What to do to begin divorce?

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Bud...with your Army disability/retirement...GO HIRE A LAWYER. Do yourself a favor and do that. If she's reasonable...yeah...you don't NEED a lawyer for a six month marriage. That's what all FIVE of the lawyers I spoke with told me about my 11 month marriage. "You shouldn't need a lawyer." Here I am...three months later and I have to take her to court to boot her out of my own house (commonwealth state). So yeah...if you think that you're going to save yourself a buck by skipping on the expense of a lawyer...think again.

We have no kids. We sat down today and tried to talk civilly and that went no where. She stated that she wanted what was hers and I take what is mine, but then when I told her I bought the living room furniture and TV before we were married with my money she said no I want that.

Basically I would like to walk away with what is mine, but if I had to leave today with nothing, but the shirt on my back but not have to pay her anything else I would be happy. She owes about 12,000 on a vehicle which I have been paying every month. She purchased it before we even knew each other and her mother cosigned the loan for it. She has probably $28,000 in debt for her physicians assistant school, $20,000 prior to marriage $8,000 after I have not signed either.

I basically just want what is mine and don't want this to turn into a mess or be stuck with her debt or owing her alimony payments.

Walk away. Seriously...this can tie you up for months and cost you THOUSANDS in attorney fees. What's that furniture worth to you?

Let me put this in perspective for you. My NJ is likely going to destroy all of my military trinkets (i.e. uniforms, pictures, etc.) and anything else that she knows I care about when I left when she gets the order to vacate the house.

You having to suck it up and let her take some of your furniture is a small price to pay to have her out of your life. Try to look at the big picture (getting her out of your life with minimal pain/effort/misery) and don't get too wrapped up with the little things.

Edit:

A little update here. I ponied up and spent the money for a consultation with an attorney. According to him I am not on the hook for any of her school loans or vehicle loan which is great. Savings account could go either way, I'm fine with splitting it with her if she'll be agreeable and not turn this into a pain in the a##. He said I could owe her spousal support for 3 months from filing for the divorce (40% of all of my income), I'm going to do what I can to not have her get that. At this point if she doesn't lawyer up I'm not going to either its just not worth the money if she's not going to fight me on everything.

To everyone who said just get my stuff when she's gone. It's crossed my mind, but I love the house I'm in, plus my name is on the lease and I've paid the security deposit. The attorney told me she has every legal right to be there until the divorce is final, but if she wants to fight me she will not get the house in the end. What is the best way for me to civilly encourage her to get the hell out?

We're talking about a woman that wants you to cough up furniture that you bought before the marriage. She's not just going to vacate because you want her to.

We're talking about a rental property. Give her your furniture, get her to sign on the divorce, and walk away from the property (pay the early termination fee). How much do you LOVE this place you're leasing? Enough to pay for her to stay there for the next 'x' months so that you can eventually stay in it along when this settles?

[ks5610]

Fatheroffour great picture!

To everyone saying to just let her have it and walk away I know exactly what you mean and I know a living room suite and tv is not worth the attorney fees, but to me its just the principle of the thing. I put a ten thousand dollar ring on her finger I have supported her paid off her credit card debt and kept her from racking up major debt in physicians assistant school, by paying some of her tuition and for books and financially supporting her. She was the sweetest woman I have ever met we lived together, it was years of dating and then engagement before we got married it wasn't like I rushed into it. Literally on our honeymoon it was like a switch flipped. I have had to look back at pictures of her in a bikini on our honeymoon to remind myself I married an attractive girl. She eats more than me and of course we're talking high dollar food, I'm 6'3 215 and still go to the gym numerous times a week, she has not been to the gym once since we married she was only 115 when we got married, she just constantly criticizes what I do or complains and just has this entitled attitude that I don't know where it comes from, I honestly did not see a single warning sign to any of this up to the day we got married. She is the one asking for divorce, she handed me her rings when I told her I loved her and made a commitment and would try to work anything out.

The reason I say all of this is why do I have to be the one who suffers and gives up items that I bought with money I earned while living in hell. I was airborne infantry and on a scout team, I went months without a shower, didn't get a wiff of a female or booze in over a year and to top it off got blown the hell up and fought to stay in country and keep fighting with my fellow troops. I volunteered to do what I did and don't feel entitled to anything but there is no d#mn way I feel that she is entitled to any of what I earned. I understand that it would probably be cheaper for me to just give in, but the truth of the matter is I can pay attorney fees, she'd just have to go into more debt to do it. Is this ridiculous to be thinking this way, I know that a lot of times emotions outweigh rational thought, but I just don't get it, this divorce is honestly not my fault she can't expect me to watch her turn into this blood sucking creature and just take it all.

