How to handle alienation?

[justwanttoparent]

Please help with advice on alienation being done by NJ. Now, I give my D4 all the love I can to be an island of escape from NJ’s insanity. NJ is hostile and bitter in our co-parenting. I feel the alienation is escalating. D4 is reluctant to come to me at transfers. At transfer, NJ holds D4 and says such things as “mommy will miss you.” For my parent-time, D4 has been given worry dolls and NJ writes on D4’s hand (mommy misses you.) NJ takes D4 to a counselor but will not inform or involve me. I have started to see my own counselor to analyze and advise.
Background – Utah. Joint legal custody, principal place of residence with NJ, 25%-75% split of parent-time because NJ disregards "unspecific" parts of court order. NJ took me back to court, which ordered a parent-coordinator. PC has done nothing but collect his fee, teach patty-cake and compel me to concede.
Any & all advice is greatly appreciated.

[jumbledone]

Follow the decree to a letter as you understand it, document time that she interferes with your time. All that other stuff, sure, document it, not sure how it will play out though. After a couple of times of her messing with your time with your D, file contempt. Let her file for clarification, you're going for the jugular.

[SmokinMeanRibz]

If you have joint legal custody, you have a right to all medical records if I am not mistaken. I had to stop my NJ in her tracks when she brought my daughter to a counselor without my permission.

Odds are, she is feeding the counselor all sorts of negativity and muddying the waters as it pertains to you.

If I were you, I would either A. become involved with the counseling and get to know the counselor. or B. stop all further sessions.

I stopped all further sessions with the couselor my NJ hired. As it turned out, after the counselor spoke with me she found out she was being manipulated by NJ. I now have the counselor on my side and ready to testify that she saw signs of parental alienation.

The counselor NJ hired is now my personal counselor. She is biased against NJ and she no longer sees D3.

But with joint legal, if I'm not mistaken, you can pull the plug on counseling if you don't approve.

[defaultuser]

I would get involved with that therapist right away, and if she puts up roadblocks or refuses to share information with her, tell her she isn't allowed to see your kid anymore. Your X is violating the terms of your joint legal by having your kid see the therapist without telling you.

As for the rest of the stuff she's doing, I would eliminate all references, dolls, etc. that have anything to do with mom when she's with you. I'd limit phone contact to a couple minutes a day right before bed. I'd wash that BS off her hand when you get home.

Then when your kid starts saying stuff like she misses mommy, just tell her that mommy will be fine. Then distract her with something fun. Something mommy can't or won't do with her like pushing her on a park swing or other fun kid stuff.

[justwanttoparent]

Jumble - thanks! I am documenting everything. My lawyer says we should have enough. I am waiting for a slam-dunk, which NJ should give me anytime now.

Smokin - thank you too. Seems counselor cannot disclose records if I am a "concern." Which really increases my concern about muddying. Like you said, the fact that counselor has not asked for my input raises bias questions.
Questions - should I go to the office of NJ's counselor with court order & letter to either include me or cease seeing D4? Certified-mail the letter & CO? What should I do with the counselor that I am seeing? My counselor asked to talk with NJ. Maybe giving NJ credit, could NJ mainpulate "my" counselor? So far, NJ has hookwinked judges and parent-coordinator.

[justwanttoparent]

Default - thanks for the help! Yeah, I washed the message off. Yeah, phone calls are NJ repeatedly asking "why are you sad?" until D4 cries. So like you said, I refocus D4's attention on fun stuff.

[jumbledone]

I actually think you got a good shrink if they are asking to talk with NJ. Shrinks only know what we tell them, and by talking with the focus of a client's issues, may further clarify/identify exactly what is going on. Good luck with NJ actually going, though.

[newwife]

When it comes to the counselor-they have specifically told you they will not let you see the records?
I would have my lawyer write a letter to the counselor giving them a copy of the decree and either a full disclosure or a stop in treatment is immediately called for. That's if you don't mind paying the lawer.
If you don't want to dole out the cash-you can write that letter yourself. But the lawyer letter might have more of an effect.

[justwanttoparent]

When it comes to the counselor-they have specifically told you they will not let you see the records?

No, the office manager did not specifically say. Office manager gave me the 'cannot confirm or deny' that D4 is being seen. NJ told me the name of counselor - in a sort of; in-your-face, take-that, or what'cha gonna do?.

Thanks for the advice. As in a previous post, maybe a legitimate shrink would want to clear the mud of one-sided and embellished counseling.

[SmokinMeanRibz]

If I were you, I would stop the counseling all together. Then, if you D4 really needs counseling, start from scratch by jointly selecting a counselor with NJ (if thats possible) and being just as involved with the process as she is.

By the way, I cancelled my daughter's counseling by telling her counselor that my lawyer would be contacting her to find out why she had not attemtped to contact me and include me.

D3 has not been to counseling since then. She is a perfectly normal developing little girl.