Today confirmed what I need to do.....

[Fatheroffour]

^^ Or, as my kids mom said, "Life is to short to stay in a marriage with someone you're not in love with for the sake of the kids."

[capslock]

...

[Trevor]

No one I know whose parents "stayed together for the kids" appreciates that and got no benefit from it. You are right that kids living in a toxic environment don't fare better than ones raised with two household that are happier.

Your use of the phrase "boogeyman called divorce" suggests to me that you aren't looking deeply enough at the implications and impacts of real divorce on real people. This is not about superficial rubbish like people's opinions of you or the child worrying about how to explain it to her little friends. There is no longer a stigma to divorce except in little pockets of America who will never see any good reason to divorce, not even abuse or violence or addiction.

This is about real change to your kid's everyday life, and a lot of it won't be pleasant, especially if her mother reacts with venom and vengeance, as often happens. Yes, you have to make a decision and stick with it, and other people will also be forever changed because of it, so again, you'd better make damn sure this isn't about some chick or some notion that the grass is greener on another meadow.

[tech1976]

Trevor has brought up really good points.
Sounds like you should just say happy anniversary, buy her an xl neglige, and ______ the heck out of her. It does wonders as an attitude adjustment.



It's a shame how the mind works sometimes. I do believe it is deep in humans' dna to want to move on and spread our genes around. At the same time, if you can save the marraige that would be best for your daughter.

Buy her a neglige and ___ the heck out her? Not happening. It hasn't happened since 2008. A 4-year and counting dry spell, my man. I am scheduled to see a lawyer next week and look forward to it with joy and pain.

[jumbledone]

No one I know whose parents "stayed together for the kids" appreciates that and got no benefit from it. You are right that kids living in a toxic environment don't fare better than ones raised with two household that are happier.

Your use of the phrase "boogeyman called divorce" suggests to me that you aren't looking deeply enough at the implications and impacts of real divorce on real people. This is not about superficial rubbish like people's opinions of you or the child worrying about how to explain it to her little friends. There is no longer a stigma to divorce except in little pockets of America who will never see any good reason to divorce, not even abuse or violence or addiction.

This is about real change to your kid's everyday life, and a lot of it won't be pleasant, especially if her mother reacts with venom and vengeance, as often happens. Yes, you have to make a decision and stick with it, and other people will also be forever changed because of it, so again, you'd better make damn sure this isn't about some chick or some notion that the grass is greener on another meadow.

Let's not forget the impact on the OP, too. This is a life-changing event. House, family, 401k, bank accounts, etc. Everything as you know it will change.

I don't get the whole 'I am just not in love with her' anymore thing. You did at one point. Look back, find out why, and where you started moving apart. Start again from that point. I don't see anything 'Toxic' yet. Your feelings have changed, no notes of abuse (verbal or physical). Your musings point to someone who doesn't really understand the boogeyman called divorce, because as Trevor points out, there is no stigma attached to it anymore. Popular culture has seen to it.

What better thing to teach our kids then how to overcome the short-term looking for gratification, and actually solving the problem, showing the kids that it takes effort and work, but in the end it is best.

[defaultuser]

I take a different view than you guys.

I don't disagree with what you're saying, but this is a divorce forum. If the OP wants information on how to preserve his role as a father post divorce, I think we should offer it to him.

Not knowing the situation, I'm in favor of attempting to fix a marriage rather than bust it up, but he didn't come here looking for that advice. His mind is made up.

To the OP: Divorce sucks big time. Its really hard on you and your kids, and you'll be dealing with your wife for many years which will make finding new love, keeping the money you earn, and being a father more difficult than it is today. If its a matter of sex, go get some sex. If you must divorce, you're in the right place. This forum will help you understand the things you need to do to minimize the negative impact of divorce.

[Fatheroffour]

but in the end it is best.

Assumes facts not in evidence.

[tech1976]

I am listening, Trevor. I am certain this is what I need to do. Unfortunately, it is a double-edged sword. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. I might as well do.

The grass sure isn't greener on the other side. There will be something in another woman I choose to be with that gets on my nerves, etc. However, if it is someone I want to be with and truly love and I am in love with her, I think that would be the difference maker...some things would be more tolerable and my heart will be in it.

Man, don't I wish my heart had a light switch that I could just turn on and feel like this can be worked out.....

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

Yup. As my mom put it to me...you have to ask yourself... "do you have more good days than bad days with your wife?" If the answer is more bad days...then it's probably time to make a change.

You're on the right track by setting up an appointment with an attorney. Go in there with a list of ALL of your assets and liabilities, as well as your issues. Your lawyer can't give you sound and concise advice if you try to be cute and hide some of your assets (as I've read a few people attempt to do here).

Your lawyer will also be able to tell from your list of issues whether or not it's time to "punch out" or if something like counseling and/or mediation might help.

Good luck. As the others have said...the divorce process sucks. However, if you're as miserable with your wife as I was with mine...moving home to your parents place and being penniless is actually a step up.

[Thermite]

Since you've already decided on divorce, it's really great that you found this place while things are still tolerable. Really. You have a golden opportunity here to plan ahead, and get yourself into a favorable position to achieve your goals before the SHTF. Spend as much time as possible with your daughter, document all the things you do together, start a journal, collecting evidence, etc. And keep posting and reading here- a couple months of education here could pay off BIG TIME when D-day comes.

I need time to adjust and get myself some new goals and a new direction as a newly single dad (I won't say a divorced dad). Dating will come in time but heck, I am looking to spend time becoming the best ME I can be and sharing that with those I love (my daughter, other family, friends, etc).

There's no reason you can't start being the person you want to today. Take your daughter to a ballgame or something, and chat it up with whoever happens to be sitting next to you. Go out and meet people, connect with family and friends- bring your daughter along to visit, host a barbecue, take her to the art museum or zoo or something... Your life won't magically get better because a judge signs a piece of paper. It takes effort and a change in mindset, and you can do that now.