minimal, long-distance time with the child, at least have some thick skin because you may get a blister or two.

[Dave01]

Thanks to all of you for the time taken to offer me a reply.

I am most certainly getting a DNA test - I spoke with a lawyer and they said that is the FIRST step before anything happens. Baby Mom keeps saying 'pray for immaculate conception' - she seems convinced. Either way, yes, I am definitely getting the test done immediately once the baby is born. Obviously, she was highly offended with my mention of the test and continues to ridicule me about it - but let's be honest, it's a MUST.

As for visiting my daughter (if so), the price I will pay in child support monthly effectively prices me out of paying additionally for air, hotel, car to visit her (I just cannot make it work). I was completely frustrated by this realization. Yes, moving is an option - but that would certainly have me worried as I have a job that is very much a NYC job, pays me well enough to support my daughter and offer her health insurance.

As of last I heard, baby is planned to touchdown in Denver and then make its way up to Cheyenne, Wyoming where the ex will live with her parents for the first several months. My research told me I need to study Wyoming custody law in this case.

I have a hard time understanding why we can't co-parent, with my daughter living half the year with me in NYC (school doesn't start until 6+). Am I completely out of touch with this logic? And what gives her the right to travel across the entire country?

[Trevor]

1. Good job on consulting/hiring a lawyer. You're on the right track.

2. Her "taking offense" is another tell-tale red-flag, dude. Lay low, stop talking to her. She has removed the child from who she asserts is the father, which is bad enough, but professes intent to eliminate you from the kid's life except though dollars. And the moron ridicules YOU? She has a career in political campaign ads, methinks.

3. Start researching employment opportunities in CO or WY, they actually have companies that hire people there too. And they have insurance there, really! You should think seriously about (assuming the child is yours) the wonderful changes to your life that parenting will bring you, that a NY -> CO/WY distance will dampen hard. The child deserves a local Dad, and your life will be better for having baby puke on your shirt, changing a daiper, watching that first dance recital, helping with homework, watching her learn and grow and study medicine or something and to deflect all the losers that will want to bed her. Come on, all that compared to a freaking JOB? Don't get us started, bro.

4. Since the child isn't born she can live where she wants to. In America we can do that.

[coscrewed]

You need to get a paternity test, definitely. If you are the father, you need to assert your rights as a father, and also step up to being a father and supporting your child.

As a practical matter, this will be very difficult staying in NY. If you do consider moving out here, keep in mind that Cheyenne is 90 miles from central Denver, and with the usual traffic up that way, it is a good two hours away during commutes. Cheyenne is only 60,000 people, so finding a job up there is tough. It isn't much better in Denver. You are in a tough situation. What is to say if you move out here that the mother won't move back to NY or somewhere else?

If you are the father, you *must* get started in "the system" as soon as the child is born. Many states, and I know for a fact that Colorado and New York are both this way, allow retroactive child support to be ordered back to birth regardless of what transpired between birth and the time child support is asked for. Colorado even has *no* statute of limitations, which means a 30 year old child can file for back child support. Even if the mother just wants you gone, and swears on a stack of bibles that she'll never ask for support, and even signs some kind of paper stating that, the *child* can still come back decades later and get every penny you should have paid. New York is similar but has a statute of limitations that ends at 21. Do not pay a dime that is not court-ordered expecting it to be credited toward child support later. It won't be. You could send her $1000/mo outside of a court order for 10 years, and all the cancelled checks in the world would mean nothing - she or the child could still come back decades later and hit you for support for that period. Get a support order in place as soon as the child is born, follow the order to the letter, and keep flawless documentation about what you pay.

At least you didn't marry her - you'd be paying a ton of alimony on top of child support if you had.