Today confirmed what I need to do.....

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Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby tech1976 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 8:32 am

Today is our anniversary (10 years). We both did not say anything to each other like Happy Anniversary or anything this AM. It's like its just another day as usual in my household. It is very similar to what happened last year.

I am done and ready to make a change. I have only one life to live and I might as well push through the challenges ahead to get to a much better place within myself and to find the woman I truly want to be with. This marriage is done and no use beating a dead horse anymore.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby blueTexas » Fri Apr 27, 2012 8:56 am

Anniversaries seem to mean a lot more to wives.
While I understand there's no love between you anymore, there can be some advantages to at least recognizing the the day's importance in your lives...and keeping communications open.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby Trevor » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:14 am

And just in time for yours to qualify in most states as a "long-term marriage."

You really need to understand in detail the things that are your dissatisfiers, her dissatisfiers, and whether you both have the chops to turn this thing around. You need to understand the emotinal trauma that this will bring down on your kids and yourselves (I understand they are feeling some fallout now but they won't know what hit them if divorce comes around), and the horrible economic damage a divorce will bring you and the kids.

Have you tried counseling?
Has she gotten fat and inattentive or is she cheating on you?
Does she work FT?
How old are the kids?
What state?
How much parenting time are you hoping to get when divorced?
Dual Parenting, not Duel Parenting.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby defaultuser » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:15 am

I know you've thought about this before, but you're in a rare situation where you can plan for your divorce.

I suggest you find a good attorney, and set some realistic goals then figure out what you need to do now to meet those goals.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby tech1976 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:40 am

Trevor wrote:And just in time for yours to qualify in most states as a "long-term marriage."

You really need to understand in detail the things that are your dissatisfiers, her dissatisfiers, and whether you both have the chops to turn this thing around. You need to understand the emotinal trauma that this will bring down on your kids and yourselves (I understand they are feeling some fallout now but they won't know what hit them if divorce comes around), and the horrible economic damage a divorce will bring you and the kids.

Have you tried counseling?
Has she gotten fat and inattentive or is she cheating on you?
Does she work FT?
How old are the kids?
What state?
How much parenting time are you hoping to get when divorced?


No counseling. Waste of time. My heart's not in it.

She has always been "thick". I don't believe she is cheating on me. However, the issues run deeper than that. Trust me when I tell you that a divorce can only be an improvement in our daily rooming together.

She works full time.

One daughter, 6 years old.

Georgia

Weekends if not more.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby tech1976 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:43 am

defaultuser wrote:I know you've thought about this before, but you're in a rare situation where you can plan for your divorce.

I suggest you find a good attorney, and set some realistic goals then figure out what you need to do now to meet those goals.


Thanks. I am having a consultation within the next week with a divorce attorney. This is way too complicated (even after reading books and looking up laws on it) and I need some legal guidance.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby defaultuser » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:45 am

Go in knowing that the lawyer works for you. You need to set your goals, so when you go to see them, you can tell them what you want.

If your goal is "get divorced so I can find the woman I want to be with" you're gonna get screwed.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby tech1976 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:03 am

defaultuser wrote:Go in knowing that the lawyer works for you. You need to set your goals, so when you go to see them, you can tell them what you want.

If your goal is "get divorced so I can find the woman I want to be with" you're gonna get screwed.


Lol! You are right. I am writing out some questions now to ask the lawyer in addition to charting out the desired end result. I will also remain flexible as well. I want it to be uncontested but I am preparing for the worst. It's not like we have a lot of assets together (house, 2 older cars, 401k, joint savings/checking) that can't be divided up fairly but the word "fair" is open to be interpreted in a way that may work in favor of the woman in court. I am not attached to assets as they can always be obtained again (doesn't mean I won't reasonably fight for what I believe I am entitled to). I am more interested in ending this marriage, moving on, being the best dad I can be and taking care of my daughter.

I am not in a hurry to go out and start dating after I get divorced. I need time to adjust and get myself some new goals and a new direction as a newly single dad (I won't say a divorced dad). Dating will come in time but heck, I am looking to spend time becoming the best ME I can be and sharing that with those I love (my daughter, other family, friends, etc).
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby Trevor » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:41 am

Trevor wrote:You really need to understand in detail the things that are your dissatisfiers, her dissatisfiers, and whether you both have the chops to turn this thing around. You need to understand the emotional trauma that this will bring down on your kids and yourselves (I understand they are feeling some fallout now but they won't know what hit them if divorce comes around), and the horrible economic damage a divorce will bring you and the kids.

What about this stuff? You didn't respond to this part. You don't have to write it all out here, but you owe it to your kid to do serious due diligence.

Unless you give away the assets and take minimal parenting time, the chance that it is "uncontested" is very small. In some states, the existence of children precludes this option.

The reason people mentioned your dating intentions is that you mentioned that part of your purpose is "to find the woman I truly want to be with." We see it all the time that these words are spoken and there is at least one person in the picture as a possibility. Maybe you're the exception, who knows. But there's a reason your "heart's not in it" and you need to understand clearly what is that reason and it better be a good one for all the turbulence your D6 is going to suffer for it.

This is not to say that all of the turbulence is your fault; only that your reasons better justify what the child will have to endure. Sayin'.
Dual Parenting, not Duel Parenting.
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Re: Today confirmed what I need to do.....

Postby tech1976 » Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:00 am

I appreciate your honesty and everyone else's. Yes, I do think about the potential issues it may cause for my daughter. However, it may be more detrimental for us to stay married but living like roommates than it is to admit that it is done, move on and take care of our daughter jointly.

This may sound messed up but I am no longer afraid of the boogeyman called divorce. I use to wonder what this person would think, that person would think, who will say what, the stigma that comes with being divorced all the while not realizing that none of these people are in my marriage (well, maybe some of them were like my mother-in-law, Lol!). That's not to say they can't offer great advice but at the end of the day, I have to make a decision and stick by it.

I love my daughter too much to let her see daddy and mommy continue to fake being in love and wanting to be together when mommy and daddy don't really love each other like that. Now, its to the point where the real colors are showing (not in an abusive way but anyone around us long enough can tell something isn't quite right between us). I can't do this any longer even for my child. I believe my child will be better off with mom and dad divorced and taking care of her.
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