How can I take my mind of my wife who is on a date?

[stretchkr]

She is with her new lover right now. And I am at home. I got the kids fed, played with them, helped with homework, and put them to bed. Now I'm sitting here steaming because I thought I knew this person, who has basically abandoned me and our kids, to be with a much younger, good for nothing, jobless, lives with his parents punk.... I just can't understand it, and my therapist says just make the best of it and accept that I cant change what she is doing, but in a lot of ways, this is worse than death I think. I could lose everything, though she would have a hard time of that, but I worked so damned hard on my marriage, my kids, all the things we own, only to have them all torn apart... For what?? Lust? She cant even give me a reason why she is doing this, or why she doesn't want to be with me, even goes so far as to talk about her dates with this guy... t makes me sick, and when I broach the topic of a mediated divorce, she breaks down and says I'm throwing her out in the street, as she works part time, and has little work experience. People tell me to toughen up and put her in her place, but how will that affect my kids, who will have to live with her, in a low income crap hole, or with her and this new guy.... The whole thing is just so... Heartbreaking. I know this is a very wordy explanation to a question. I guess its just venting really...

[mcc333]

by your post it seems this is a fairly recent development. Painful as it is, you won't be able to take your mind off of it for a while but eventually it will dissipate. Sounds like you are doing good by your kids so far. Seriously though if there is infidelity and she is so brazen about it, divorce is inevitable. I like your thought about staying together for the kids but the NJ has already made that decision for you. Ask yourself if you can stay married to a NJ that comes over with her new boyfreind for dinner. If not, then get out now.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

As this is a recent development, you aren't going to be able to just flip a switch and not think about it.

I'll tell you why she's doing it. She gets to have her cake (a paid roof over her head) and eat it too (date a bum).

Most people aren't going to get an honest answer to the question that you asked her. Why? A man or woman that's inflicting this on their spouse isn't going to want to admit it to themself...much less anyone else. They're doing what they are because of greed, because they know (or think) that they can get away with it, etc. Entirely self-centered motives.

Take her behavior. She has the nerve to talk about the guy in your presence, but takes offense at the idea of you wanting to end things. Why does she do this? She's guilting you into staying around. She's betting that you're enough of a softie to just sit back and let her carry on.

My recommendation? Document everything. Record your conversations, save messages, etc. Save up this evidence for when you're ready to leave her. If you do it right...you should be the one getting more of the custody.

When the time comes, boot her *** out of the house. Take care of your kids...first and foremost. However, don't "stay married for the kids." In the long run....the kids will respect you more for putting them first and getting her out of the house. If she were at all concerned with her kids well being...she wouldn't be whoring herself out.

I don't know how old your kids are, but how do you think your kids will look at the situation when they're old enough to take it all in? What will their idea of a relationship be when they see mommy going out to date her boy toy while daddy takes care of them? Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on everything that goes on around them. Kids know when their parents are off.

Anyways. I hope you're able to find some sort of peace after all is said and done.

[BartSimpson]

Any reason you couldn't take the kids and move to your parents for a while?

Change the locks? Sometimes you bluff and it works.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Any reason you couldn't take the kids and move to your parents for a while?

Change the locks? Sometimes you bluff and it works.

Even money that's what she's hoping for. He takes off with the kids to his parents place...she can bring her boy toy to the house and she doesn't even have to worry about de-conflicting her bang schedule around the kids being at home.

[hoosier_dad]

She cant even give me a reason why she is doing this, or why she doesn't want to be with me

First plan of action for you is to stop questioning her about the affair. If there was any hope of saving your marriage you could push her, but at this point your questioning could very likely trigger a false DV charge.

I was in your situation and watched my ex get dressed up and go out on overnight dates for months. I was as miserable as you are until I crossed the point of no return in my mind. At that point all my why and what if questions were just replaced with disgust for the skank I was married to. She eventually asked to stay together for the sake of the kids, and the thought of that made me sick.

The best thing you can do for your children and yourself at this point is to make her being away as convenient as possible for her, while you journal your time and activities with your children as well as her time away from the home.

[BartSimpson]

It's a custody ploy, not a housing ploy. Boytoy is a flash in the pan, and wifey won't get her act together enough to get an order to return the kids. She will be stupid from all that banging, and Dad will have custody and the house shortly.

It's called the Mr. Wonderful effect, but our brother here should not subject himself to being cuckold - even if it means going home to Mom.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

She cant even give me a reason why she is doing this, or why she doesn't want to be with me

First plan of action for you is to stop questioning her about the affair. If there was any hope of saving your marriage you could push her, but at this point your questioning could very likely trigger a false DV charge.

x2. That's the best advice that you can get at the moment. Do not question her about her behavior or direct pointed comments at her. Speaking from personal experience (like many others here)....your NJ can go from calm to full-on NJ so fast that it'll make your head spin.

My biggest concern when I got ready to vacate was the false DV charge thing that hoosier_dad mentioned. That kind of thing happens a lot. Watch your back...that's all I can say.

It's a custody ploy, not a housing ploy. Boytoy is a flash in the pan, and wifey won't get her act together enough to get an order to return the kids. She will be stupid from all that banging, and Dad will have custody and the house shortly.

It's called the Mr. Wonderful effect, but our brother here should not subject himself to being cuckold - even if it means going home to Mom.

From the sounds of it...she's not that deep. We're talking about someone that wants to do as she pleases and have someone to watch the kids. I would put money on it that she's convinced (in her head) that she can get him to stick around.

My NJ is like that. There's no looking for deeper motive. She's so goddamn transparent that it's amusing at times.

Which brings me to your cuckold comment. Yup. That's right on. I don't knock on anyone for fleeing to a safe ground. I had to do that when I left.

[happier_now]

good advice here...hard to ignore what's happening, but do you best....any attempts otherwise will have her re-write history and it WILL be all your fault.

document, document, document, be super dad and get the full value of the Mr. Wonderful effect...I shot myself in the foot by confronting her as did plenty of other dads here......DON'T DO IT, find a happy place and be super dad.

[defaultuser]

If you're not taking action to resolve this situation you're gonna spiral. Get a lawyer. File for divorce. Stop talking to her, except to tell her that she needs to move out sooner rather than later.

If you haven't done so already, make sure she has no access to your money.

And, above all document the fact that you're the one caring for the kids and she's the one abandoning them. Get witnesses. When she goes out, I'd invite different people over to hang out with but also to testify to what is going on.

If you haven't already secured your place in the home, you need to do that ASAP. Put a deadbolt on your bedroom door so she can't get in when she gets home. You should be minimizing contact with her.