NJ's mist recent court threat

[Bobro]

We're on a mediated agreement with close to 50/50, a little more time in her favor. We've agreed that neither of us pay each other. I'm currently in school, which she hates and is insisting that I instead get a job. I don't owe her money. But she keeps telling me that she can take me to court to make me prove that I can provide for the kids. I CAN provide for them because my wife makes a good income. NJ insists that the court will expect me to prove that I am providing income, not my wife. I realize this is a crazy approach on her part, but she keeps saying it in front of the kids, culminating with the last drop off during which she screamed at the kids as I was walking them away from her that their father is a loser with a sugar mama. Wish I had recorded all this. What recourse might I have? If anything, it seems to me like her emphasizing my lack of income might result in a judgement that she owes me monthly, no? I've been fine with agreeing to no payments either way since we are both able to provide for the kids, but this latest outburst is really beyond the par. What might happen if we actually went to court? We're in CA. Thanks.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

We're on a mediated agreement with close to 50/50, a little more time in her favor. We've agreed that neither of us pay each other. I'm currently in school, which she hates and is insisting that I instead get a job. I don't owe her money. But she keeps telling me that she can take me to court to make me prove that I can provide for the kids. I CAN provide for them because my wife makes a good income. NJ insists that the court will expect me to prove that I am providing income, not my wife. I realize this is a crazy approach on her part, but she keeps saying it in front of the kids, culminating with the last drop off during which she screamed at the kids as I was walking them away from her that their father is a loser with a sugar mama. Wish I had recorded all this. What recourse might I have? If anything, it seems to me like her emphasizing my lack of income might result in a judgement that she owes me monthly, no? I've been fine with agreeing to no payments either way since we are both able to provide for the kids, but this latest outburst is really beyond the par. What might happen if we actually went to court? We're in CA. Thanks.

How is it that you can provide for them because your wife has a good income, yet you are receiving no payments? What is your source of income?

Get an audio recorder. Have it on hand for her next outburst. Without that as proof, you just have your word vs. hers

[blueTexas]

If you are serious about no payments either way, then simply return any money (under the table) from her that is court-ordered.
To keep her happy and accepting of the current arrangement, you might offer to compensate for her outlay after you've got your degree and presumably have a good income.
Maybe this is obvious, but It's in your interest to keep the interaction between your wife and the ex at a bare minimum, i.e. none at all.

[newwife]

Woman's point of view coming:

Right now, you are going to school and don't have a job. If you went to court now, she could have to pay YOU child support.
If you get a good job(instead of going to school), odds are she can take you to court and get money from you.
Child support can be modified at a later date, due to circumstance changes-no matter what was agreed on originally.

Reread the second sentence. She wants to be able to get child support from you. That's why she's trying to guilt you into getting a job. NJ Mentality.
Just sayin!

[Bobro]

How is it that you can provide for them because your wife has a good income, yet you are receiving no payments? What is your source of income?

Not sure of the point here? Are you saying that I should be going after the ex for payment? We agreed not to do that (I know, but it's just not worth it for the short term that this will be the case). Or are you saying that I should be able to provide for them outside of my wife's income? My understanding is that as long as we have agreed not to pay each other (which I'm fine with - less drama, everyone's fine financially), then the court won't care if I decide to go to school.

I was SO close to recording the last outburst I described. I just didn't get the camera in place quickly enough. I should have predicted it, but somehow seem to think that NJ is not going to be crazy this one time. Lesson learned.

And for the record, my wife has no contact with NJ. NJ just knows that my wife makes a good income and it drives her crazy. She was always hoping to be with a partner that would do that for her (that was me at many points, but not all - for richer or poorer was one of our many issues.) She hasn't yet found that person, so she's livid that my wife is able to provide for the kids and me while I go to school. It's not ideal, obviously, but we're making it work - and it certainly is a bit of a bonus that it pisses NJ off so much that we live comfortably and can do certain things for the kids even though I'm going to school.

[C3156]

I am guessing that initially you both made about the same when you split up. Now later that you are married, you have the opportunity to go back to school to make yourself a better person. Good for you bro.

currently in school, which she hates and is insisting that I instead get a job.

Of course she does, she wants a cut of your paycheck. Just because you ageed initially to not pay each other does not mean she cannot take you to court later when you make more money. Or she is afraid that you will take her to court for child support.

If anything, it seems to me like her emphasizing my lack of income might result in a judgement that she owes me monthly

Child support is typically based on the parents income. If she is making money and you are not, she should be paying YOU for the support of the children.

[Southern.Putter]

I realize this is a crazy approach on her part, but she keeps saying it in front of the kids, culminating with the last drop off during which she screamed at the kids as I was walking them away from her that their father is a loser with a sugar mama. Wish I had recorded all this. What recourse might I have? If anything, it seems to me like her emphasizing my lack of income might result in a judgement that she owes me monthly, no? I've been fine with agreeing to no payments either way since we are both able to provide for the kids, but this latest outburst is really beyond the par. What might happen if we actually went to court? We're in CA. Thanks.

The other thing you might want to keep in mind, assuming that you start recording her insanity so that you'll have some genuine evidence to present to the judge instead of the same old "he said she said" stuff, is that you should argue that you should have primary/majority custody. Why? Because she is engaging in parental alienation and is disrupting the kids' ability to maintain a healthy respect for and relationship with both parents.

The courts like for kids to have relationships with both parents. All other things being equal, they want the parent who is most likely to promote that type of healthy relationship to be the primary one "in control" of the children. Just some food for thought and for discussion with your counsel.

[Bobro]

I should add that one of the reasons no payment is happening is because my lawyer told me that NJ could make the case that I could make x amount of salary if I wasn't in school and that any child support could be based on that. Even then, she'd probably still be owing me since she's made more than I have in the past years, even when I had a job. I'd just like to avoid money changing hands, as that's when things get ugly. But am I right in assuming that if she followed through with taking me to court (these have mostly been empty threats, and I'm not crazy about going to court myself), the court would likely order her to pay me? Even though I'm in school and not trying to be employed right now? NJ's assertion has been that the court will insist that I show I can support the kids outside of my wife's income, in other words that I should be only trying to get a job and not consider school. My understanding is that the court wouldn't like it if I was in school instead of trying to get a job, but as long as I don't owe NJ child support, it won't care.

But maybe I should just say 'whatever' to the drama caused by going for a judgement and try to get money from her? I'm not really likely to do that, but I did pay her while I was unemployed and struggling, before I got the court-ordered settlement changed. So I've always been the one suffering by going by the book. Maybe it's her turn...

[Thoughts?]

Alot of this depends on timing. If you quit a well paying job that would have been cause for you to pay support due to guidelines, she could argue you did so intentionally to get out of your obligations.

From a strategy perspective, she would have to successfully argue that income should be imputed to you sufficient that CA guidelines would show you as owing support.

If you're attorney has told you your likely income is such that she would still pay you or you would likely owe nothing, then her argument goes out the window.

That you're going to school so you can provide a better future life for your children is good. That your new wife helps provide for you & your kids is admirable on her part, and your ex is simply resentful. However, for your own self esteem, and to show your children a reasonable example, work hard at your studies, complete your degree in a reasonable job, and eventually give something back to the household, your wife and your children -- a higher standard of living -- that shows your children you are a stand up guy.

What your ex says is immaterial. In fact, as you rightly surmise, her slamming you in front of the kids could be very damaging to her in court. I would start carrying an MP3 or have your Iphone turned on record, and get some of her tirades recorded. Depending on your state laws, you may wish to declare to her up front that exchanges will be recorded -- otherwise they'll be useless in court. However, $5 says it'll get her to keep her mouth shut.

[grgr]

NJ's assertion has been that the court will insist that I show I can support the kids outside of my wife's income, in other words that I should be only trying to get a job and not consider school.

Not true - look at all the sahm's, both remarried and single, who do not work or provide direct support to their kids. As long as your children are provided for while they are in your care it's none of your ex's business where the money comes from.