Worst-case scenario in NJ divorce...

[Chosen2Dad]

Good morning Dads!

I wish I had found this site sooner in the divorce process and/or read the List prior to the start. To give you a overview of everything going on. I wish I was in Florida rather than Jersey.

1. STBX makes more than double me. (total comp 169k vs. 72k)
2. Left my career in FL, to take a lower paying job.
3. We have a 2 year old son who is my life just like your kids to you.
4. She dominates everything now since filing in January.
5. Her mother has basically moved in since January 21st!
6. She alienates me at times on video/camera.
7. 3 year marriage

We have had our share of battles in upbringing of our son. The lack of emotional and intimate contact with the STBX started me to go down this process.

We have run up 25k a piece probably in lawyer fees. Her mother said it best, you should be paying for him to go to college and not your lawyers' children. We have parenting experts involved in the process per her idea.

My flexibility in the job is great so I can spend more time with him. Her job is far more demanding, but she is making adjustments now due to divorce process.

We went to mediation this past Monday and she asked for our son 7 days a week with me getting a few hours a day here and there. I asked for 50/50 because I feel that it's in his best interest to have us both around as much as possible. I would even lean towards 3-4 in her favor if it got her to STFU. She is very controlling of him and his time. Chores and tasks that I used to do, she has not taken control over: pick up and drop off, bath time, dishes, and laundry. She primarily made his food because she didn't want me making non-organic food. I have cooked for us for years prior to our son. She cannot cook. She microwaves his food for daily consumption. During her busy season as a CPA, I was making his food, but when it ended, she demand and told me that she was making his food again. I would let her put him down and get him up in the AM because she didn't spend as much time in the past with him. And now I want to be able to do those things and I am afraid of the BS that could come behind it with 911 calls or whatever. I'm trying to take the "high" road, but the List tells you not to.

Trying to get some in-house rules set up since this will most likely go to litigation because she doesn't want to compromise/give up/mediate anything. So at least we have some peace and stability in the house.

Hoping you can share your experiences. I look forward to your words!

[defaultuser]

From what you say, it appears that you have a good case for primary custody. She can be the every other weekend parent and you can continue to do the day to day stuff.

What you need to do to secure that is provide evidence to the court that you are the one caring for your kid. This evidence will be the make or break factor in your divorce.

Lucky for you, you don't have to listen to your X's BS anymore and can do whatever you think is appropriate.

If I were you, I'd start feeding my kid whatever I felt like, but be aware of the fallout, and collect it as evidence. When she walks into the house and sees spaghetti-o's all over your kids face it will be a precious moment.

[CCR]

Forget the 3-4 and start thinking 4-3. It sounds you already have that role. There's no reason to give it away.

Financially, it could make a world of difference. In my state your 3-4 would have you paying her $500/month. With 4-3, she would pay you around $600. This varies greatly from state to state. I plugged the same numbers in a CA calculator and it was $554 and $1150.

Daycare is usually split and the parent with the lesser parenting time (non-custodial parent) most often is ordered to pay for medical insurance.

What state are you in?

[capslock]

...

[CCR]

I looked a little closer. They moved from FL to Jersey.

NJ has the NCP paying for both college tuition and child support until 23 as I recall.

From reading hundreds of cases the last 15 years, dads get the short end by default.

Plugging the numbers in the NJ calculator, NCP dad pays $575, NCP mom pays $1400.

OP needs an attorney yesterday. Should have been following the list for the last year preparing.

[Chosen2Dad]

I wish I had thought about this sooner CCR: agreed that I would have been planning a year ago. If I found this site while thinking about it, it would be a different story.

As for the primary care: it will just be a battle. But ultimately, yes, I could just dump out her food and make my own for him. I have on journal when I did make his food during her busy season. And going the route of feeding him whatever is a route I am going to go.

Can I evict/get a motion to get rid of the mother in law? As for my family, we don't have that option, cause we actually work. But they are all planning on taking vacation in July and staying at the house as long as I am still here.

As for going to the Dr. We both take him.

My lawyer said the worst case scenario was I got every other weekend and 1 night a week. So that would come out to the minimum for joint custody of 28%. And of course any more days is a bonus I will be happy to take.

I thank you for your opinions. It's sad that we cannot agree. I don't care about the money. I only care about my son.

[Claudius]

Carry a recorder if Fla. Is one party state.

He's in NJ (as I see you realized), and it is a one-party state. atioce - get a recorder.

[Chosen2Dad]

Caps/Claud,

I have a recorder on order and will be here tomorrow. I have been using the Itouch and cell phone, but this recorder will be the primary as it is voice activated.

[demurrer]

Can I evict/get a motion to get rid of the mother in law? As for my family, we don't have that option, cause we actually work. But they are all planning on taking vacation in July and staying at the house as long as I am still here.

Sort of. It's called "Exclusive Use and Possession" in VA, not sure if same term is used in NJ While litigation is pending the Court can award it to the plaintiff, defendant, or neither. The best scenario is that stbx gets ordered to make ALL mortgage payments and you get Exclusive Use and Possession. Bye bye nj/stbx and MiL.

Look in the divorce documents that were filed. At least one of your attorneys _should_ have asked for Exclusive Use and Possession.

[demurrer]

Caps/Claud,

I have a recorder on order and will be here tomorrow. I have been using the Itouch and cell phone, but this recorder will be the primary as it is voice activated.

Priceless: My stbx yelling and demand over the phone I return our S8 (no Court order in place). I'll never forget recording "I [nj/stbx] have FULL CUSTODY" multiple times while trying to deny overnight stays to me.

It's going to be a great Custody Trial in early January since the nj/stbx/control freak is so apparent on recorded conversations. Other than that she appears to be an adequate mom (that's on the prowl for her next meal ticket).

Can not wait to record what comes out of her mouth when I take S8 on vacation.