Divorcing in Illinois, just getting started...

[intothewind]

My wife of 20 years has come to the decision she wants to divorce. She has been carrying on an online relationship for a year with another man and wants to move in with him, out-of state.

Our marriage has been in decline for a couple years, even though we remain amicable, friends. I agree, its time.

What can I expect in terms of alimony? She doesn't work, hasn't in years. I've busted my tail day in and out and pay all the household bills.

Now I'm not willing to pay her much in alimony monthly, all she ever did around here is spend spend spend. Since she'll be in cohabitation with her new boyfriend, I don't think I should have to pay her (them) more than 3-4 hundred bucks a month. I've already agreed to cover her debt consolidation plan until its paid off. I want a time cap of a year.

Neither one of us has contacted an attorney yet, just hashing out our thoughts on any agreement before we move forward.

We have no kids (all adults). Little money in the bank and a house worthless equity-wise which I plan to remain in until I can fix it up and sell it.

[TXex's]

It sounds like you are in as good of a place in all of this as you could be... If you can get everything agreed upon you can either draft everything yourself or one of you can take that agreement to a lawyer to draft it into an agreed document for you. This will save you significant legal fees and if she seeks a lawyer it is likely that you would be required to pay her fees anyway since she hasn't worked during the marriage.

In that spirit, what does she say she would like for alimony? Can the two of you agree upon an amount and duration?

[BartSimpson]

You should consider the Mr. Wonderful effect - she will be willing to settle for peanuts so as to enjoy her new life - however once she starts that new life she will change her mind on what is fair in a nano-second.

The divorce is inevitable, you say, but the chances of her working it out with the internet-guy are less than 5%. What looked good on a computer screen, rapidly becomes annoying in real life. Right now she has dreams of Mr. Wonderful paying the way - when that fails she is coming after you with a vengence.

As far as an amount for alimony, it's basic math - what are you worth and what is her half.

[intothewind]

She would like as much as possible, she has had a spending/debt addiction her entire adult life.

I have offered $400/month for 1 year. She wanted more, but I have offered to continue to pay her debt repayment program until her credit cards are paid off. Also cover her health insurance until she gets a job and her own. I offered to clean up a bunch of other outstanding debts she's incurred not in her debt management program.

I'm pretty naive to the whole process. My fear is a judge would require me to pay her $1000+ monthy for liife or something like that. I have to be able to support myself! I only make about $75K year, have little in terms of savings.

Since she is planning on moving in with her boyfriend (some guy she met on Facebook and never met in person), I think I should not have to pay her anything, or little.

It kills me I worked all my life, dealt with her debting problem, now she finds some guy online and wants to ditch me and I'll continue to have to carry the her financial burden.

[TXex's]

Perhaps try throwing in a larger amount capped at 1 year... As others have mentioned, now is the time to get it resolved while she is still living in a fantasy world.

[BartSimpson]

Off the top, you should absolutely avoid any future entanglements - don't offer on-going health insurance until she gets a job (hint: she is not getting a job, or she would have one), payments on her behalf to the debt consolidation, lalala. Any deal you make should cut the rope. Tear the sheets in half and go your own way.

You don't get something that is very important - debt service means nothing to her, that's why she is spending so much. Paying her debt means nothing as she will promptly go out and get more debt. She does not envision a debt-free life of critical mass.

Offer the sum of her debt payments and your $400, maybe the cost of health insurance thrown in paid to her as alimony (tax-deductable). What she does with her money is not your concern after the divorce.

[intothewind]

Two other sticking points in hers and my discussions:

She wants to keep her car. I'm still making payments on it. The loan is not upside down, but if we sold it, the net proceeds split between the two of us would not buy either one of us much of car. She has no income, so I don't see how she could refinance it and with her credit as it is...

Then there is the house. Its has very little, if any equity. It would need fresh paint, carpet to put in on the market. If we dump it 'as-is' the sale will result in next to nothing. Can we finalize the divorce and deal with the house later? I would split whatever proceeds with her down the road when I can sell it.

My goal is to make a straight-forward, amicable break and not go into the poor house in legal fees or end up paying big bucks in alimony for the rest of my life.

[BartSimpson]

Spreadsheet time, dude.

Car value
House value
Anything else of value

Her debt
Your debt
Any other debt

It's all math.

Frankly, don't tell me slapping some paint around, and kicking some cheap carpet into your house, is going to make any significant difference in its value. Do the research, discover the art of Staging for selling a house, and use the Mr. Wonderful effect.

[Thermite]

My wife of 20 years... all she ever did around here is spend spend spend. ...she has had a spending/debt addiction her entire adult life. I only make about $75K year...

I can relate on the spendthrift wife. In a year and a half, my ex racked up about as much credit card debt as I made in a year (in addition to blowing every dime I actually brought home). So I'm just morbidly curious- if your wife is as bad as mine was, by now your wife should have over 1 million dollars on the credit cards. (i.e., adding 75K to the debt every year and a half, over the past 20 years.) How close am I?

You don't get something that is very important - debt service means nothing to her, that's why she is spending so much. Paying her debt means nothing as she will promptly go out and get more debt. She does not envision a debt-free life of critical mass.

Offer the sum of her debt payments and your $400, maybe the cost of health insurance thrown in paid to her as alimony (tax-deductable). What she does with her money is not your concern after the divorce.

I give a big +1 to Bart here, based on my own experience. To rephrase things, your wife has no real intention of paying off the debts anyway- the idea of debt is just imaginary, so telling her you'll take care of those payments means absolutely nothing to her. It's like she is supposed to be getting an imaginary benefit, but it doesn't even seem real to her. She needs money coming in to satisfy her addiction to spend. This is what will get her attention. So, instead of paying for her debts and insurance, offer her the same amount in cash so she can pay them herself (even though she'll just end up blowing it). I think this will eventually get you further along towards an agreement.

Note of caution there, though. If she starts getting vindictive, you might consider a different strategy. Make some initial offers, but then finally offer the above, and make it look like you hate the idea. She might take it just to think she's getting one over on you.

Also, you should know that case law in Illinois says all debts and assets are still marital and subject to division until the day the judge signs your final divorce decree. If it takes 18 months to get to trial, any debts she racks up in the meantime could still be half yours. This is another point in favor of settling quickly.

[Trevor]

She wants to keep her car...She has no income.

I am quite curious on how she thinks this works. [Rhet.] This is the perfect place for you to mention getting a job. I agree completely that you sever all financial ties possible.