Think I'm giving too much to start off

[RacerX35]

Hi all, this is my first thread post here. So we are in the begining stages of divorce, I pay the bills (for one house) and mortgage for two houses. I am currently moving out of the house (which is "hers" now) and into an apartment until the person renting out our other house moves. So my stbx (Funny, I always think of Starbucks when I see that, lol) wants the independance (she hasn't been working since the store she worked at closed down) of paying the mortgage of the main house and the bills associated with it and hers and the kids living expenses. Now I usually pay her credit card bill which can be about $3-4K a month. I have always paid her bill off instead of mine because she freaks out so much if one of her payments is missed. Basically for their (her) monthly finances now, her bank account gets a monthly deposit just breaking into the (I know,, ) 5 figures. Fortunately I have enough left to pay for the other mortgage and the apartment (it's really a wash, the rent my renter pays me pays for the apartment) gas for work and other living expenses of mine. So really I think that maybe when all this goes through I may have created a precident for myself as far as alimony goes. I'm not concerned about CS. Oh yes!, her counselor suggested writing up an agreement and then have it notarized. I told we have to sign this in front of the notary for it to be effective although she wants it signed at (her) house. I guess she is just used to getting what she wants. That would be another one of my faults.

Thanks for any input, even if it's a slap in the face,

Ray

[Fatheroffour]

Looks to me like you're too used to giving her what she wants, when she wants it and the way she wishes it served.

Whats the custody situation like?

[jumbledone]

Why are you moving? Why isn't she moving?

[RacerX35]

Custody for me is going to be 2 nights a week for dinner and all that with alternate weekends. I am away from the house about 10 hours a day, I usually don't get home until about 6:00-30 and so wouldn't be able to spend a lot of extra time with the kids before they usually to go to bed. As far as the house goes. With wanting to keep things as familiar for the kids home wise, I feel it's better for them to stay there and come see dad's new apartment and go shopping for new furniture for the apartment and our rooms. I just bought them a bunk bed yesterday for their room (it's a 2 bedroom apartment) and they had a blast at the furniture store, then we went to Jamba Juice and a movie for Father's Day.
As far as giving her what she wants and all, I do have to agree with that and accept fault in the matter. It also didn't help when my epilepsy kicked in 5 years ago and had to give up a lot of decision making at the time to her. After my surgery, it took awhile to build that old self confidance and all back up. By this point I believe that she had gotten used to the position she had taken up and started getting angry when I would express my opinion and disagree with her. IDK, but I had wanted to start this off as a seperation to clear ourselves and restart on rebuilding. Her point is that if we are apart, then we are divorced. I've told her fine, but is her decision, not mine and that she'll have to live with that decision.

[HammerDad]

You're setting a great position for status quo......for her to receive large sums of money for spousal support etc.

Why did you leave the home and how long have you been gone? If it is less than 5-6 months, I'd suggest moving back in the house (that is unless there is a court order for exclusive possession for her or a restraining order preventing you from moving back home).

She needs to put on her big girl panties. You need to advise her that you will no longer be covering her expenses and she has 60 days to find alternative funds. You will continue to pay child support in the prescribed amount (check to see if your state has a guideline or support calculator and pay that much). If you are paying things like her car insurance, have them stopped, she can payfor stuff like that her own.

But you are setting yourself up to continue to pay substantial sums going forward. Given the amounts you are paying you likely make a fair amount so you will end up paying a good chunk anyway, but there is no need to pay for more than you have too.

[jumbledone]

I'd suggest removing the sword from under your chest, or at the least to stop leaning on it.

[Fatheroffour]

This site is full of dads that maintain 50/50 or better custody and also are employed, meaning being away from the house 8 to 10 hours a day.

Don't sell yourself, or your children, short.

If your not that involved and don't want to be then that's one thing but don't try and convince us that dad plays a better role at ATM than an actual father.

[chereeda]

So my stbx wants the independance of paying the mortgage of the main house and the bills associated with it and hers and the kids living expenses. Now I usually pay her credit card bill which can be about $3-4K a month. I have always paid her bill off instead of mine because she freaks out so much if one of her payments is missed. Basically for their (her) monthly finances now, her bank account gets a monthly deposit just breaking into the (I know,, ) 5 figures.

How does her wanting independence square at all, even a little, with you depositing such vast sums of money into an account for her? That's not independence, that's dependence...

donna

[RacerX35]

Thank you all for the advice so quickly. This does help a lot. That was one of the things I was arguing with her about with this whole "independance thing. I told her that I should continue to keep paying the bills since the money is coming from the same place regardless. I don't believe that I play a better role by just providing the funds to live by. It's just that over the years I have grown a bit indifferent towards her. I do definitely see your points as far as the support and where I should draw the line. She is the type of person that sees thing in only black or white, no gray area. Even my counselor said that she suffered from SBS (Spoiled Brat Sindrome). She will not let up on any point until you give up or she can somehow prove that she is right. It's such a tough experience sometimes. Like I said, I believe a lot of this stems from my refusing to back down from her and that I stand up for myself and disagree when I do. She is very used to getting what she wants, even with interaction with her family. I am really taking your advice to apply to our future interactions. I gotta break that SBS.


Thanks again,

Ray

[Chosen2Dad]

The epilepsy? Are you seizure free? For how long? Do you have records to back it up?

10 hours a day can be done...daycares are open from 7-7 give or take? Your job should be supportive of some flexibility.

Just because you give in doesn't mean anything either. It's in the best interest of the kids.

You should be concerned about alimony and/or CS. That money can go towards you and the boys!