[Fatheroffour]

You should sue the baker of the wedding cake. He obviously put something in yours.

[justlarry]

I was airborne infantry

I am not military but I would guess that every mission you went on some "Brass" did a risk/benefit analysis and decided to send you on the mission or not. If yes, then you carried out that mission to the best of your ability.

Well, I think you have some DD "Brass" giving you their strategy for a short marriage with no kids. It is up to you to carry out the mission. She is NOT your sweetheart anymore she is the enemy. You have guys giving advise that have ben through a divorce war zone. What you have is not even a war. It is not even a zone. Time to move on or step on a land mine.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Fatheroffour great picture!

To everyone saying to just let her have it and walk away I know exactly what you mean and I know a living room suite and tv is not worth the attorney fees, but to me its just the principle of the thing. I put a ten thousand dollar ring on her finger I have supported her paid off her credit card debt and kept her from racking up major debt in physicians assistant school, by paying some of her tuition and for books and financially supporting her. She was the sweetest woman I have ever met we lived together, it was years of dating and then engagement before we got married it wasn't like I rushed into it. Literally on our honeymoon it was like a switch flipped. I have had to look back at pictures of her in a bikini on our honeymoon to remind myself I married an attractive girl. She eats more than me and of course we're talking high dollar food, I'm 6'3 215 and still go to the gym numerous times a week, she has not been to the gym once since we married she was only 115 when we got married, she just constantly criticizes what I do or complains and just has this entitled attitude that I don't know where it comes from, I honestly did not see a single warning sign to any of this up to the day we got married. She is the one asking for divorce, she handed me her rings when I told her I loved her and made a commitment and would try to work anything out.

The reason I say all of this is why do I have to be the one who suffers and gives up items that I bought with money I earned while living in hell. I was airborne infantry and on a scout team, I went months without a shower, didn't get a wiff of a female or booze in over a year and to top it off got blown the hell up and fought to stay in country and keep fighting with my fellow troops. I volunteered to do what I did and don't feel entitled to anything but there is no d#mn way I feel that she is entitled to any of what I earned. I understand that it would probably be cheaper for me to just give in, but the truth of the matter is I can pay attorney fees, she'd just have to go into more debt to do it. Is this ridiculous to be thinking this way, I know that a lot of times emotions outweigh rational thought, but I just don't get it, this divorce is honestly not my fault she can't expect me to watch her turn into this blood sucking creature and just take it all.

This is where you have to make a judgment call. I tend to be very principle oriented, myself. It's why I didn't bail six months earlier. However, divorce is one case where you can't look at it like that. You have two options: 1. Give in to her, decrease the time necessary to "punch out" of the relationship, and move on with your life, or 2. Stick to your principles, be stubborn, shell out more money than that furniture cost you for attorney fees, and cause yourself more aggravation than necessary.

So yeah....I completely understand where you're coming from. From the sounds of it, the ball is absolutely in your court to get this over with. Give it some thought before you "stick to your principles" and screw yourself. From what I've read here...most guys (myself included) would gladly cough up money, goods, etc. to get rid of their NJ is a more prompt manner.

One vet to another...cough up the furniture and get it over with. Go hire an attorney, have them draft up a property settlement agreement, and have her sign it. From the sounds of it...she's game to do it. Do that NOW before she processes that she might (depending on your state) be eligible to receive a percentage of your military benefits.

[justlarry]

From what I've read here...most guys (myself included) would gladly cough up money, goods, etc. to get rid of their NJ is a more prompt manner.

BGS - Me too, but not at OP's stage. I have said it here before. At that point of my life/divorce if I walked past a homeless guy I would have no problem handing him a $5 bill. However if I found my STBX cheating me out of $5 I wanted to fight her over it. I compare it to dropping $5 on the street or being mugged of $5 on the same street.

However that was 10 years ago and 3 years before finding DD. Wish I found DD for some 20/20 hindsight like OP.

[ks5610]

I hear what you are saying guys and I guess deep down I know it will be a lot quicker and less $$$ to just give in and let her take things I don't think are hers. My only question is you are saying let her walk with everything, after I have tried so hard to make it work and looked her in the eye and said I want to make it work and she handed me her rings. I am not saying its 100% her fault there is two sides to every story, but I know that if we had cameras on us 24/7 and someone saw what went on they would say she takes the brunt of the blame.
Do you not think it is not worth trying to get her to agree to a lawyer-less divorce threatening that I will get a lawyer and then she'll have to pay for her own? Even if she did take the living room furniture and tv that won't equal the cost of a lawyer. She brought our entire bedroom set and most of the appliances/dishes in the kitchen and the dining room table. Is that not collateral for me to fight back with? I understand the thought process of thousands of dollars in attorney fees is not worth the furniture, but is it really worth rolling over and playing dead without putting up somewhat of a fight, or is any sort of a fight just going to end up in attorney fees? I understand what everyone is saying, but I also hate to give everything up when I have tried so hard to save it all.

