Stepfather Issues

[Trevor]

C&D letters are sometimes called "angry lawyer letters" and they can be effective as a first salvo in situations like this. And no, when a judge makes a statement it's called an Order or a Judgment, not a C&D letter, though a judge might order her to stop her behavior. But what judges do are the result of legal action by you, a petition or motion before the court to stop this rubbish; and your C&D letter (R3) is a first step in documenting your claim as a foundation for further necessary action.

Nobody with ANY sense thinks that coaching a minor child that their last name is different from their father's, unless the father is dead and/or the child is adopted legally, is healthy for the kid. If your X has a lawyer and you send this letter, my guess is the lawyer calls your X and says "I dunno if this is happening, but you'd better not be doing stupid <poo> like this." It really is a defenseless act of bullying toward your child.

Tell us more about your emails with this chump...are they one conversation or three separate attempts by you to stop his behavior? Have you written emails to your X and received responses too? What kinds of things were in the answers? Did they deny it or give you a hard time for thinking this was a problem? How long have you been complaining about this damaging behavior?

Don't expect the court to do more than wag its finger at them. You probably won't get additional parenting time as a consequence of her behavior if you file a motion for contempt (since most boilerplate divorce decrees have some language about never talking bad about the other parent), until it repeats itself after the judge hears about it again. You may also try to find a few other things you want to clean up in your decree while you are at it, to make it more cost effective for you.

[FatherinDTW]

C&D letters are sometimes called "angry lawyer letters" and they can be effective as a first salvo in situations like this. And no, when a judge makes a statement it's called an Order or a Judgment, not a C&D letter, though a judge might order her to stop her behavior. But what judges do are the result of legal action by you, a petition or motion before the court to stop this rubbish; and your C&D letter (R3) is a first step in documenting your claim as a foundation for further necessary action.

Nobody with ANY sense thinks that coaching a minor child that their last name is different from their father's, unless the father is dead and/or the child is adopted legally, is healthy for the kid. If your X has a lawyer and you send this letter, my guess is the lawyer calls your X and says "I dunno if this is happening, but you'd better not be doing stupid <poo> like this." It really is a defenseless act of bullying toward your child.

Tell us more about your emails with this chump...are they one conversation or three separate attempts by you to stop his behavior? Have you written emails to your X and received responses too? What kinds of things were in the answers? Did they deny it or give you a hard time for thinking this was a problem? How long have you been complaining about this damaging behavior?

Don't expect the court to do more than wag its finger at them. You probably won't get additional parenting time as a consequence of her behavior if you file a motion for contempt (since most boilerplate divorce decrees have some language about never talking bad about the other parent), until it repeats itself after the judge hears about it again. You may also try to find a few other things you want to clean up in your decree while you are at it, to make it more cost effective for you.

The kids calling him daddy, and the NJ telling them their last name is different all started about a year ago. On top of it they have told the kids that one of my friends (who iused to be the NJ's BFF until she complained about how they were treating the kids) is a bad person, and is trying to take them away. I started complaining about all this last Summer. Then I sent a long note around end of 2011 about it...they don't reply....but the behavior continues. Then a month or so ago, I called the stepdad out on the kids calling him "Daddy" and he basically told me I was overracting, hung up on the past, and that I was insecure. He told me that the kids are ok with it, and that I'm the one with the problem.

So how do I go about doing the C&D letter?

[Trevor]

Write one. Indicate the behavior you are seeing, your objections to it, their failure to stop it, and the fact that if it doesn't stop immediately, you will pursue legal means to stop it. Send it certified R3 today.

If you have a lawyer, have him/her review it and send it. Or post your letter here and the boys will take a swing at it.

You might search the deltabravo website for sample language for this issue, or draft it yourself. I am not sure there's one on that site, but I would think there is.

[FatherinDTW]

Write one. Indicate the behavior you are seeing, your objections to it, their failure to stop it, and the fact that if it doesn't stop immediately, you will pursue legal means to stop it. Send it certified R3 today.

If you have a lawyer, have him/her review it and send it. Or post your letter here and the boys will take a swing at it.

You might search the deltabravo website for sample language for this issue, or draft it yourself. I am not sure there's one on that site, but I would think there is.

Thank you! I will do this....probably go through my lawyer.

[newwife]

You are not overreacting.
You are not overreacting.
You are not overreacting.

Now that's out of the way. There is no excuse for your ex alienating you and putting her new Mr. Wonderful as their father.

The act of signing up to be your coach in and of itself isn't necessarily bad-however in context you know this is done spitefully.

If Mr. Wonderful used to be a quartback and you've never played football-no reason that Mr. Wonderful can't volunteer to help your son. If your role as their father was concrete-there would be no issue with this. That is the situation others might see.

What you know is the alienating behavior other than that. That's what you have to point out.
Allowing your children to call him Daddy isn't just about you-and you as a father. It affects them emotionally.

My own daughter, who very young-I hadn't remarried-but had a boyfriend. His name is similar to Dad(so for a one year old it sounded the same). and his(my bf's) daughter lived with us-and called him dad. There was a period of time where she called him dad and thought of him in that same context as dad (because the other girls in the house called him dad and because his name was close to "Dad"). It took a lot of coaching on my part-but even I'll admit in that period she was confused-and I'm sure there was emotional uncertainty. Granted-your children are older-but that issue is still there. They're young enough where they're still developing who they are and how they view relationships. Don't forget that.

[FatherinDTW]

Yea I think I will be a coach on his team. But one of my friends at work said that would be the reaction he is trying to get out of me. You see they keep on playing these games with me to get a reaction...hoping that I overract and do something really stupid...so that they can use it against me. My friend said if I don't react to it, and completely ignore it...they will get the message that they will not get to me by playing games.

But I still think I will go in as a coach. It's just feels wrong to be standing out on the sidelines while my son is playing on the field. And I have no problem with him being a coach as well...it will just make him look like an ***hole.

[BartSimpson]

Yea I think I will be a coach on his team. But one of my friends at work said that would be the reaction he is trying to get out of me. You see they keep on playing these games with me to get a reaction...hoping that I overract and do something really stupid...so that they can use it against me. My friend said if I don't react to it, and completely ignore it...they will get the message that they will not get to me by playing games.

Your friend is wrong. Very wrong. Horribly wrong. Is your friend a woman?

Passive-aggressive behavior never achieves results in these situations, and the fact that you have danced around the "Daddy" and "Last Name" issue for over a year has only empowered them to push the limits further and further.

They will get the message when you stand up to their antics, pursue them legally and shut this crappola down.

[secondhalf]

You see they keep on playing these games with me to get a reaction...hoping that I overract and do something really stupid...so that they can use it against me.

Yes, they are probably doing this to get under your skin and see what you will do next. Go all out and stand up for yourself in the court system. That will put some legal teeth into your reaction and show them you are done putting up with their games.

As I mentioned earlier, I believe that your kids will also eventually see the games that they play. But, you do need to stand up for yourself or your kids may see those games as an ordinary part of life.

[FatherinDTW]

Ok...so I sent in my request to be an assistant coach. They e-mail me back asking if I want to be the head coach . So I said sure....d**khead will be my assistant..LOL.

[FatherinDTW]

Btw- one more recommendation. Pressure as many dads as possible to join as assistants. Even those that can't make it every day. Get a committment from all of them for something.
That is job one for the head coach.
Your best bet of an easy and successful season is delegating as much as possible and breaking the kids down into small groups for practice drills.
Good luck.

yup I know. Just finished up managing my boy's little league team...it's like herding sheep at their age.