Share your mediation experience?

[defaultuser]

Ours was a lawyer and mediator - she was great. We stated what we were looking for...an amicable divorce - and she helped to make it so. She praised us on keeping our extended families noses out of the process, and for always keeping the kids best interests in mind. We met in the same room together 3 times - 1st to get the lay of the land, 2nd to go over the legalise of how "what we wanted" was going to work in the real world, 3rd to go over the final "offer" to the courts. Then we had a "signing party".
Our only hiccups was CS & alimony - I really didnt want any...but because he made well over 5 times what I did (I was back in college after 5 years of raising kids when we seperated...and had a FT "slightly better than peon" $25K/yr job to pay the bills) - the courts "frowned upon" zero funds changing hands. She let us know the bare minimum that they would accept me taking, and we set it as such. I waived all alimony rights - it's his education and hard work that earns his paycheck, not mine. Custody - we were adamant that we had 50/50 - it was 10 years ago...so it was greeted with skepticism - but we prevailed.
She brought to light number of things that we never would have thought of..ie; child care, education, schools, medical care etc...so she saved us from making a lot of errors. It helped to discuss and come to these decision with a legal party in the room...not only to bring up the questions that needed answering, but to guide us on what was legal and what was not. She called him out for being an at times, but also called me out for not thinking of my future enough (for the record - I did just fine on my own...the CS still helps...but it's mainly so I can afford to semi-match him level of cost of living ie; vacations, kids clothing, toys, 529 plans...etc...). She jumped in when discussions about the items in the house became tense - she kept us focused. And when we both teared up at the signing...she was there to calm us both.
In the end - we were both able to walk away feeling comfortable in our plan for the future. And to this day (although I am sure he still resents the piddling amount he is required to send me - despite his income more than doubling and the CS never changing), we can still work together in the best interests of the kids, we socialize together in groups (I "play well with others"...so I can grit my teeth through his sarcasm most of the time)...all in all - we are on good terms - and a lot of that is due to the mediator in the beginning - taking us by the hand and leading us through the scary process.

I applaud you for being reasonable. Do you think the mediation would have worked if you were out to get every penny you could, maximize alimony and child support, and become the gatekeeper to the kids?

Again, I'm not trying to offend you, its just worth noting that when both people are reasonable the mediation isn't too bad. When you're dealing with a NJ, its very difficult process.

[coparentchamp]

I applaud you for being reasonable. Do you think the mediation would have worked if you were out to get every penny you could, maximize alimony and child support, and become the gatekeeper to the kids?

Again, I'm not trying to offend you, its just worth noting that when both people are reasonable the mediation isn't too bad. When you're dealing with a NJ, its very difficult process.


Not offended - from a woman perspective - guys can be NJs also....my ex was in danger of becoming one - my patience worked twofold...it kept him talking and also pissed him off something fierce that I refused to take the bait and get nasty back. He began to realize that when he got all "NJ-bee"...and I sat serenely in my chair waiting for him to put his head back on straight - he just looked like a fool. (I may be patient & amicable - but I was and am NOT above taking private pleasure in watching him get scolded ). He has tried to play gatekeeper/"you owe me half of the $4 I gave kids for ice cream", with the kids and info on occasion...but his current wife is there to slap him upside the head.
My BF went through a really rough divorce with his ex...he was generous and patient - but she did go the route of the female NJ - she demanded max of everything and minimal custody...and was pissed when he got a lawyer and the lawyer said no (she was of the mind that she was entitled to legal counsel...but how dare he!). Now years later - she still nickels and dimes him...and hates it when he does it back. She plays gatekeeper majorly with the kids, walks the line of PAS, insults his parenting at every turn, attempts to undermine his (and mine) standing in the community (that one backfired), throws him under the bus to the kids dr's...etc. I just want to shake her and tell her grow up! (But then I'd have an assult charge on my head and letters from her lawyer...thats her MO).

So I have seen it from both sides...I see how "good" it could be...and how bad it could be. I keep in mind the long term....the other parent is going to be part of our lives...forever...and unless you want your child stressing out over which parent s/he wants the most at thier graduation/wedding/childs birth/baptisim etc...because mom and dad can't be in a room together without the police being on call - even after 5/10/15 years apart....sheesh!

