Was this a dbag move?

[jumbledone]

I have plans this weekend with the kiddos, and was discussing them with STBX (her iniatating the discussion). D10 was in the room as we were discussing, and STBX seemed interested in our adventure.

I figured what the answer would be, but I asked anyway: Would you like to come with us?

The answer was instantaneous, 'No'. My offer was sincere, in that if she wanted to come, I would have welcomed her and made sure she had a good time with the kids, and was truly hoping she'd say yes for the kids. But my daughter was really upset by STBX's answer, and talked with her mom shortly afterwards about why she doesn't do things with her, S6 and me anymore.

Things have been this way over 6 months now, so D10 knows has a good inkling of what's going on. It was STBX's move to divorce, as I had already resigned to the fact that a less than stellar marriage was better than not seeing my kids at least half the time. But was it a stinky move, or not? I hoped for the best, but also pretty much knew what the outcome would be.

[Trevor]

Yes. There's an old adage in the legal world: Never ask a question in court when you aren't certain of the answer you'll get. You did this in front of the kids and caused (at least one of) them distress.

Learn that lesson.

[jumbledone]

That's what I was ruminating about this morning. I didn't mean for that to happen at all, and had truly hoped she would say yes. But she probably has other plans already

[Fatheroffour]

There was nothing wrong with your polite invitation. You mean no ill will and had no ulterior motive other than your kids happiness.

Any blame for the kids distress is 100% completely and squarely on the shoulders of mom.

[forkidsandsanity07]

She could have said "Let me check if I can. I will get back to you." Then later she could say, "No. I don't want to be anywhere with you, even if the kids are there."

Poorly timed? Maybe. But as Fo4 said, no ill will and no malicious intent.

Dbag move? Hell no. Dbag answer? Yes, in my opinion.


It wasn't your question that hurt the kids. It was her answer that hurt the kids.

[Trevor]

I figured what the answer would be, but I asked anyway: Would you like to come with us?

Okay maybe "dbag move" is a bit strong, but the fact that he knew the kid was within earshot AND knew the answer to the question BUT asked it anyway, means he is on the hook for the fallout. Not solely on the hook, but hooked nonetheless.

[Fatheroffour]

"He knew the answer"

Objection. Assumes facts not in evidence.

[Trevor]

"I figured what the answer would be."
The poster knows the STBX better than any of us, and I am unwilling to impeach his opinion of the probability of her answer. His testimony, not my assumption. And his testimony proved his informed calculation.

Overruled.

[jumbledone]

See, I have had all of your thoughts running through my head today, even before putting this out there. That's why I was conflicted.

I'll try to be more careful in the future, but it was sincere, and I was hoping she'd say yes. The kids deserve bits of normalcy here and there. Not that I think it will ever come up again, but if it does, I'll try to be more 'discreet'...

Glad I could strike a conversation here.

[Fatheroffour]

"Wish to classify the OP as a hostile witness"


"Isn't it true that you really have very little idea of what goes through the rat brain of your STBX?"

"Isn't it true that in the past she has shown no adherence to any logical thought processes that allow you to predict, with dependability, what she will say or do?"