Near telling wife, my plan so far, tell me if im nuts

[fd1000]

Thank for reading this.

Im 41, she is 46. We knew and lived together for the last 10 years, finally got married 2.5 years ago. We have D4 and D5. No other marriages, or kids.

Facts:
- No criminal issues, no abuse, no illegal drugs, no cops called, all true for both of us.
- Neither of us drinks, smokes, gambles, drugs.
- No cheating by either of us.
- No epic fights.
- She does not know I want to divorce, but things have sucked for months, wouldn't surprise her (a little), there is no great love lost.

Finances:
- We own a house, its worth what we owe at bank, but we are up to date on payments.
- We have two cars, used, but nice, also up on payments. We have loans on both, we owe at the bank what they are worth now.
- No money saved, no IRAs, no stocks, no gold coins, nothing like that.
- We live paycheck to paycheck, keeping up on mortgage, car, car insurance, life insurance, electric, sewer, water, etc.
- Then there are the credit cards, they are in her name, about 35k, no cards in my name.

Twists:
- I am the only one on the mortgage, but we are both on the title.
- She is the only one on both cars.

Me
- Technical job, very stressful, leave at 7 in morning, back home at 5-6. Usually here for dinner, i help cook, listen to all the girls have to say, watch or do family stuff, off to bed, then mom and dad time... which for her is WoW (you knew that was coming), me just tv or computer work.
- I make just barely 6 figures... she makes nothing, stays at home 'cleaning' the house, and taking the kids to preschool and the park (great job, wish I had it).

Her
- Did work at cable company doing tech support, quit last summer, said it was too hard. Never looked for another job, decided to stay at home, do barely enough to get the household done, and then its off to 6 hours a day of WoW... she averages 2600 minutes of playtime a week.

Relationship
- She is happy to continue on, and why wouldnt she, we dont have 'relations' and more, for over a year. Free internet, top end gaming system, kids are at school three times a week, extended cable tv, tivo, all-wheel drive pacifica with new tires, and there is a subway right down the street, she eats there everyday, even thou we have plenty of food in the house.
- She hardly ever grocery shops, I do it 50% of the time.
- Im 41, have lost 100 lbs in the last 3 years, im at 265 lbs, 6'2, age 41
- In the last 7 years, she has gained over 130lbs, 5'10, she is at 266, age 46
- Doesnt care about herself at all.
- Hates pretty much everyone.
- Loves the kids, but gets on them a little too, that same kind of crap.
- Has hated my Mom, Dad, Brother, for 10+ years, basically because they are broke, and 10 years ago borrowed some money from me.

Kids
- I love my kids absolutely and totally, I tie their shoes, give them baths, read them stories, do projects with them, clip their nails, tuck them in at night, always I love you, see you in the morning. My kids are my life.
- I want 50/50 custody, that is fair. I guess who ever has primary custody, pays to the other party? So if I am primary, I pay her?
- If I have the house, and if/hope she ends up in an apartment, she has no credit, no money, no car she can pay for on her own, how will she take care of my kids when she has them?

Discuss
- We both agree we are just roommates at this point, she sleeps downstairs bedroom, im upstairs, been that way for years. We dont like the same things, she doesnt like my family, I want to excel in life, she apparently wants to exist doing as little as possible.

Actions/Questions
- Should I steer her toward getting a job (even before telling about divorce), and finally towards an apartment?
- Is it even possible for me to stay in my house? I can't afford mortgage, cars, and a place for her.

Trigger
- If you were in a tolerable marriage, but you knew it was wrong, maybe even kids involved, at what point did you finally say I cant take it, and pulled the trigger. How did you tell her, and how did she take it?
- My life is already barely livable, Im not excited about taking one step back, then two forward, when the one step back is off a cliff.

Last biggest questions: Can you guys predict at all, how you think this divorce will come out? Any red flags? Am I a fool?

Thanks.

Thanks in advance.

[Fatheroffour]

- I want 50/50 custody, that is fair. I guess who ever has primary custody, pays to the other party? So if I am primary, I pay her?

Family court isn't about 'fair' so you might as well get rid of the word. Maybe surprising but true. Also, with a SAHM, the odds are very good that she will get primary custodianship of the children, which will mean you pay her child support.

If I have the house, and if/hope she ends up in an apartment, she has no credit, no money, no car she can pay for on her own, how will she take care of my kids when she has them?

Her family, welfare, getting a job are all options. Also, 35% or so of your income will likely help her out as well.

Can you guys predict at all, how you think this divorce will come out? Any red flags? Am I a fool?

You didn't say what state you are in so assuming a state without a 50/50 presumption, If you file today, the most likely ending is she will get primary custody of the kids at the temporary hearing, you will be ordered to pay child support and possibly temporary maintenance until the could hears the final case. You may or may not be booted from the house and given the standard < parenting time > order of every other weekend until trial.

Temporary orders are usually made into permanent orders at trial and unless you have some good evidence of some heinous stuff being done by your wife to the kids not much is likely to change.

[lohe]

If you can hold out until the kids are in school full time I would do that.

Then I would take control of the finances and cut off the internet.
"Honey, we cannot afford to keep the internet unless you get a job. The kids are in school you really should get a job."

I'm kinda kidding here, but it will give her a HUGE motivation to get a job. That will level the playing field a LOT in court.

[Trevor]

Kidding, lohe? Not so fast.

Every household in the country has had to tighten the belt, and you should do the same in yours. Austerity measures may serve to get her fat crack into the workforce to pay her own way for some things. Start today. "Sorry, they are cutting back my hours and we need to adjust our budgets. You need to find work now. here are some listings from [insert your favorite online employment resource]. We're cutting back to basic cable this week, and no more internet. It hurts me too, but with zero savings, we are living on a knife edge if anything were to happen."

[anonymous guest]

Have you told her you are unhappy and that you think she should get a job and stop playing so much WoW?

[coscrewed]

You need to tell us your state so that the alimony issue can be addressed.

Yes, some states award alimony for a 2.5 year marriage. Also, many states will award temporary alimony during the divorce process, and also you would end up paying 100% of her attorney fees in many states. What this means is that your 2.5 year marriage is a 5 year marriage by the time the divorce is granted, and you will have paid 2.5 years of temporary alimony at that point, then the judge will probably hit you with another 2.5 years (half the length of the marriage.) Voila! You end up paying 5 years of alimony and $50-100K+ in attorney fees for a marriage that essentially lasted 2.5 years. Nice gig if you can get it.