Deployed

[Deployed]

Gentlemen,

First time poster, long time lurker so please, be easy on me!

Here is my scenario. I hope someone can help me shed some light on this situation and what the proper way to address all of my issues might be. I am not looking for a handout, just friendly advice to make life easier on my ex, kids and myself.

So, I am currently deployed to Afghanistan, however, I am not a soldier. I am doing 3 month rotations deployed and 1 month rotated back home. My wife works in Oklahoma and takes care of our 2 kids (G6, B1) I just received the OK from my employer to telecommute and so we will be moving to another state.

I am preparing myself to tell her I want a divorce, there is no other route to take, so please save your energy talking to me about the 'counseling' spiel.

I travel extensively, not just OCONUS but CONUS as well. How will the courts view this in regards to custody? Will they be more lenient because my work deals with the military?

We have approx 100k saved up; mostly 401k, stocks, bonds; I am not concerned about giving up almost all my equity, I just want to make this transition as easy for the kids as possible and being apart of their lives as much as I can. Note: this divorce has a lot to do with how much I travel. I no longer receive (understandable) the support I used to while being on the road as much as I am.

So considering how much I work (currently in Afghanistan), moving to another state, filing for divorce, her having no job when we move, providing her a home for the kids while I am gone...what can I expect? How can I go about this to make sure everyone is taken care of? I don't mind providing for her until she gets her feet on the ground in another city...paying housing, food, car payments...I just want to make the transition as easy as possible. I know it's cliche to think everything will be OK, I just want to minimize the damage as much as possible.

If I am missing any information, please let me know. I am preparing to get a lawyer involved but really, I don't want anyone to take advantage of this situation. No drugs, violence, alcohol or anything. Both college educated with a good head on our shoulders...I just don't love her enough to stick around any longer. As greedy as it may sound, I need to focus on myself being happy too and right now, being married to her...doesn't make me happy.

Look forward to your responses!

[Chris A]

Don't say a word until you are moved and settled in new state. What state are you moving too?

[Deployed]

Seriously! I don't know if I can pretend for that long...we are moving to WA state. Since OK is a no fault state...I figured it would be easier to file here. No?

I had actually thought about doing this but didn't want to string it out for that long...

[Trevor]

How much time do you plan on parenting your children now that you have been approved to telecommute?

[Chris A]

What if she does not want to move after you file?

[Fatheroffour]

Considering the OPs situation and stated goals I think a finesse approach will hurt less, short and long term, instead of a List approach.

[Deployed]

Fatheroffour,

Thanks for pointing that out. So many other had success with the list but I don't think it is appropriate in my situation. There is no anger, hatred or animosity in our relationship; I am just not in love with her. So many people say 'stay together for the kids' but I don't agree with that. Don't get me wrong, I will always be there to provide for them, morally and financially but I no longer want to stay married to her.

I was worried about her not wanting to move after breaking the news to her but she has no family here and we have talked about moving back for years. I guess that is a bridge I will have to cross when the time comes. If worst comes to worst, I will stay here for my kids; they are my priority in all of this.

[Fatheroffour]

The animosity, anger and hatred you have to worry about is hers , now and in the future. Given what you've posted, she has you over a barrel.

[Trevor]

If you want help you need to answer all the questions. Don't make us have to drag them out of you, or we'll get bored and stop trying.

[defaultuser]

If I were you, I'd file for divorce in the state that you want to live in, after you're living there. It will make things easier for you, unless one state is more mommy biased than the other.

Also, you should be fighting for your best outcome, either by being nice or not, because you can bet that she will be too.

As far as custody goes, what percentage, overall, of your kids time do you spend caring for them? If I were you, I'd fight for an outcome that gave you the flexibility to care for your children when you are not traveling. Something like 50/50 when you're home or something.

Does your wife work?