New to the forum-posting for hubby- would love support *LONG

[Stepmommyof2]

I am a step-mom of 2 wonderful boys. Husbands divorce has been final for 7 years. They have 50/50 legal/physical. One week on/off. Brief recap of the divorce: Took 3 years, mainly because the first year BM was pregnant and claimed to to be DH's. (DH was not the father, nor has she ever admitted to who the father is, she got pregnant again during the divorce and the baby daddy of that child claimed he was the father of the first even though he took a paternity test and it was not his) The paternity issue took another 6 months or so. During all of this time BM kept skids from DH for extended periods of time. At first DH was only asking for the standard EOW but since his petition claimed he wasn't the father of her unborn child she contested it. After 2 yrs of her doing everything to keep the kids from DH he decided to fight for full custody. It ended up in a deal of 50/50.
The last 7 years have been somewhat uneventful other than the random craziness from his ex. Her and I started communicating about a year after the divorce. Since then her and I do most of the talking and figuring out kid stuff. (Just worked easier for all of us)
A month ago DH received a job offer that moved us a little less than 400 miles away. He knew this was coming and met with BM last July to let her know of this possibility. He kept trying to talk to her about this possible move and she never wanted to "deal" with it. He tried talking about how the custody would change, he told her the kids would stay with her during school, with him getting the long weekend each month and then during the summer she would get the first and last week and he would get the rest. She is refusing that offer because she does not want to give up her "whole" summer she said. Side note: When her and I were talking about the move right after we found out, we were talking about custody and when I told her DH planned on having the kids stay with her and he get < parenting time > she decided to tell me "well if we go to court I will fight for full custody because the skids have been telling me for awhile that they are tired of going to your house every other week, and would rather do every other weekend." Yes, this is our BM.
The state we came from (MO) requires a 60 day notice of a move unless its exigent circumstances, which DH feels his is since they only gave us 2 weeks to move. This is why he talked to her back last July because he knew if it happened it would happen fast. As soon as DH found out he was taking the job he went straight to a lawyer and filed for a modification. (He wanted to work it out between her and him but she wouldn't talk about it) The lawyer said he should file for full custody and then offer her a "deal" with his orginial offer to her. So that is what he did. He filed about a week before we left and as of today there is only 4 more days for her to be served.
This weekend he was served with an Objection of Relocation by his ex. He said his lawyer expected this since he wasn't able to give the 60 day notice but of course I still get nervous. We have three years worth of texts between her and I and her and DH showing how difficult she is in communicating. We are trying to figure out how we can use those in court, his lawyer said he could.
Last week before the skids came down for the weekend his youngest child called him and said he had practice on Friday (the day we were picking them up) and could he please go. DH felt that BM should have communicated to him about the practice not have the child do it. He had missed the original call from skid so the next day he talked to BM. (He didn't want to have this conversation with a 10 year old.) She once again had skid call so DH got that call and had to explain to his chid that he needed to come see him. Since we moved we have been picking skids up at their school in MO on Fridays for the weekends of DH's weeks. So he is only seeing them 4 days a month right now. He felt it was more important for skids to come see him than go to practice. (not a school league) Skid ended up not having practice that day anyways because it is outside soccer league and it rained all day.....
Other skid is in another league and BM failed to inform us of an upcoming tourney this weekend. Oh the only thing she did tell us about it was how much we owed for our 1/2. When DH txt her yesterday requesting the information she said she would mail it to him. So the tourney is Saturday and we might get the info by Thurs if she mails it. And she has known since early last week.
There is so much more that I can't sit here and type all day but the main thing is DH has decided to not offer a deal and just fight for full custody. His reasoning is because she can not co-parent. We have years of proof (via txt msg) that she is not good at it. And yrs of proof (via txt msg) that we are always willing to let her have additional time if she requests.
So any advice or support would be awesome. I feel the lawyer might be pushing DH just so he has this "dad" case that he is trying to win. I 100% agree with DH that our environment is more healthy for skids because she has a bad habit of trying to alienate the kids from DH and BM's mom just encourages it because she succesfully did it with her youngest son and his dad. (they don't even call him by his real name because it is his dad's name)

[BartSimpson]

Kind of standard run of the mill stuff, not really outrageous behavior if you have any experience with divorce.

Mom has a right to block the kids moving, and should fight any move tooth and nail. Around here we call it Round Two because it is usually the Mom who moves and turns it into another massive custody battle.

