Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Parental Alienation Syndrome, Malicious Mother Syndrome, dealing with the ex, and various other non-legal concerns throughout the process.

Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby Tyrell » Thu May 17, 2012 9:41 am

One strategy that may work would be to negotiate for 50/50, your move would seem to be enough change in circumstance to justify this, but as others have said, unless there is abuse I don't see the Judge giving you primary or any more than 50%.

Another thing to think about is if you force this and <urine> your X off, then your X could ask for modification of CS, if your income has increase since the initial order (which is likely in 3 years) then you may end up paying your X more.

So worst case you get no change in time, your amicable relationship with your X is over, and pay more in CS

I'd tread lightly, which I think is what Trevor is suggesting
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby dadmisseskids » Thu May 17, 2012 12:25 pm

OP: I didn't read this entire thread but in reference to your title, there is actually case law on it. I did a post on it a while ago. It's a good read for any divorced (or still married) parent.

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=36157&p=232929#p232929
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby defaultuser » Thu May 17, 2012 12:34 pm

I'm not white knighting here, but I do offer a different take on the subject.

1) He's not asking if he can get things changed. The decree already states that there will be a modification when kiddo starts school. It should make things easier as far as getting heard in court.

2) He isn't trying to get his wife to be mom. He's stated (rather clearly I think) that, A) He has a flexible schedule. Mom does not. B) His wife would be preferred care provider over day care (not bio mom). and C) He can provide a more stable home environment, somehow. D) He's got a lot of time now, like 40% or something.

I think if he goes into the modification being able to present really good evidence, he has a shot. Not a silver bullet, but a shot. This would not be a big change in the kids life, it would be staying a bit more with Dad, than he was with Mom, and having Step mom care for him instead of after school care.

I do agree that without knowing details of how he can provide a more stable home, or how his schedule is flexible, while his X's isn't are important, but I'm taking what the guy says on face value. If he can present evidence on those things, I think there is a shot.
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby coparentchamp » Thu May 17, 2012 1:25 pm

Im not saying they are in harm- but if she is only providing 'okay' care and I can provide 'better than okay' I willing to go to court for it. I'm also worried that this will cause huge setbacks in the co-parenting relationship because she will not accept that I want to become primary.
****************

Well, I can guarentee a massive setback...and probably little to no chance of recovery of that relationship. A good co-parenting relationship seems to be rare - and should be treated like gold if you are lucky enough to have cultivated one.
I am well aware of the fact that I, myself, moved around a bit after my divorce - I didn't keep the house, my ex did, and he hasn't had to move once...and I hated each time I had to pick up and move either due to space or funds. I had a couple failed relationships, my income is 1/5th my ex's, I'm not a VP like him, I can't work from home when needed like him, I don't have a wife who can do the same like he does...but he always refrained from announcing to me that he feels he is the better more stable parent and therefore should have primary custody, not shared. I am aware of my shortcomings - as I am aware of his....and if he EVER decided to get a burr up his self-rightous butt and fight to strip me of my custody - he would have the fight of his life and it would completely decimate years of a carefully built coparent relationship.
Think long and hard before you basically tell your ex that she is not a good enough mother for your children, and put another woman in her place in thier lives. You could be the one that ends up losing in the long run...:-(. Tread carefully...
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby RC411V » Thu May 17, 2012 1:59 pm

Wow. You admit he's more stable than you, but if he ever said it out loud (which to you would be 'self-righteous' and have a burr up his butt... ?!) you would do everything you could to eff < feces > up.


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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby dadmisseskids » Thu May 17, 2012 2:23 pm

Nut Job
"Success depends on your backbone, not your wishbone"

Mommy has Borderline Personality Disorder? She's very difficult to deal with? Buy this:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0056JX46W
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby Fatheroffour » Thu May 17, 2012 2:31 pm

A good coparent relationship is priceless. Ask any of the guys around here.

It took me and my ex quite a while to get there after our bitter divorce. Now that we're there, I'd hate to think she would flush it on a case she has "a shot" at winning because the relationship would likely never recover.

You better not go in all wishy washy. Go all in to win at all cost, slit her throat and take all she's got because if you lose you'll pay for it for a long long time.
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby coparentchamp » Thu May 17, 2012 3:49 pm

Wow. You admit he's more stable than you, but if he ever said it out loud (which to you would be 'self-righteous' and have a burr up his butt... ?!) you would do everything you could to eff < edited > up.

*******
No - He likes to THINK of himself as more stable than I. I walked away with literally nothing...I was back in college after taking 5+ years off to raise kids...so I started off in a low end full time proffesional job, a 2nd part time job to gain experience in the field I was currently in college for and attended school part time. I declined alimony and took low child support and worked my butt off to slowly increase my net worth and move my living conditions from a 2 small bedroom apartment to now a large beautiful house. I did all of this under his scrutiny and his barely conceled contempt. (And his natural demeanor is self rightous...most people who know him will refer to him in such terms.)

I am proud of what I have accomplished over the past decade...but he still has a tendancy to look down on everything I have. The fact that I work 40 hours a week and can't work from home like he can, in his eyes makes me less reliable than him. The fact that I don't have a spouse like he does, in his eyes, makes me less stable than he is. The fact that I didn't walk away from the divorce and immediately set up the perfect house, car, life, in his eyes, makes me less than he. The fact that I DID make it and achieve what I planned to, (without his financial assistance), is the burr up his butt.

So, yes - if he decided to go to a lawyer and have me served accusing me of not being as "perfect" as he feels he is, and say my income is not good enough for his standards...and that his current wife would be better suited to care for my children. Then yes...you bet I would go ballistic and fight him with every fiber in my being. If that is what makes a NJ in your eyes....look around your forum and think about what YOUR members go through and fight against....
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Re: Dad getting custody when mom is a good mom

Postby jumbledone » Fri May 18, 2012 12:35 pm

Not that OP's around anymore, but let me put this back into focus since I feel I derailed it a bit.

I did not accuse OP of ever saying that Ex was not good enough, just that with him trying to push through a change when kid is doing ok, just to push through change, would possibly be seen by his ex as implying she is not a good enough mother.

All hypothetical, but as CPC noted above, what would we say if the tables were turned?

OP, you are within your rights to pursue a change in custody, but be prepared when your well-intentioned move backfires and you have a woman feeling scorned coming at you full horns out, steam coming out of the ears. Tread carefully.
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