What Do You Think About this Crazy Situation?

[HardRock]

Divorced many years ago, one adult son in mid-20's who doesn't appear to want to grow up. Simply put, this is made possible by his enabling mother. You may have seen episodes on Dr.Phil show about young adults who don't want to take responsibility, no hurry to get a job and make their own lives. Names such as slackers, boomerang kids, moocher, you get the idea. Usually they are coming back to live at home with one or both parents and contribute nothing, just stay on their computers all day and get fat and lazy.

In my case, this enabling goes an extra step. Momma doesn't want to have the son live with her (hmm, if that happened, she might actually SEE on a daily basis how poorly he's doing) so for the last several years she's supported him by writing a BIG check each month. More than enough to cover all expenses and then some. No need to make any effort in getting a job or doing anything considered productive.

Everyone who understands the facts of this situation immediately realizes her enabling is helping to cripple this young man. Everyone, that is, except her. Denial is a very strong force. My son really wants no relationship with me because I expect him to grow up and be a responsible, productive part of society. How horrible of me!

What can be done in a situation like this? Is there possibly a legal cause of action?

[lohe]

He's an adult now.

He is beyond the control of the family court system.

There's really very little, if anything, that you can do here.

Change the things you can, accept the things you cannot.

Tough, I know, but any efforts you make to change this is probably just going to drive him further away.

[Trevor]

How much time do you spend with him now?

Spend as much time as you can with him to demonstrate the value of doing things for one's self.

Take him with you on a volunteer day to help kids or the homeless of rehabilitating injured wildlife or cleaning up a beach or running for a charity event. Show him that his time is valuable and that he can feel better about the way he chooses to spend time.

Otherwise, there is nothing you can do to change your X's behavior. No point shutting off the cash flow, though. It's simply a matter of you persuading your kid to better himself through college, volunteer work, or finding some passion for him to pursue that can earn him salary or help others. You can inspire, but it's his job to motivate himself.

There is no legal action you can take to prevent one adult from writing a check to another adult, or for that adult to accept the money and do with it whatever he likes.

[Fatheroffour]

My son really wants no relationship with me because I expect him to grow up and be a responsible, productive part of society

We see this regularly. Kiddo doesn't want to be around dad because "I have rules".

A lawyer can't do your job for you. You have to be there. It appears that your desire to enforce your values on your son is greater than simply wanting to share time with your son.

The results are predictable.

[HardRock]

My son really wants no relationship with me because I expect him to grow up and be a responsible, productive part of society

We see this regularly. Kiddo doesn't want to be around dad because "I have rules".

A lawyer can't do your job for you. You have to be there. It appears that your desire to enforce your values on your son is greater than simply wanting to share time with your son.

The results are predictable.

With all due respect, these may be "my values", but they are so because at some point in my evolution I recongized these were the rules of life and society, much like most readers here.

BTW the son lives very far away. He had a very good upbringing with no silver spoon and a number of years ago decided to take the fork in the road that said "unproductive" - momma has simply made his life effortless.

If there was legal action which could be taken to have her quit enabling him, he would be forced to face reality and grow up. Since enabling isn't illegal, it is a sickness, one which Dr. Phil calls spoiling children the most insidious form of child abuse. Even for adult children.

I hope this doesn't happen to anyone you know. Thanks for your comments.

[Fatheroffour]

Dr.Phil is a tool. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Objectively speaking, your son has different values from you. Your inability to simply accept that has , in your own words, causes him to want NO relationship with you.

Sad.

[Trevor]

When the gravy train rolls off the tracks (it will some day), are you willing to be there for him when he hits the cold, hard ground?

Any chance for you to live near the kid to give him an alternative choice again to his present course in life?

[Bubba Seal]

To the OP, you missed your chance to intervene in this situation, years ago it sounds like to me, hes an adult and he has to make his own choices. And to me whatever your ex does for him is her business and not yours. Maybe if you had lived closer you could have been more involved, I dont know your situation.

I dont think there is anything for you to do, but maybe get on the Dr Phil show perhaps?

Good Luck

[stretchkr]

To me it sounds like you want the legal system to step in and "fix" your son instead of doing it yourself. Granted my kids are young, but being a role model will go much further than the legal system will imo.

[tsawyer]

There is nothing you can do legally. I would suggest trying to have a conversation with your ex if possible. If you two are on good speaking grounds, you may be able to jointly come up with a plan for his best interest.

If she is a whacked out NJ, there is nothing you can do. He is a grown man now, and needs to make his own choices.