Am I out of touch with reality?

[Fatheroffour]

The crisis team even had a view of this behavior too. The problem with these so called professionals IMO, none of them are willing to put their money where their mouth is and testify on one's behalf...against company policy as one told us.

It is an understandable policy, IMO.

That is, if you actually want people to utilize the services of a crisis team. I assume their job is to help people in crisis and they wouldn't get too excited about testifying against people that call them for their help.

The last counselor, the one that IMO fired us, thought S8 had ODD.

The symptoms are easily googleable.

What do you think?

[Bubba Seal]

K, Im with FOF, there seems to be huge detachment between you and your child, have you not tryed to get your child diagnosed yourself? I dont get that, if I had a question on my kids health then you can bet your azz I would be dealing with that on my own, and worry about the ex later.

To me, you just seem to want to bury your ex, more than you seem to really care about your childs wellbeing. In the end you might be better trying to get along with the ex a little more to take care of your child, but you seem to intent on proving whats wrong with her, that maybe you havent looked at yourself in the mirror hard enought, you are a lot of the problem, whether you can admit that or not, hell you may be the whole problem, I cant really say, but there comes a time when you have to let things go, and settle down, this turmoil cant be good for your child, and they grow up way too fast, 8 is a very impressionable age, in fact I always thought that once they hit 10 or so, my influence on mine was pretty much gone, so in the interest of your child I would advise you to get thru all of this.

Take your child to someone and check him for ODD, whats so hard about that? Dont you want to know for sure?

[kmich91262]

Bubba, already having him tested.

[Bubba Seal]

K, Im glad you are getting him checked yourself.

One thing I did frequently in my divorce was try to take a 3rd person point of view of what was going on, from my side and hers, it helped me just let a lot of things go, that came from all the emotions involved, When you are in the middle of it day to day, sometimes its easy to lose perspective on what the end goal is. I had a close friend who had just gone thru a divorce similiar to mine, and he gave me a lot of good advice, and he was a true friend, who didnt mind telling me something I didnt want to hear, dont know if you have anyone like that around you, that is more aware of your situation, but if you do they might be a good person to lean on for advice.

Hang in there and good luck

[minuette]

Question: Have you ever requested/received a custody evaluation that includes a psych assessment for each of you? I say this because you've had a GAL recommend that you get every other weekend, but managed to keep week-on/week-off by mutual agreement with your ex. That experience may have skewed your perception of the evaluative process, but it should be a very different - and enlightening - experience.

A full-service evaluation is expensive, but it should also be very thorough, with the evaluator not only talking to/observing your interaction with your son and your ex, but also making home visits and speaking with doctors, teachers, neighbors and care providers. Drug screens and psychological assessments are also part of a good evaluation package.

If your most recent efforts don't turn out well...you might want to consider going this route and then taking the evaluation to heart. A good, full-service evaluation will probably tell you a number of things you'd prefer not to own up to (say, a persecution complex, or the extent to which you feed into and fuel your ex's behavior), but it will probably give you the clearest picture of what really needs to be addressed in order for you child to grow up in an environment that is as positive, supportive and healthy as possible.

[kmich91262]

Just to make it clear, as it appears some are thinking I'm going thru the divorce, this is almost 4 years after the divorce papers have been signed.

I've thought about seeing if a full psych eval can be done on the NJ. I know that whats good for the goose is good for the gander, so am not afraid of taking a full eval either.

Part of the problem that others have pointed out outside this forum, NJ is a manipulator (I should know as I was married to the NJ for almost 8 years). Extreme example but she could be caught with a bag of nose candy in one hand, witnessed that she was snorting the nose candy, yet try to convince the witness/es that she was only testing it out (or insert other excuse) and some people would believe her. She has no reality IMO.

I'll give a true life example of her manipulation that happened earlier this year. At the last counselor's appointment of the one that fired us IMO, NJ brought all of her personnal baggage to include how everything is my fault (to probably include the gas she got from the food early in the day) and that she only has a 3rd grade education. I could see the counselor's body language change from positive to one of why am I trying to help these people out. And this is the same counselor up to the appointment before it was all gung ho about me having S8 during the school week.

Another example is the first counselor we had, the one that said NJ was wasting the counselor's time. The counselor would get us to agree to things in the previous session, but would NJ do it? Nope. NJ would conveniently forget, not do it, or out right admit she changed her mind and wouldn't do it. On the last appointment with this counselor, I could see that she was frustrated with NJ and at that point said we were wasting her time. This counselor was for the most part on my side too.

[defaultuser]

What are your goals?

Are you trying to get custody? If so, how much?

[kmich91262]

What are your goals?

Are you trying to get custody? If so, how much?

My first (and has always been) and most important goal is getting S8 back on track for school. Although the school hasn't and won't make a decision until a psych eval is done on S8, he missed 40 days total and wasn't able to do the homework the last 14 days of school since they wouldn't allow him in....so looks like IMO he has failed. The school kind of irks me because the school board won't make a decision until the eval is done. WTF?!?!? Lets just admit the kid has failed and would be in his best interest after missing all of that time to hold him back....just saying.

The second goal, which I would have to say is tied with the first one for importance, is making sure S8 gets/has the needed help from mental health professionals.

As far as custody is concerned, NJ has demostrated the past three school years she can't get S8 to school on her weeks on a regular basis nor has control of her residence (i.e. S8 runs the household). The school has stated to my attorney that it is evident that while with me homework gets done, S8 is there on a consistent basis, and I have a stabile home life. With that being said during the school year, for the best interest of S8, it would be best if he stays with me during the school week and she gets every other week or I would toss a bone in and do 3-4 weekends a month (4th weekend when there are 5 weekends in a month). During the summer would be willing to go with every other week which is what we have thru the calendar year anyways. Everything else I would suggest keeping the same as the current parenting plan such as holidays, breaks, and summer vacation time.

[defaultuser]

My first (and has always been) and most important goal is getting S8 back on track for school. Although the school hasn't and won't make a decision until a psych eval is done on S8, he missed 40 days total and wasn't able to do the homework the last 14 days of school since they wouldn't allow him in....so looks like IMO he has failed. The school kind of irks me because the school board won't make a decision until the eval is done. WTF?!?!? Lets just admit the kid has failed and would be in his best interest after missing all of that time to hold him back....just saying.

The second goal, which I would have to say is tied with the first one for importance, is making sure S8 gets/has the needed help from mental health professionals.

As far as custody is concerned, NJ has demostrated the past three school years she can't get S8 to school on her weeks on a regular basis nor has control of her residence (i.e. S8 runs the household). The school has stated to my attorney that it is evident that while with me homework gets done, S8 is there on a consistent basis, and I have a stabile home life. With that being said during the school year, for the best interest of S8, it would be best if he stays with me during the school week and she gets every other week or I would toss a bone in and do 3-4 weekends a month (4th weekend when there are 5 weekends in a month). During the summer would be willing to go with every other week which is what we have thru the calendar year anyways. Everything else I would suggest keeping the same as the current parenting plan such as holidays, breaks, and summer vacation time.

I think this is your problem. Your goal is to
A) have your kid do well in school
B) get mentally healthy

What is the root cause of these problems? You state it very clearly in your third paragraph. NJ. My guess is that your kid wouldn't need a mental health professional if your X wasn't in the picture.

You're trying to treat the symptoms, not the cause. The cause of the problem is that your former wife is incapable of doing a half way decent job of parenting. The solution and your goal should be to get custody, but you're approaching the problem from a standpoint of trying to fix the symptoms.

Have you filed a petition for modification asking for primary custody? The significant change in circumstances is all of the above. Don't go into the hows or whys. Focus on what is. This is pretty simple in your case and relatively easy to present clear evidence on. Your former wife can't function as a parent. You can. Best interest shouldn't be too hard here.

Edit: I'm not advocating taking your X out of the picture. I'm saying your goal should be to take over the primary duties of being a parent so that her relationship with your kid can improve. Regular and continuing contact? Yes. Best taken on weekends, and summer. Like every other weekend.

[Bubba Seal]

Km, I think it was Ron White who said "You cant fix stupid"