Divorcing after 8 years.

[yahoofx]

Hello everyone - as sad as it is to admit I'm finally calling off the marriage to my wife. I will be the one to file for divorce. Here's our situation.


We have three kids ages 10, 7, and 6. We rent a house that I pay for completely. We don't have any real assets other than her investment account that has been untouched for years and she came into the marriage with it. We have our own cars that we separately pay for. She's got a degree and such and has earning potential. I make about 57k a year and pay for just about everything in the house except for food and her personal expenses like the timeshare that she owns, and her credit card.

What I would like to see happen for us is for us to have split or joint custody. In the beginning while I get my feet under me again I plan on moving to my father's house which is 10 miles away. I have gotten to the point where she agrees to move out of the house we're renting and allow for me to terminate the lease on this property. I will help her find the apartment/house that she's moving to and will expect her to have the kids there with her while I am at my father's house. This would be happening on July 1st.

I've agreed to give her just about all the property in the house with the exceptions of a few things that I have at home that help keep me employed (desk, computer, bed). Anything that she doesn't want we will either donate or sell and I'll let her have the money.

I'm not looking to railroad her and I'm not sure about her intentions. What can I do to make sure that in the court's eyes when the filing for divorce comes up I don't look like the bad guy?

[Anything4Her]

Stop concentrating on looking like the bad guy. It has little play in court.

What kind of custody arrangement do you want? Concentrate on what is important.
This is your chance to shape what your future will look like and your relationship to your kids.

She's got a degree and such and has earning potential.

Does she have a job now? You were not clear, though the above statement implies SAHM.

[yahoofx]

I don't know what SAHM stands for. Is there a page listing common acronyms?
edit: nevermind - stay at home mom. She's not one of those.


She has a job now - but gets paid way under her potential.

I would like to have either a split custody with two of the three kids or a joint custody where we go half on time spent. Due to the nature of her job I would be dropping off and picking the kids up daily (school) so she could work and then there's days where overnights would be happening.

We haven't gone into any deep discussion about custody but I assume thats going to be soon as I need to bring it up to her.

I want to be with my kids - either with them in my apartment when I get out and get one (3 months) or with them all the time anyway with some form of identified custody.

[BartSimpson]

I don't get why you are moving to you father's house? What is "get on my feet again"?

If you can't afford to get your own place now, what is going to change in three months?

[yahoofx]

I would be moving out to be able to save money to afford a new lease on an apartment and to get some used furniture. Just enough to be able to have the kids over and to make it comfortable for them.

Even before the divorce is final I would be paying child support based upon what the agreed upon custody situation would be - and then saving the rest. I figure it would take me around the area of three months to be able to save up enough to pay down personal debt and save for furniture. I can definitely afford my own place now - but that place would be empty as I am giving most of the furniture to my SBTX so that she doesn't have to deal with having to come up with new (or used) furniture. She's the one that makes about 1/3 of what I make.

[BartSimpson]

You are making some of the most worst mistakes possible, moving out and paying money not court ordered. You really are setting up to fall on your sword and see your kid every other weekend, paying maximum child support and other costs such as insurance and activities.

If you can't save money now, you can sure bet you won't save more when you are going through a divorce.

Can we discuss an alternate strategy, or are you set on this mistaken one.

[yahoofx]

If I'm setting myself up to fall on my sword - then absolutely yes.
What do you think would be the right move?

[BartSimpson]

Let's talk about the moving out part first.

Wifey will have no reason to finalize the divorce when you are paying for everything under the temporary orders. She gets a house, the kids, and your money - without you. That's a pretty good deal to her. She can drag the divorce out for years, meanwhile move Mr. Wonderful in the house to tuck your kids into bed, while you get 6 nights a month.

Oh, and every penny you give her outside of court orders, is a gift.

If you don't live in the same school district, you will never have the kids 50/50.

How much proof do you have that you care for your kids daily - do their teachers know you, their Doctor, do you coach sports with them . . . To win this you need to be Superdad.

[yahoofx]

I plan to move in the same school district.
I need to do something though before she decides to uproot and move out of state without anything filed. If I'm reading you correctly I need to get her served with divorce papers?

She doesn't get a house she would be moving out and having to pay for that out of her own pocket. As far as the kids - I would plan on coming up with a custody agreement (50/50) during filing. As for the money - what do you think I should do? Not give her anything?

Edit: as far as proof - yes all of their teachers know who I am and know that I drop off / pick up every day. My son's coaches know me, and know that I am very involved in his sports life. I can't go as far as saying that I'm a perfect father, but I sure am there and very entrenched in their lives.

[BartSimpson]

Not so fast on the filing. You need to have all your ducks in a row first. If she up and runs with the kids, there are ways of dealing with that. The problem most Dads make is they do not lay a proper foundation to build upon because they file prematurely, or move out.

What state are you living in, and for discussion, where would she move?

Do me the favor and read "the list". It seems harsh at first, but it is sound in concept. Let me guess, you think you can do this without a lawyer.

Planning on doing something isn't going to work. You have the mistaken idea that you can move out and then take care of business. We're here to tell you that Does not work.

The money thing is this - either she supports herself, or you support her. The more she has the kid's, the more you pay. You are outright giving her the kids, so you pay the maximum child support. I bet you haven't run the numbers through a CS calculator for your state yet.

And then there is Status Quo - Judges do not change things later, so whatever you get temporarily is likely to be the way it is for a loooooonnnnggg time.