Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Advice on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation advice for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Not_me » Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:02 pm

I am brand new here, and very sad to find that my marriage has brought me to this point. My wife and I have been together for over 22 years. Sparing all the details, I have become a statistic. You have read my story a thousand times.

Now, I am left with nothing but sadness. We are separated until she "finds herself" and "heals". I have no hope that this delayed status will end with anything other than divorce.

I am pleased that I'm doing the right things (50/50 custody during the separation, I'm in the house, she's out, all her money still comes to a common account...etc, etc) but none of it eases the pain.

I have found that writing (something I've hated) is exceptionally helpful.

In the end, I'm glad to find a group of men who "get it". Thank you for giving me the sense that someone is reading my post, feeling my pain and that I'm not alone.
Not_me
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:43 pm

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby defaultuser » Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:04 pm

Sounds kinda weird, but the best chance you have in saving your marriage is probably taking a hard line with her and filing for divorce. Stop being a doormat and start standing up for yourself, someone she can respect...
The List
Read it.
defaultuser
Moderator
 
Posts: 9279
Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:40 pm

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Fatheroffour » Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:05 pm

You are not alone.

Welcome to the club. Not that any of us wanted to be here but it's still an awesome club.
Everyone lies.
User avatar
Fatheroffour
Moderator
 
Posts: 25757
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:37 am
Location: Top of the world

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Oneforthree » Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:16 pm

You are not alone..ever. Your situation may be unique, but so familiar to many here.

Read..vent..learn..contribute..and help others. We'll see you through, as you will others.

Welcome.
Oneforthree
100+ Posts
 
Posts: 106
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:28 am

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Trevor » Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:26 pm

1. You are left with a lot more than sadness. You have the house and 50/50. Many of us spent everything we had, and borrowed more, to get a lot less than what you have been handed.

2. She is "finding herself," in all likelihood, without clothes on and with a man other than you, doing things she probably never tried with you. Is this part of the set of acceptable options you call "anything other than divorce"?

3. Have you read the List yet?

4. Have you locked down her access to your finances yet? Mitigated your exposure to financial risk/ruin at her hand?

5. Yes we feel the pain. But that pain includes us wondering whether you have the presence of mind to set aside the pity party and take steps to secure things going forward. Like an inventory of the household property. Like securing your personal financial records and copying hers. Securing family heirlooms and photographs.

6. Are you documenting carefully your parenting time?
Dual Parenting, not Duel Parenting.
Trevor
Moderator
 
Posts: 16878
Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 8:55 pm

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Not_me » Mon Apr 09, 2012 7:05 pm

Thank you everyone...for all, including the cautions. I am finding it hard to feel fortunate about the death of a marriage. Fwiw, I have a unique perspective...although this is my first separation, I have been through this with others hundreds of times...because of what I do for a living.

My job hasn't prepared me for the loss....it has prepared me to do the legal part fairly easily.

For me, it's the sadness. No pity party, just mourning a death.
Not_me
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:43 pm

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby defaultuser » Mon Apr 09, 2012 7:10 pm

It takes time, but it will pass. Focus on the kids and improving your relationship with them. Its good for coping.
The List
Read it.
defaultuser
Moderator
 
Posts: 9279
Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:40 pm

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Fatheroffour » Mon Apr 09, 2012 7:32 pm

I have been through this with others hundreds of times...because of what I do for a living.



You're a divorce attorney?!
Everyone lies.
User avatar
Fatheroffour
Moderator
 
Posts: 25757
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:37 am
Location: Top of the world

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby mambodave » Mon Apr 09, 2012 7:51 pm

Take a few days and chill, clear your head. The worst will pass very soon. For me, I locked myself in my office and did a lot of mindless accounting. Keep busy, volunteer somewhere. Inventory what you have, sell off stuff for cash that you can on craigslist and stash the cash somewhere safe. Focus on self preservation and the kids.

Read the list. Whether or not you have experience with this through your profession, emotions will f up everything. Focus on the kids and being the best dad you can, and document the sh*t out of that.

Congrats on what i think is a win so far, but don't let your guard down for a minute. Compartmentalize this and now its a business transaction. Just because you got most of what you wanted doesn't mean it wont change later. Sounds like you have time and resources to prepare so take FULL advantage of that man,
mambodave
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:25 pm

Re: Unfortunate new member...but pleased to find this forum.

Postby Not_me » Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:59 am

Fatheroffour wrote:
I have been through this with others hundreds of times...because of what I do for a living.



You're a divorce attorney?!


No, but I work closely with the family law court. I'm hesitant to make broad proclamations because a divorce attorney actually investigated me at one point prior to stipulating to me as an expert witness in a semi-related field.

I know the drill...and I am actually trying hard not to be "militant" in this process. I want to maintain my integrity and character while not becoming a doormat.

I was not built for divorce; I suppose none of us were. We went through this years ago and "kind of" recovered. Now I know we didn't. That's why it's not the court that scares me; its the sense of loss and failure. Thus my profile name "Not_me". Arrogance or ignorance; not sure which one. Maybe "naive" is more appropriate.

Ever notice how the separation leaves you feeling so often very empty inside? My life is full of support but I have the "water, water everywhere, not a drop to drink" syndrome.

I have friends continuously availing themselves, but my heart is not filled by friendship. Anyone ever feel that? I hope that there is good news that the feeling goes away or at least gets better.
Not_me
10+ Posts
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 12:43 pm

Next

Return to Before and During Divorce Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests