My health and spousal support in California

[hillbillymot]

My divorce is taking place in California. Married for about 15 years. I am a type 2 diabetic with above average health care costs. Will the judge take this into consideration in determining spousal support? My soon to be ex-wife only works part time by choice. We have 2 kids ages 13 and 12. I live in another state. She wants full physical custody with giving me liberal < parenting time >. Any suggestions as to what I can expect.

[Trevor]

You can expect us to smack you in the back of the head and tell you to get your diabetic carcass back to where your kids live so they have a Dad during their important teen years. That's a start.

[hillbillymot]

that was helpful. guess I don't need health insurance or a job.

[Trevor]

Guess your kids don't need a FT Dad, or has their mother replaced you already?

[hillbillymot]

Dude, I'm just in the beginning phase of my divorce. My wife along with our kids were suppose to come out a few months after me. She decided she would rather stay where she was. I took this job because I was fast becoming obsolete in my old position. Before you pass judgement on me since you don't know my situation why don't just focus on my question. Sorry but I think part of being a great father is being able to feed and support your kids. Due to economic necessity I took a job out of state because I need to stay employed for the next 13 years of my life. Maybe that is not important to you. I miss my kids a lot and it will probably 6 years before I can see them again. But I will sleep at night knowing I am feeding them and providing health care. Maybe you have not noticed but there is a severe economic recession going on out there. Before you pass judgement walk a mile in my shoes. And learn to get some compassion.

[defaultuser]

No one said you were treated fairly, the advice was simply that you should be with your kids at all costs. If your divorce is just kicking off, you can lose your job and move back in with your wife. If you play it right, you won't have to pay her child support, she'll be paying you.

The consensus here is that your role as a father comes before your career, even if your wife lied and manipulated you into being away from the kids. I know this to be true from personal experience.

You are 100% correct that part of being a great dad is providing for your kids, but you can do that with a lower paying job outside your career if necessary close to your kids. The other, larger part of being a great dad is to be someone who your kids can look back to when they are adults and know that you loved, cared for, and mentored them. You can't do that from another state.

No judgements, just advice from those of us who have been there.

[hillbillymot]

My soon to be ex wife only makes $8000 a year with no benefits. Getting any kind of support from here seems pretty unlikely even if I am unemployed. And quitting a job doesn't lend itself to me getting unemployment. Ever know somebody who has uncontrolled type 2 diabetes. I did. It was my mother. I love my kids and I am asking for full physical custody. I don't expect to get it. On top of that the unemployment rate in San Joaquin County is over 17%. Add my age into it and most likely i will be unemployed till I am eligible for social security.

On top of that I have been told that even if I do move to California without a job, the judge will not look at that thinking I was looking out for the best interests of my kids. Most likely not only will I not have a job I will still lose any chance of custody. Without a job I will hard pressed to show the judge that I am capable of supporting my kids. I don't expect to be treated fairly. I also don't expect that the judge will leave me in a position where I will not be able to buy my medicine. Trust me, if I have to go on disability the first i will do is file to have both spousal and child support changed.

Maybe you think it is okay to be on government assistance when done with intent but I don't. Don't misunderstand me, I believe in the government safety net....but only when it is due to circumstances beyond one's control.

One last point, being a father is important to me. That's why I left California where I would have rather stayed than move to Arkansas. I expected my family to move with me. I needed to provide myself and my family with healthcare benefits. I read the list. No where on that list did it say not to seek work. If there is no work in California but there is in Arkansas than guess what.....you move to Arkansas. How you became a moderator is truly beyond me. And one more thing, I'm not trying to get out of paying child support. I was focused on spousal support. Why don't you offer me some advice on how to win custody of my kids. That would a good first step on your part.

[defaultuser]

No one said you should quit your job. I said lose your job.

How you became a moderator is truly beyond me.

Trev became a moderator because he has helped countless guys get custody.

Why don't you offer me some advice on how to win custody of my kids.

Check out this post. The OP was living far away from his kids and the moderator was giving him really excellent advice on how to win custody.
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=45040

Obviously you can't. It must be the diabetes or just your can't do attitude. I don't think this forum can help you out at all. For that to happen you have to actually consider the advice given here. Instead of saying, "I can't", you should say, "What if I did" and go from there.

If you stay in Arkansas and are successful in getting your kids moved there, I'll be a monkey's uncle, and you can be the moderator here. I feel sorry for your kids.

[Trevor]

1. A 15-year marriage means she is gonna get, in all likelihood, a significant number of years of alimony. Plus CS for the kids until they emancipate.

2. If you live in AR, she can agree to "liberal < parenting time >" all she wants, and you will be restricted by your budget how many times per annum you can see the kids. If you book flights a month out, surprisingly the tickets from LR AR to LA CA are under $250. How many flights per year, plus hotel and rental car, entertainment and food, are you prepared to make at your current salary and vacation schedule and medical expenses in order to exercise your parenting time? Apparently not for SIX YEARS. Still think your decision was a smart one? Sleep well, pal.

3. Your STBX works part time, meaning she has all the time in the world to "devote to the kids." Like it or not, that's a fairly compelling argument to the knuckleheads who will decide your custody, if you and your X (who has proven perfectly willing to screw you over) cannot agree to something yourselves.

4. Part of being a dad is supporting your kids, sure, but doing it two time zones away is a huge stretch. You are making the argument (whether you're aware of it or not) that writing monthly checks to your X is counterbalanced by a Skype call every couple days and a few annual visits out west. I'm saying you're not correct. Something tells me your kids would agree with me, not you.

5. Your kids are plenty old enough for your spouse to get off her butt and work. She is exempt from economic necessity, then?

6. I think the economics are not compelling enough to justify being numerous states away from the kids. Look for work close to the kids. Try to get your STBX to work. As others have said numerous times here, better to flip burgers in your kids' CA neighborhood than to own the burger joint in AR.

7. Yes I know someone with your type of diabetes. No personal experience with it but he briefed me what to do if I saw him at his desk unresponsive.

8. Sorry, but you should know there is no way you'll get full custody, unless your kids are willing to testify that they really want to move from CA to AR to live with you. Is that likely to happen? Perhaps, though the judge is not compelled to pay attention to their opinions on the matter, though they surely can.

9. Honestly, I'd rather take the chance that the judge would misunderstand my intentions behind working less in order to be with my kids, than sentencing myself to six years with no parenting time with the kids. But you have to prioritize your own life and time with your kids. Have at it.

10. You will not "lose any chance of custody" if you move to CA to be near the kids. That sounds incredibly dumb, frankly, like some justification for keeping the status quo instead of sucking it up and going back to where the kids live, so you can see their soccer matches and piano recitals or whatever they love to do. That's impossible from AR. Can you imagine them never, for their entire high school careers, seeing their Dad in the stands watching them bump, set, spike? I don't think you have considered them much in your written posts.

11. Your perspective is bassackward. You wrote "Without a job I will hard pressed to show the judge that I am capable of supporting my kids," but I push back to you with "Without proximity to the kids I will hard pressed to show the judge that I am capable of parenting my kids." Sorry, your argument sucks in comparison.

12. "Why don't you offer me some advice on how to win custody of my kids." That's precisely what I am trying to do, but your defenses are deafening you to what I am saying.

[capslock]

Move Back.


Kids would rather be poor and loved than rich and empty. Not only will your 6 year absence ruin them for 6 years, but it will ruin them for life. Suck it up and be one of the 83% of winners not one of the 17% of losers.