How Do I Move On

[TJP123]

imagine if Evel Knievel had a little side-car on his motorcycle. you've been the one riding in that side-car all these years while your wife is jumping the motorcycle over 35 buses packed with dynamite, fireworks, and pools of hungry alligators. go get your own counseling if you can. she may be the one with the disorder, but you've been the one dealing with it and being accountable for it for years.

you won't be able to tell her "you need help" or "you have a problem" because the root of her problem is denying there's anything wrong with her. maybe if you stage an intervention with family & friends (like the TV show) she'll get help, but it won't be for the right reasons, so it probably won't last.

the further you get away from this, the better perspective you will have, to the point where you suddenly say "holy $hit, i can't believe i put up with her cr@p for all those years." you probably did things "in the best interest of the family" but unfortunately you were enabling her poor behavior, actions and choices. when my marriage started really swirling around the bowl, i was at a point where i would have been happy to keep things miserable, if it meant the marriage stayed together. now, stepping back from the situation, i wish this came to the surface years ago and i'd already be on with my life.

[jamessick]

When does your tour end?

[dacoming]

March 2013

[jamessick]

Talk with your CO. See if there's any way they can help you with reapplying for hardship reassignment. Tell them that the stress created by this position you're in will eventually have a negative impact on your performance and career. Talk to your JAG officer as well. They can be mostly useless, but sometimes you get just the right person to talk to.

[dacoming]

I addressed that in my previous request. They don't care man...I work in the JAG office; I'm a paralegal so I've done a lot of research. I just like to get different perspectives. We are getting along at the moment but I truly feel she has borderline personality disorder after looking into it. My psych seems to think the same thing although she can't diagnose her without seeing her. I don't think she will ever change and I don't know how much more I can take. All I can do is give it my best shot and move on if it doesn't work. We were already in a rocky relationship and then I had to come over here for 2 years. If she really has an illness, I don't want to leave like that but she is hard to deal with sometimes.

[MrCoolDC]

It seems like your best option is finish your overseas tour, come home, get residency in a safe (non-CO) state, and then file. Read the books on BPD and NPD. Sometimes throwing them a bone gets them to settle down for a little while.

[jamessick]

Walking on Eggshells
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

Both are good resources for BPD. I agree with the above too. If your wife is BPD or not, consider moving after you get home, if you can. Get out of Colorado and start dropping hints now about moving, sort of a carrot. As long as she's being sweet, tempt about other places to live. Establish residency and then do what's necessary.

[dacoming]

She doesn't want to stay in Colorado. If we stay together, it's a safe bet we will not be there unless the military sends me there. I only plan to do a year after I get back to the States and retire. We talked and she told me if we divorce, she wants to work out an agreement and she will always do right by me because I have done right by her and her kids. She just feels we may not be right for each other. There is a big part of me that feels that way too; however there's a part of me that can't let go. She treats me very good when she is stable in the mind but she flips at the drop of a dime with no warning. You just don't know from phone call to phone call what is going to happen. I mean before our last argument, we were getting along great and out of the blue...

[jamessick]

Yeah, my ex was that way. Every day was a freakin adventure with how she was going to deal. Don't miss it at all. So, finish your time and as soon as you find out where you're going to move, research the new state's statutes on establshing residence. DON'T let her look at Colorado divorce laws or you'll be strung up by your family jewels, possibly looking at part time fatherhood and permanent alimony.

[MrCoolDC]

These people like your wife do not get better with age, they get worse. If she's difficult at 40 she'll be impossible at 50 and a full-time, 100 percent NJ at 55.