sometimes the good guys win

[Groundhogday]

We just finished the final hearing for my divorce after 11 months of hand-to-hand legal combat. Back in May of 2011, I initiated the divorce and after a month of negotiations we agreed to work with a mediator and deliberately pursue an amicable solution. Working with a mediator my wife selected, we reached an agreement on property, maintenance, parenting plan, and child support. Handshake deal, appointment with mediator to draw up papers, and my wife decided to consult with the combative attorney in town (secretively), just to see what she had to say. (For perspective, she had already consulted with two other attorneys prior to the mediation.)

This woman convinced that she was being taken advantage of, she could make a killing, etc... Four days later, I'm accused of domestic violence, she takes the kids, and we are launching into a year of He11.

How did it work out a year later? Relative to our mediated agreement, my wife got:
-$9k less cash
- $15k less retirement
- $100/mo less child support
- substantially larger net income ratio (larger share of child care and medical bills)
- 11 additional overnights
- parenting plan that causes major problems for her work

So she got a few more overnights and lost everything else. Toss in her attorney fees, time, etc... and she clearly made a terrible decision.

How did it work?
1) I was ferocious about documenting everything. We just blew them out of the water in court today because I could document all of my child-rearing expenditures AND many of hers. (We documented her rent, substandard housing, etc...)
2) Didn't stop until I found a good attorney. Third time was the charm for me.
3) I was actively involved in my case, did the background research, questioned my attorneys, didn't trust anyone else to look out for my best interest. My second attorney told me to sign an agreement based upon an advisory judgement (they met in chambers for 5 minutes with no evidence) and that we could work to change it later. If I had followed her advice I would have been screwed for 14 years on child support as there was no way to appeal or modify this voluntary agreement for residential credit. If that attorney wasn't going to retire soon, I would report her for professional misconduct.
4) Did I mention DOCUMENT everything!
5) The one thing I would do differently would be to avoid anything more than completely perfunctory emails with my STBX. Emails are toxic, there is too much opportunity to say the wrong thing.

The deck is really stacked against men in family court. I compensated by outworking the opposition. Since my STBX has never been very good at the "hard work" thing, that was my advantage. Time for a nice long bath.

[Fatheroffour]

Congratulations.

Let the healing begin!

[hoosier_dad]

I compensated by outworking the opposition.

Congrats!

I think many of us offered our exes better deals out of court, but their heads were filled with stories of bleeding us dry. And unfortunately due to court bias we have to outwork and outspend them to get a decent result.

[grgr]

Congratulations. Sometimes their sense of entitlement becomes their downfall.

- parenting plan that causes major problems for her work

Hope your plan includes a ROFR. You could eventually regain those 11 days and then some.

[Trevor]

Congrats and good luck, stick around and help share your experience!

[Oneforthree]

Congrats!

Well worth $ and blood/sweat and tears for it in the end

[bob523]

Congratulations. I hope to join you one day!

[Hawaii50]

My wife was just like yours. She even had 2 combative attorneys.

Trial gave her $100,000 Less cash than settlement offers
$90 more child support
$40,000 more legal bills
$20,000 more retirement
$22,000 more car loan vs. free car

[Chosen2Dad]

That's great to hear! There is hope! While documenting crazy, I may not be as fortunate as you. But I am looking to get anything. Anything I get, will piss off the STBX!

[modad]

Congratulations!! Can only imagine the mental peace & relief you must be going through...
Enjoy your freedom my friend!!!