Any chance Dad will come here himself? I mean, it's Dads Divorce forum.

[Fatheroffour]

Honestly, I don't think he has any case at all for full custody.

He left them in her care because he was satisfied with her care. The kids are fine.

She doesn't want to play nice so now he wants full custody?

[madalex]

Her and I started communicating about a year after the divorce. Since then her and I do most of the talking and figuring out kid stuff. (Just worked easier for all of us)

There is so much more that I can't sit here and type all day but the main thing is DH has decided to not offer a deal and just fight for full custody. His reasoning is because she can not co-parent. We have years of proof (via txt msg) that she is not good at it. And yrs of proof (via txt msg) that we are always willing to let her have additional time if she requests.

Dad doesn't even communicate with the ex (because it was easier for you to do it), but he's going to allege that she can't co-parent? He moved 400 miles away with insufficient notice (as far as the court is concerned) and now he's going to try to get full custody? Good luck with that.

[Stepmommyof2]

DH wouldn't get on these kind of sites, I get on here for myself because I like to have support since I am a partner with DH. I have been on other sites and have gained great information in the past so this is why I am here.
DH left skids in BM's care because they are still in school and he didn't want to take them out with a month and half left. Overall, BM's love for her kids is not questioned. She does love skids and cares for them well, but does not support a relationship with their dad. There has been a past with all of this I just didn't lay it all out in my first post because it was already so long.
Her and I do communicate because DH is not able to be around his phone as much as I have always been able to. We strictly text unless it is at practices/games, etc. When it has come to very imporatant stuff DH has handled it. I guess what I meant is BM and I just took care of the small stuff. She takes what I say lighter than him, we can text her both the exact same thing and she will respond to me nice and civil, with DH she responds hateful and short.
It is hard to explain the dynamic so ppl understand. Everyone around us can see how it works and doesn't think weird about it. When it came time for the move and BM received the letter, she txt me first before DH about what we were going to do. I have kind of become a mediator between them in away because I don't always just jump on DH's side, I have always been open to both sides.
Of course I support my DH though. I sat with him during the divorce watching him cry because he never thought he would see his kids again. (He does not cry, these few times about his kids are the only times I have seen him) I watched him have to defend himself against his own family because BM had convinced them that her 3rd child was his when he knew that it wasn't. I watched him fight a TRO because BM lied about him stalking her and wanted the judge to grant her full custody with DH having limited supervised < parenting time >. (She lost, DH won because he had proof he couldn't have been there when she said) We went through (during divorce) her threatening kidnapping charges on him because he agreed to her plan for Christmas < parenting time > one year, but she decided during the middle of it she didn't want him to have that much time. She threatened kidnapping charges two weeks ago when we had skids as well.
A year ago BM separated from her husband and was living with her mom with all 5 of her kids. (2 bedroom house and her mom has a son living there as well) In this time she had one guy living with them for about three months. After that ended she started dating DH's brother. Yes, his brother. (I can't even explain) All in front of skids. She is now back with her husband.
But this is why I came here. I worry about DH fighting for full custody. Lawyer said that kids are young enough to make new friends, and that who is to say that DH's couldn't provide better for them? DH sees it as if skids were with us full time and BM wanted to randomally come down to get them or see them or whatever we would never say no. (of course as long as it didn't interfere with school, given) But we know that if BM has full custody and DH wanted to pick them up some random time, there is no way she would let him. This happened during the past 7 years, example, BM wanted skids on a weekend day (DH's time) to celebrate kids bday, court order time was that she have them on kids birthday, which was during the week. DH agreed to the switch because BM said we could have them on her Wed night so they could go to a church function with us. She got her time but when the day came for our day she said no. Just one example of what has happened and yes we know we didn't have to give her time and she didn't have to give us time but its that kind of environment that DH knows she doesn't work with. BM cussed me out during a baseball practice last summer with skids about 5 feet away from me.
Oh gosh there is so much I could go into. I know this is a "dads" site so if me being a female is against the rules, then i won't post here. But I have a dad that loves his kids and just wants the best for them, whatever that is. I try to gather info and opinions for him and he does appreciate my willingness to help him.

[Fatheroffour]

People understanding the dynamics or being able to make heads or tails out of all the background info isn't really necessary. What it boils down to is Change of Circumstance and why the new proposed custody schedule is in the best interest of the child.

If he can prove those, he has a rebuttable case.

