Divorce Jurisdiction

[dacoming]

Since I am stationed in Germany and my wife and kids are in Colorado, if she files for divorce in Colorado or California when she moves there, I have to agree because neither state has jurisdiction over me. I hear that both states are bad for men in a divorce. I am a resident of North Carolina which I hear is good but she wouldn't have to agree. What should I do? I don't want to get screwed but I don't want things to get more bitter. I've spent this whole marriage trying to accommodate her feelings and look where it got me. I really hope she gets a rude awakening from some dude. She's very pretty and has always had guys cater to her but now she is 41 with extreme jealousy and control issues. She hasn't worked for most of the marriage and has a bad back.

[defaultuser]

If you can influence things, I would try and get it done in CA, over CO. CO is the worst state for mens divorce in the US I believe.

If she finds out that she can get lifetime alimony from CO, you're probably screwed. You could file in NC, but she could probably get the jurisdiction changed to her location unless you guys recently lived in NC.

[dacoming]

Thanks for the info! I hear that about Colorado too. We've never lived in NC together; I'm just from there. How many years of marriage is lifetime alimony? I heard it was 20.

[defaultuser]

In CO, I don't think it matters. You could be married a year and be looking at that. Also, if she's 'disabled' it will work against you.

If I were you, I'd do my best to stay married a while, 'work things out' and meanwhile strategize and learn how not to get screwed in the process by setting things up in your favor. As it is now, you're going to get the brown end of the stick, especially if you get deployed and all that. How long until retirement?

[dacoming]

I'm eligible now, been in for 21 years. I can't retire though until this tour in Germany is done. I want to take one more assignment after this, do a year to pay off some debt, and then retire. She's trying to pressure me now since she wants to go to California. I'm worried about the job situation out there.

[coscrewed]

Rules for military divorces are somewhat different in that the feds guarantee a certain percentage of your retirement to your ex. I'm sure you can find some fellow soldiers who can fill you in on that. You are going to get that handed to you no matter where the divorce is filed.

As for Colorado vs. California, you'll get better custody but possibly higher child support in CA, but at least you will get community property 50%-50% split of assets rather than the Colorado "equitable" screw job. Also, assuming you end up paying alimony, you will probably pay less in California, and California will certainly give your wife what is called a "Gavron Warning". This is a court order to become self-supporting with the aim of ending alimony. In Colorado all alimony is "no strings attached", meaning not only is she not ever required to find a job, but unless you get her to sign a non-modifiable decree, she can come back every SIX MONTHS and file for more alimony. Colorado is truly alimony hell. Lifetime alimony can be ordered for any length of marriage, but it is generally marriages over 10 years that are truly at risk, and marriages over 20 years are almost a slam dunk, even though your wife is in her early 40's. BTW, in Colorado, alimony goes by the politically correct title of "Spousal Maintenance" so the recipients don't have their feelings hurt.

Now, here is the bad part. I don't know who advised you that you have to agree on the jurisdiction. If you *ever* lived here, and she is currently a resident, I think she can file and you have no choice but to defend. At the very least it will cost you thousands in lawyer's fees and court costs to prove they don't have jurisdiction, and Colorado LOVES to assert jurisdiction. You need to consult a Colorado attorney on this ASAP, and if you know the divorce is going to happen, file somewhere else. You will be very unhappy if you are stuck fighting the divorce in this God-forsaken hellhole of a "Family Law" system called Colorado.

Another dispatch from Alimonyrado.

[dacoming]

Thanks for the info! I was told that I have to agree to jurisdiction by a Colorado attorney I used to work with. I also saw if online somewhere when I was researching it. I will have to find out for sure. She is saying that she wants us to sit down and hash out an agreement, whatever my concerns are she is amendable to accommodate me. She said she feels indebted to me for taking on her and her two daughters and taking care of them well all of these years and being a real father to them when their father wasn't involved. She cut him a deal on child support back in the day so she feels it would be effed up to screw me over after all I've done. We'll see. It would definitely be nice! She still wants us to be like a family in the event of divorce; my stepdaughters love me unconditionally (as I do them) as if they were my natural kids.

[blueTexas]

Have you adopted your stepdaughters?
If your current residence/home of record is Colorado, the divorce is filed in Colorado, and she moves to California, I think she'll be responsible for transportation costs to and from Colorado...but only if you're living there.
That you're working in Europe now complicates matters. The divorce agreement needs some careful wording to preserve your custody rights, but this sort of thing must happen quite frequently in the military. Can you consult a military attorney with some experience?

[dacoming]

I need too. Right now, I'm gonna try to get to California from here. The assignments come out for me in October. As long as I'm with my kids, especially my son. He needs me. I never adopted my stepdaughters but they are my kids in every way. I love them so much. They are older though, 24 and 21.

[blueTexas]

Be careful. Some men here have pre-emptively moved to another state after the stbx declared her intention to move, only to be back-stabbed.