Graduation letter to my daughter

[BartSimpson]

An embarressment to who brother? Don't see myself ever being embarassed by it. Every word I typed is the gospel truth.

You will be embarrassed and regret it. I assure you.

My divorce was many decades ago, my daughter is now in her 30's. Take some advice from someone who has been there already - or not. In the end it's your call, and your maturity.

But writing this with the justification of it's the gospel truth shows your true intentions of short term revenge.

A lot of things are the truth, but with maturity, you find that generosity outweighs telling the truth - like how you don't tell a woman she's having a bad hair day, or your boss that he's ugly. Telling a teenager that they have been a . . . well, teenager? I hope you mature enough, to be generous enough for your daughter, to consider the long range relationship over the short term revenge.

[Trevor]

Do not send that letter to your child. Don't.

If/when she has an epiphany about how much of a little Runt she's been, that letter might be enough shame/barricade for her to avoid you altogether. And if she never has that epiphany, she's too stupid for the letter to have made enough sense to her to provoke thought, empathy, change.

It was therapeutic to write the letter and put it out there for yourself to see. Now delete it. Send nothing or rewrite some pleasant (but truthful) words of encouragement for life's road ahead. Come on, that's part of being a good Dad. The stuff you wrote is powerful and should be communicated to the child, but NOT this way...in person...and it can only help her once she wakes up and sees her hypocrisy and selfishness.

[jetstream]

Trevor and Bart you are both right. I won't send it. I will send a nice letter. But God I'm fed up with this < edited >!

You have no idea how often I think about writing their mom a lump sum check for child support and then just disappearing from the face of the planet.

[Trevor]

Until you realize that anything you send monthly above the ordered amount is a gift and the first month she misses receiving payment, she'll file for contempt and win arreareage and legal fees.

[BartSimpson]

Trevor and Bart you are both right. I won't send it. I will send a nice letter. But God I'm fed up with this < edited >!

She will be about 28 - right about her 10 year High School reunion - and out will fall this nice letter from her yearbook. She remembers what a biatch she was at 17, sees how selfless you were to set aside the trouble she caused and be Dad. Those feelings of being fed-up will be long forgotten.

You have no idea how often I think about writing their mom a lump sum check for child support and then just disappearing from the face of the planet.

If you had that kind of money, wouldn't it be easier to write that check to someone else and have her disappear from the face of the planet?




(Of course I'm kidding - You can't pay for that kind of service by check).

[jetstream]

Until you realize that anything you send monthly above the ordered amount is a gift and the first month she misses receiving payment, she'll file for contempt and win arreareage and legal fees.

I ain't stupid. It would be done through an attorney and the court and would constitute a full and complete settlement of my child support obligation. Or I could just set up a trust to handle it. It's an academic argument anyway. I'm not going to do it.

[Trevor]

I still wouldn't feel safe. You have much more faith in the legal systen than I do.

[jetstream]

I still wouldn't feel safe. You have much more faith in the legal systen than I do.

You're forgetting the part about me disappearing from the face of the planet after I do it.

[jetstream]

I could be wrong, but kids don't just decide to blow off a parent they have a connection with. yes, every teen prefers their friends, but the extreme you describe? I believe you might find there was a disconnect somewhere. Your letter mentions you spent time away working. Yes, that's a necessity. Perhaps there was a time when you were working or not connecting when home that she snowballed as a teen.
In any case you will always be the parent in the relationship and it will always be up to you to do what it takes. If that means daily snail mail love letters, then go for it. Do whatever it takes.

Side note- I am estranged from my father. His letter would look just like yours. But he failed to connect with me in the 11 years prior to the divorce. He worked. He would say he provided. Youretter sounds like you tried very hard. Consider where in her mind you may have failed.

Finally, the impulse to say you could just go away may be an indicator of something you should look into.

Thanks for psychoanalyzing a situation of which you know very little. The first four words of your response are about the only ones that apply.

[Trevor]

Don't be defensive. Introspection is/should always part of the analysis around life problems. It is perfectly fair to point out that you contributed your part of the relationship with your kid, and it is worthy of some time to think whether you contributed to the problem either directly or in the other person's view. Rarely is half of the relationship responsible for 100% of the corrosion of that relationship. To quote Sgt Hulka...lighten up, Francis.