[Fatheroffour]

Since you've only been married 6 months and have no kids, fight her all you want and try to make her life as miserable as possible. In fact, if you want the stuff your best bet is to get a truck and take it all when she isn't there and make her fight you for it.

[petepeterson]

My attorney told me at the beginning of my proceedings that people will generally only fight over stuff if there is no kids involved. I suppose everyone has an internal "want" for combat, and to show that they are in "the right". I imagine a good custody battle takes a good bit of the fight out of both sides. Makes couches and such seem a little less important.

OP- pack a duffel bag and hit the road. Does the phrase "step over a dollar to pick up a dime" ring a bell?

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

I hear what you are saying guys and I guess deep down I know it will be a lot quicker and less $$$ to just give in and let her take things I don't think are hers. My only question is you are saying let her walk with everything, after I have tried so hard to make it work and looked her in the eye and said I want to make it work and she handed me her rings. I am not saying its 100% her fault there is two sides to every story, but I know that if we had cameras on us 24/7 and someone saw what went on they would say she takes the brunt of the blame.
Do you not think it is not worth trying to get her to agree to a lawyer-less divorce threatening that I will get a lawyer and then she'll have to pay for her own? Even if she did take the living room furniture and tv that won't equal the cost of a lawyer. She brought our entire bedroom set and most of the appliances/dishes in the kitchen and the dining room table. Is that not collateral for me to fight back with? I understand the thought process of thousands of dollars in attorney fees is not worth the furniture, but is it really worth rolling over and playing dead without putting up somewhat of a fight, or is any sort of a fight just going to end up in attorney fees? I understand what everyone is saying, but I also hate to give everything up when I have tried so hard to save it all.

This is one situation where fault is irrelevant (unless of course you plan on filing for a fault based divorce...which I had to do). At the end of the day, most people (even if one person was obviously at fault) choose to file the standard no fault/irreconcilable differences route. The fact that you tried to make it work and she had already quit isn't going to count for anything.

What I'm saying is that you want a lawyer. What I'm also saying is that if you can get her to agree to sign on an UNCONTESTED divorce...you'll be better off. In VA at least...processing an uncontested divorce (with a lawyer) will only set you back ~$1,500. A contested divorce (what you're talking if you start a < edited > fit over the furniture) will set you back $4,500+.

I spoke with five attorneys. All of them said the same thing. Do whatever it takes (give in, pay off, or however you want to look at it) to ensure that she goes for a property settlement agreement and signs off on an uncontested divorce. This from the people that make hundreds of dollars an hour to prolong these messes. I had two women in my office that didn't go that route. One has spent $16k in attorney fees, the other $40k+. Again...if it were me...I'd do whatever I could to ensure that the divorce was completed as soon as possible and cost me the least amount of money.

Another thing that you may not be thinking about yet (and I don't think that anyone else has mentioned so far). Even if you are the one that initiates a divorce...it's a miserable process. There will be an emotional toll for you to pay at some point. Even if it's just the realization that the woman you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with wound up being someone else...a divorce is not pleasant. Don't complicate things by haggling over property that you can easily replace.

I realize that's telling you to go this route is essentially telling you to be someone else (as you're a combat arms tough guy), but I honestly believe that's the advice you'll get from an attorney.

Since you've only been married 6 months and have no kids, fight her all you want and try to make her life as miserable as possible. In fact, if you want the stuff your best bet is to get a truck and take it all when she isn't there and make her fight you for it.

Yup. In this situation...if you want to end up with something when the dust settles...take it now. Get a U-Haul truck when you know that she's going to be away and have a couple buddies help you load everything you want quickly. Put it in a storage area. When she complains later, say "what furniture?"

How do I know this will work? That's exactly what my NJ said when the Sheriff's department showed up when I called them. She'd taken my phone when i was in the process of moving out. When questioned about it...she said "I don't know what he did with his phone?" They didn't press her because they aren't paid to give a ****. They're only paid to keep the peace.

If you don't...you're going to wind up like me. When I show up to take back the house after court, I don't know which of my possessions will still be there. It all comes down to just how nasty she wants to be (in hindsight...she's by far the nastiest person that I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with on a regular basis).

I fully expect that she will have given away the lawn mower, my sweet trimmer, what tools I couldn't take with me (i.e. my Mitre saw and bench), etc. I also expect that she will have thrown my uniforms in the trash.