[Stepmommyof2]

Yes and that is all what the lawyer said. It stressed me because I know that this is going to be a long fight and not a clean one. I just want support and advice. I had another site I went too during the divorce and I honestly don't think I would still be sane if it hadn't been for it.
If DH thought that BM would work with him on custody/< parenting time >, etc he wouldn't have a problem with her having full custody. She just doesn't communicate well in general. He was trying to talk to her about something this past week and she said she wasn't going to talk to him anymore because he turns into a bully. He just wanted to talk to her about involving the kids between the two of them. I am brutally honest to DH is he txts her something bad but I read his texts and he was very neutral with what he said.

[spritom]

It's great that you're doing research on it to help. I've said before and I'll say it again that I'm in awe of so many step-parents that are so giving and sacrifice and navigate so many unwritten boundaries to make things work.

DH wouldn't get on these kind of sites, I get on here for myself because I like to have support since I am a partner with DH.

a) I would suggest that he not set self-limits, especially those that can help with his children
b) It's a common theme that those dads that get on here in 1st person do much better in their cases than those that only get information via 3rd person. This is not a knock against you, far from it, it's just a common theme that we've seen from multiple viewpoints. Another successful path for dads that haven't been inclined to be online is sitting down with their wife/SO and reading through the forums together; maybe she types. Couples have said this was very healthy for the two of them too.
c) It's not a male-female thing. It's a human thing. 1st person interaction is just a different dynamic than 3rd person.
d) Disclaimer: I get no gain either way from the site or whether another member joins or not.

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Custody or Parenting Time?
You mentioned "full custody" several times, but are you really referring to parenting time such as primary parenting time or sometimes called custodial parenting time?

* Custody = parenting decisions on big things such as school, planned/invasive medical, and religion (kinda on that last one)
* Parenting Time = the schedule of where the kids stay at what times

If one parent moves to a different place, with today's technology, there's no reason the parent can't still be in on the joint custody decisions of planning education and medical. In order to get full custody, either side would typically have to show the other parent is a felon/druggie/harm-to-themself-or-others/etc. Since that's not the case here, either parent going for changing "custody" would have an uphill argument.

A month ago DH received a job offer that moved us a little less than 400 miles away.

This is the biggest thing I'm seeing in this whole thread.

Back to Parenting Time:
A parent can move wherever they want. But it's where the kids go is the key issue.
If dad is filing to have the kids have majority parenting time, the mom can very much object. Given that dad has already moved away, mom in this case will have the assumed location for the children and dad will have the uphill argument on it.

The parent that's out of town can often get the majority of the summer as well as the majority of the school holidays longer than ~4 days. Though it's nice to leave at least a couple weeks of summer for the custodial parent to plan some vacation stuff with the kids.

For your case, support your proposal to the court with documentation (remember..courts love the docs...hate people). Show that the plan for the past years has worked fine and that dad has been totally involved. The move wasn't anybody's first choice, but economic times are tough. Dad is still full involved on the custody/joint decision part.

Filter or documentation
You mentioned a multitude of other things such as the other parent's level of willingness to work together or negotiate or more. Yes...there's always volumes more that can't be typed out...very common. But to focus (and conserve) your and the dad's energy, I might suggest:
* identify those actions/situations with the other parent that are documented
* those things that aren't documented, let them go as those things will sap your energy and bring tangents that blur your case. A presentation to the court has to be SSS...Stupid-simple-straightforward message.
* last, identify those things that, while a frustration, are not anything a court will care about. For example, the other parent has the right not to negotiate if they don't want to. Painful/expensive...yes. But I say move it out of your attention span as keeping it in your view is sapping your energy.

Hang in there!
And hopefully make a date with hubby to read along with us on here.

[Stepmommyof2]

spritom- thanks. tons of useful info to think about.

Full custody- what i meant was physical. I think they both will still agree to joint legal.

I actually have documentation on most everything. I am kind of a amatuer detective/spy/snoop! lol- and BM is pretty open to me when we txt. I have been able to get her to admit most everything via txt msg.

I 100% see this as a uphill battle. I understand that DH has a lot to prove on his side. Luckily we do have documentation of most everything. (him discussing the move with her last July, him trying to work out what < parenting time > would be, etc....)

A question I meant to ask in my first post:

DH filed for the Mod first but he got served with her Objection first. Does this matter? Will it affect his filing? We were curious to why she hadn't been served yet but now think she might have been avoiding until he got served. But we didn't know if that would even matter in this case.