Adulterous Wife and Path to Divorce

[yuengling]

My wife and her boss are having an affair. I have enough evidence to easily
convince myself, but probably not enough for the court at this point,
if I were to use those grounds to file for divorce which is allowed in my state.
We're pretty equal in salary, with some sizable assets.

I've hired an attorney who has sent her a letter about discussions for
a separation agreement for us and the custody and care of our child. It's
his thinking that her adultery would be used as leverage in any agreement
negotiations and to get her out of the house for the year no-fault requirement.

My wife and I are living together still, but there is no communication between
us directly, unfortunately only using our child as a go between. I think she has
consulted an attorney, but my attorney hasn't heard from her, and it's past the
time requested for their separation proposal.

My initial thinking was to avoid court if possible, for the damage it would cause
us psychologically and especially to our child, as well as the costs. I'm in an
equitable division state, so it looks like it'd be 50/50 anyway, regardless of
adultery grounds or custody decisions.

I'm not sure what to do at this point, and I'd appreciate any and all advice out there
for others who are/have going through a similar situation.

[Fatheroffour]

Depending on your answer, it looks like some serious mistakes have been made already.

What are your custody goals?

What state are you in?

[Anything4Her]

Age/Sex of your child?

Length of marriage?

State?

[defaultuser]

Read the List.

My wife and I are living together still, but there is no communication between
us directly, unfortunately only using our child as a go between.

This must stop immediately. You can use email or text to communicate. This is torture for your kid. You should just switch over to communicating directly with her in writing. When she goes through your kid, ask her to stop in writing and communicate directly with you.

[jumbledone]

Read the List.

My wife and I are living together still, but there is no communication between
us directly, unfortunately only using our child as a go between.

This must stop immediately. You can use email or text to communicate. This is torture for your kid. You should just switch over to communicating directly with her in writing. When she goes through your kid, ask her to stop in writing and communicate directly with you.

DU beat me to it. Take your kid out of the middle of the issues with you and your STBX. No matter what age, needs to be out of it commpletely. Courts will and do take into account how the parents communicate and the way they protect the kids from the adult issues going on in deciding custody. If you cannot communicate with her, and she has b00bies, you may not get much time with your kid as the court will default to giving the kid to her. So best for you to try to solve this problem ASAP.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

If you know that they're going to divide your assets 50/50...do what my lawyer told me to do.

List out all assets and liabilities. Write up a draft of what you're proposing. In your case...divide everything by two. There's your separation agreement (if she agrees to the terms). As my lawyer said "lawyers are a waste of ******* money...do what you can yourself (i.e. do your research and write up a draft of what you're thinking) before bringing it into a lawyer."

Keep in mind...they bill by the hour. If they have to draft up everything and do pow-wows(from the sounds of your situation)...they're going to make bank...at your expense. Just my $.02....

And yeah...as the others said...stop using your kid as a go-between. Go to email as your primary form of communication, as you two are not on speaking terms. You're adults. If you can't communicate properly (I can't with my NJ either), that's what a lawyer is for. Your kid is going to have a rough enough time dealing with this situation without being using as for tug-o-war.

[yuengling]

I don't want to divulge too much specific info if I can avoid it.

We don't communicate since there isn't a need to anymore as a family, except maybe arrangements for dinners. we don't do family activities together. she gets the kid to school, often late, and I pick her up from after care. Wife gets home late right before kid's bedtime and lately we doing things separately with the kid on the weekend. it's basically a set schedule at this point. Have slept separately for couple of months, and my kid usually sleeps with my wife in the bed she's sleeping in.

[BubbaGumpShrimp]

I don't want to divulge too much specific info if I can avoid it.

We don't communicate since there isn't a need to anymore as a family, except maybe arrangements for dinners. we don't do family activities together. she gets the kid to school, often late, and I pick her up from after care. Wife gets home late right before kid's bedtime and lately we doing things separately with the kid on the weekend. it's basically a set schedule at this point. Have slept separately for couple of months, and my kid usually sleeps with my wife in the bed she's sleeping in.

Your financial information? It's all going to come out anyways. You'll have to list out ALL of your assets and liabilities. You're going to jam yourself up if you try to pick and choose what you divulge. Keep in mind...if she's been whoring around, you can bet that she's already given though to property division. She may already have a list of her own.

[Anything4Her]

I don't want to divulge too much specific info if I can avoid it.

I can understand that, but your state and age of your child are very important in custody determination. Length of marriage isn't so important if alimony isn't going to be an issue.

[Fatheroffour]

Every state has a different set of laws. Without knowing what state, there isn't much to discuss except the most basic issues.

What are your custody goals?