[defaultuser]

I hear you. There are lots of male NJ's out there too. I know some.

We forget sometimes, because this board is meant to promote father's rights that the pendulum often swings both ways. Most guys are here because they are trying to fight an unreasonable woman.

The guys that come here with a NJ attitude get chased of pretty quickly. Even faster than the women who want to post a lot of drama (you don't appear to be one of them).

[jumbledone]

I hear you. There are lots of male NJ's out there too. I know some.

We forget sometimes, because this board is meant to promote father's rights that the pendulum often swings both ways. Most guys are here because they are trying to fight an unreasonable woman.

The guys that come here with a NJ attitude get chased of pretty quickly. Even faster than the women who want to post a lot of drama (you don't appear to be one of them).

GA_Devastated_Dad?

[coparentchamp]

We forget sometimes, because this board is meant to promote father's rights that the pendulum often swings both ways. Most guys are here because they are trying to fight an unreasonable woman.

The guys that come here with a NJ attitude get chased of pretty quickly. Even faster than the women who want to post a lot of drama (you don't appear to be one of them).


I am a huge advocate for fathers rights - It angered me when I went through my divorce that so little consideration was given to my ex just because he wasn't a female. He was/is an amazing dad who loves his kids every bit as much as I loved them, it made no sense to me that it was automatically assumed that I would be the only custodial parent and he would only see them every other weekend. I was floored at how biased the courts were just based on gender. The best parent is one that loves the kids with all thier heart...regardless of thier gender...and 2 parents are better than 1 - even apart. My kids know that they are well loved, equally, by both parents...

And yes - I am the anti-drama woman - I get enough of that with my ex and my teen

[Bubba Seal]

Lets see mediation.

Originally my ex was moving out and her attorney and mine wanted to get the parenting agreement done, first, we mediated in the same room, got pretty emotional at times, but i think in the end we were pretty reasonable, the mediator was really good at cooling things down. We did get an agreement, at first she wanted 80% and me 20%, in the end we got a 50/50 with the agreement that neither was primary, and if we counldnt agree on something we agreed to go back into mediation, so far in 8 years weve only come close to that one time, I like this setup, cause it doesnt give either parent the upper hand in children and decisions.

We mediated 3 times in seperate rooms over the financials, we didnt really get and agreement from this, but it did provide me with the knowledge of things that were important to her, such as health insurance, I remember them wanting me to pay around $2000 per month for 5 years, when I got done I found out that our current insurance would just write her a policy for around $480 a month, so I agreed to provide insurance for 5 years, Ive got a couple of years to go, it has gone up to $520 a month but way better than 2 grand a month.

Originally she wanted lifetime alimony, but after going thru mediation, both mediators just told her she probably wouldnt get that because she had worked and maintained her CPA practice and license thru out the marriage, so in the end no alimony.

We had quite a few assetts to devide, when you look at this stuff in one big lump its overwhelming, what I did was go piece by piece thru what we had and we did come to some basic understanding who was entitled to what thru all of that. I couldnt borrow enough money to make it all happen, so we compromised and I agree to let her finance our business interest, and the things in the house, over a 7 yr period, with 4% interest.

We actually settled in the courtroom hallway before court was too start, I gave in and added $15,000 to pay on her attorney fees at the last minute to seal the deal.

Mediation gave me time to figure out a way to work it all out, its just a big jigsaw puzzle that had to be taken one piece at a time, to structure payment and things to suit her, and also in a way that I could afford.

I honestly hated mediation, and it cost a fortune for us, but without I dont think we would have gotten to an agreement.

I think you have to decide what you are not willing to give up, before you go in, and make sure you have some things that you can compromise on in mediation in order to keeep things rolling, otherwise to me there is no point in going thru all of that, just go straight to court.

Good Luck, I would advise against signing anything in mediation, first you need to get a n agreement in principle, and then you need some time to really think thru it, dont be pressured into settleing, until you are comfortable with what you are doing, plus make sure you really look financially at whether you can afford to do what you are agreeing too, I have one buddy who just wanted to get it over with and agreeed to everything and he regretted if for a long time, he gave in way too much in my opinion.