The game is afoot

[burned_out]

Hello all - Not so great to be here but I could only take so much of the lies and < bull poo poo >.... <edited to not be too overly descriptive...prying eyes>

The third affair is out in the open. Since my scenario is probably of no big suprise to anyone here, I am looking for feedback in how to approach remediation with my primary goal to keep a 50/50 split on my daughter

Having spoken to several lawyers I have a solid fault divorce case, but will most likely get ripped to hell in litigation with alimony and primary care giver roles being doled out to the mom. The fourth laywer I met with confirmed I am most likely not going to do better than a 50/50 split and that if she is agreeable to such a deal it may make it less costly and work out for you than having the courts review the fact that although she's been a worthless slut, that doesn't take away her mom capabilities (really? in the Middle East she'd be taking a dirt nap for this < edited >)

She will work via remediation cause she knows were broke - no savings only my salary which just went up considerably. I have over-read on so many things to do - I have a pretty good lawyer lined up with three ready to go scenarios.

Am I really destined for the every other weekend dad routine while I pay this sloot money to live in the house I created, to see the only thing that matters to me a few days a month while I live in a < edited >? This thought alone makes me want to burn the damned village to the ground and litigate every inch of this process even if it bankrupts me. I take a breath though and know that bankrupting me will only hurt my kid in the end.....

Anyone have a decent rememdiation strategy pointer I can reference besides just consulting with my lawyer?

[nevermorenevermore]

Anyone have a decent rememdiation strategy pointer I can reference besides just consulting with my lawyer?

poison.

[Chosen2Dad]

Where are you in the process? she just told you and you have done nothing...just meeting with the lawyers? it sucks...but as long as you don't file...continue to build...read the List...look at FatherofFour's sign or defaultuser's sig...

hold out as long as possible and build the case...

you are not destined to EOW if you plan accordingly...

[defaultuser]

Here is my 2 cents.

You should collect evidence of the affair and use it only to prevent alimony if that is the way your state works. Find out about that.

Next step is to secure your place as a father and more than a provider of child support. You must document your role as a dad. Journal all the things you do with your kid. This has very little to do with your wife. Its all about you and the kid. Make a record of your great relationship. It will be important to get you the 50/50.

Then, you need to cut off her benefits. Change your direct deposit to an account in your name only and cut off every luxury possible in your name. If something is in her name, let her know you will no longer be paying for it. Her cell phone (make sure you have a land line for her to use), internet access, cable TV, you name it. Turn it all off. Give her zero cash. You may want to give her $20 a week in the form of a Walmart gift card to cover her personal items.

Now she will have a reason to find work. This will help you out with child support, and also reduce her ability to be there for your kid, which will help with 50/50. When she complains, tell her you simply can't afford it and she needs to get a job.

Your student loans are not marital debt (at least I think so), so be aware that you will be paying those on your own while your X wife collects on your degree in the form of child support (hopefully not alimony) because you make more than her. Plan out your financial future. Save money for a lawyer and give her nothing.

Read the list because she will find a lawyer and accuse you of domestic violence so you'll need to be careful to protect yourself. Good luck.

[hoosier_dad]

If I would have filed immediately when I found out about my SAHM ex's affair I would have received EOW custody. Instead I built my case and received 50/50 custody and the marital home 5 months after finding out about the affair. Have either of you filed yet? If not you might want to consider your goals and strategy before moving too quickly.

[burned_out]

The adultery is well documented. I've set up a journal and write everything i do down. I have zeroded in on a lawyer i feel can help me. I have strongly pushed to set up this first remediation meeting because i know the NJ is beyond clueless on the particulars of shared custody. She is in this place where she doesn't think we will need babysitter support between times that she is working or i am working. As far as finances she's no longer on any of my shared credit - she still has access to the joint checking.....i am fearful that pulling the money back will hurt remediation. Im about to turn off her cell on the family plan cause i found that someone gave her a go phone. Still kind of floored the lying is still so thick. I keep my conversations purely business. I don't want eow custody. Id stay in the home but all the professional advice as well as online I've digested say i won't win. There is zero bad mommy dirt. She's done this part of her job well. Maryland won't decide little.if any on alimony and adultery. I've read the list.... Sharing the same roof. If i turn off the $ i don't see how this helps remediation

[hoosier_dad]

There is zero bad mommy dirt. She's done this part of her job well.

The experience of the forum is that bad mommy dirt (aside from drugs, alcohol, suicide risk etc) is not the strategy that results in a good custody result for Dads. Promoting Dad and showing the status quo of your current parenting arrangement are what get a decent result. If your STBX is carrying on her 3rd affair is it safe to assume that she spends considerable time away from the marital home and your daughter? If that is the case and you have a school age daughter I think you'd be surprised if you looked at the actual hours in the day that her SAHM role matters.

On the negative side your commute definitely hurts your chances. With 50/50 custody how will you handle mornings getting your daughter ready for school and still make it to work on time. How about after school, will she go to aftercare or would the ex pick her up until you made it home? The judge will want to hear your anticipated daily routine in a 50/50 custody situation.

[burned_out]

Ironic how such a Christian organization like the YMCA where summer camp and workouts were the place where two of these affairs got their start. I can't show where daily absences are issues but i can show mountains of weekends where it was me and my girl out doing things or me at home with her for large portions of weekends. Guess i need a concrete plan to walk into remediation with and should vette w the attorney

[BartSimpson]

Remediation is for Hazardous Waste Sites.

Mediation is the word you are looking for . . .

Cutting off her phone because Mr. Wonderful gave her one isn't a good tactic, it's revenge. Cutting off her finances so you can pay for an attorney and preserve the family's assets is different. Either you do it all, or do none.

I see you tip-toeing around hoping you won't upset her, then also claiming she's dumb as a box of rocks. Which is it? (Dumb as rocks is quickly solved by her getting an attorney.)

Are you clear on Mediation and what role it plays in your divorce? What is the role of the mediator in Maryland - do they report to the Judge, or just try to get a deal?

[burned_out]

Mediation done up.front will minimize any court ordered mediation here. Im not so much worried about upsetting as i am missing the opportunity to get a reasonable split of everything. I am confused about the long term consequences of making any next step. Can i hurt anything by doing an initial mediation meeting? I can have my lawyer draft my plan... I could sit with her and lay it out prior.....if i file. I've been.told.the first stop will be forced mediation on temp arrangements. I feel i would do better holding out on the filing....