Cheating during seperartion

[SIP2012]

The sbux and I separated in January. In march she said she was going to file for divorce. A month later she still hadn't. Before she filed I found out from my kids she was having a guy stay over nearly every night the last week she watched them. During this time I had paid all our bills as she was only working part time. She just found a full time job about the same time I found out this dude was staying over everyday. We were trying to be amicable and do without lawyers for kids sake. She had agreed to my proposed settlement in principle. But now I'm pissed it's bad enough she is having a relationship so soon after separating (swears it started after we separated) but to have some guy she has known for two months or less spend the night nearly every night with two young daughters 6 & 3 can not be good for them. Even if he's not a horrible guy there is no way this relationship is going to last. What's worst said he only stayed one night on coach and just found out that the following week that the four of them went to the coast for the weekend. Now I can't trust her, she a liar and having some guy regularly spend the night with my kids. We have had 50/50 custody since we separated even though I was working 60 hours a week for two months of it and she was working maybe 30 hours a week. I just can't see how she is paying any attention to our daughters if this new dude is there 24/7. I am now inclined to not give her a penny from here on out, hire a lawyer and go to war. This can't look good can it from a custody perspective? You Just get a new demanding job that means you see your kids less and what do you do with your free time with your kids you spend it with this new dude instead? I take my vacations to spend with daughters and do most of my work the nights I don't have them. I had offered a 2 year transition alimony but now I don't think she deserves a thing especially if their pseudo living together. I want to hire lawyers, seek sole custody, split our debt and not give her a penny in alimony. Is this going to back fire on me? I just don't think I can even speak with her anymore. Thoughts?

[MarylandDad]

I think every state is different you should probably consult with an attorney. In my state it’s still adultery if you cheat while separated and it can be used against you. I have also been told that the courts really do not like it when it’s done in the family home in front of the children. You should probably get actual proof of it, hire a PI or have another adult witness the man staying the night over the house.

[capslock]

Read the articles on the home page of this site. One refers to ex not parenting during their time.

What parenting split did ya'll have before the separation? Were you 50/50 or more, involved in Dr. appointments, school, etc? Does her work schedule allow her more time on paper to parent that yours?
With her being female and living in the marital home that gives her an advantage in the divorce if it went to trial. Many or most men would be very happy to settle outside of the courtroom and to settle for 50/50 out of the gate. Not enough information in your post to base a final decision on. You can put a morality clause in the temp orders but I have not seen it much in final orders. Once the divorce is final there isn't much you can do about her morals.

Her sleeping with a guy will not lead to you winning sole, especially if the 6 yr old is in school by her house. Read up on the Mr. Wonderful effect. Consult an attorney on the sly and by all means hide your emotions.
Might want to take the 50/50, and then volunteer to take kids during her time after the divorce while she plays around, ultimately seeking to modify. Court is very unpredictable. Any chance of you getting school control at your house in a 50/50 agreement?
See her lack of focus as a positive at this point as hard as it is to do, and try to capitalize on it. A lot more goes into the custody decision than her having a boyfriend. In my state morals play a role in custody determination, but mostly would come in to play in alimony.

[Fatheroffour]

The fact is you are getting a divorce and were getting one anyway. She 'moved on' sooner that you are comfortable with but that in itself isn't going to have an effect on custody.

Focusing on her relationship with the guy isn't a strategy that will get you sole custody.

[lohe]

The ONE thing that her having someone living there is going to change is alimony (in some states).

But here's the thing. It's going to cost you more to prove she's cheating and to hire a lawyer and to fight all of this, than some sort of short term alimony is going to cost you.

It's also going to cost you a TON of time and emotional pain and suffering if you take this to court.

Is what she's doing wrong? Of course it is.

She's damaging your children if nothing else.

But there are VERY few judges who are going to act on that.

In my opinion you need to let this go and get the divorce done with 50/50 custody and if this actually causes problems with the children, get them to a therapist and use that to modify 50/50 custody more in your favor.

But start off with 50/50 custody if you can, because even with this there's a GOOD chance that a judge is going to be bias against men and give her primary custody if you fight this in court.

[Oneforthree]

Do you have a formal written separation agreement?

Does your state recognize formal separation? If so, it may not be adultery (some states do not have formal separation, therefore any infidelity is considered adultery).

Lasty, you absolutely cannot control her. Trying to "punish" her by not "giving her a dime" is likely shooting yourself in the foot. It may cost you years of court fighting, and much more $$ in the end to just "teach her a lesson". Perhaps focus on getting divorced quickly, and efficiently.

[Fatheroffour]

No one will give a second thouht to "cheating" during a separation because its not cheating.

You're separated.

[BartSimpson]

No one will give a second thought to "cheating" during a separation because its not cheating.

You're separated.

Ta-da! Thread complete. There's even a category for it on Match.com.


I did notice the "even if he's a nice guy" thrown in there - funny how all men are bad until proven otherwise. We men can be our own worst enemy.

[Fatheroffour]

White knighting runs deep.

[jumbledone]