Custody of Newborn

[lostinFL]

I had start a new thread, the other thread was getting way to long...

I will be seeing a lawyer on Thursday. I need advice from people who have dealt with newborn, baby, or very young children custody especially in Florida.


I live in Central Florida, never married to the mother, relationship is acrimonious at best. The child is almost 2 months old, and I have yet to see I him (my choice and yes I know that was stupid). The mother seems to be open about me looking at his medical so that's good, and I know what classes I should sign up for child cpr, baby care etc...

What should I do first, arrange a visit with him or see the lawyer?

How soon are cases like this decided? I highly doubt she is just going to hand him over 50% of the time. I'm going to have to pry him out of her hands, probably with a court order so it is going to be expensive. Her parents will be paying the bills for her, so I will be at another disadvantage.

How can I overcome the mommy and baby bias? I am pretty sure she is going to limit the visits with the excuse that she is breastfeeding. How can I get overnights as soon as possible, so that I can show the courts I can care for him from morning til night?

Should I start contributing money for medical or diapers? Should I just buy the stuff or give her the money?

Any other hints or tips and even slaps in the face are appreciated. Things were looking pretty bleak for me and I know I seemed like a stubburn a-hole to many if not most of you. Geting excited now that I feel like might still have a little control over my future.

One handicap I know I have to overcome and fast is the blinding rage I feel towards the mother, but gotta think of the baby, think of the baby, think of the baby...

[BartSimpson]

Hello again, glad to see your new thread.

What are the current arrangements offered to see your son? At a mutual friends house, her parents house, or some third neutral location?

Remember I suggested you talk to someone about those feelings of rage, and the subset feelings about control; would you consider seeing a counselor to hash out the reality of your circumstances and coping mechanisms? Some of it is normal, and some of it is interfering with your functioning - a counselor could help you sort out what is normal and what is not.

[lostinFL]

Hello again, glad to see your new thread.

What are the current arrangements offered to see your son? At a mutual friends house, her parents house, or some third neutral location?

Remember I suggested you talk to someone about those feelings of rage, and the subset feelings about control; would you consider seeing a counselor to hash out the reality of your circumstances and coping mechanisms? Some of it is normal, and some of it is interfering with your functioning - a counselor could help you sort out what is normal and what is not.

Right now she is offering me 2 hours at a time 4 times a week. The meeting place will be at a family friends house with her grandmother as a supervisor, but she did mention in a text she can have the grandmother wait in another room so I can have alone time with the baby. Since she know's how I feel about her, she has offered to be absent but that is why the visits will be short. The baby is feeding every 2 to 2 1/2 hours, so she has to feed him before I arrive and right after I leave. 8 hours a week is not that much time, should I push for more?

I have thought about counseling but in my family that will seem like a sign of weekness. It's hard to get past that I am not perfect anymore in my family's eyes especially since I got an almost stranger pregnant.

[BartSimpson]

Sounds reasonable for a week or two - the first visit should include your family or a friend as a witness, can you work that in? Someone who can chat up Grandma, and watch your back. Someone who can tell you it's time to go, and you will go. Heck, maybe your new lawyer will do you a solid and go with you (not introduced as your lawyer, of course), as a wingman in case you get ambushed.

Now . . . about your family. I asked you a very pointed question about your Dad in the other thread, and you said everything was cool. Really? Frankly I have a real hard time believing this - your son is their Grandchild, too, and few grandparents just blow that off. I would have expected your Dad to be all over your butt about this - you know - bad enough that their grandchild is a bastard, but to have this stand-off over not seeing the kid? And your Mom, obviously she's not seeing her grandson, either? What is going on with your family that appearances and weakness are so important? If you were my kid, I would frog-march you by your big ears to that kid of yours and we both would meet him.

See that counselor, in private and don't tell anyone, and talk about your own family, too. This cycle is going to stop with you, and your son is going to have a good Dad.

[stb_divorced]

8 hours a week is more than some dads get. You have to start somewhere so why don't you look at it as an opportunity to be in your child's life and learn some parenting skills?

It's time to start being super-dad and document your progress so you can fight for more custody later on. You're never going to overcome the mommy bias with a newborn...

[Trevor]

All you are doing is wasting your time and ours by awfulizing and spinning your wheels and getting not-a-fkg-thing done to actually see your kid. There is NO decision as to which one you should do first, do them both. You have been told 101 times exactly what to do.

STFU and go see your kid today. Call a lawyer and get an appointment today. It's not that hard, all you have to do is get off your @ss and GO.

We're not gonna sit here while you chase your own tail. You want people to help you? Take a step in the right direction so people might think you are serious. Don't post until you have held your child in your arms. You can accomplish that much by lunchtime today, if your really care about your kid.

[Fatheroffour]

What should I do first, arrange a visit with him or see the lawyer?

Kids first. That's your new mantra.

How soon are cases like this decided?

It's not unusual for a case to take 18 months or more to get in front of a judge for a final hearing. However, what you need to realise is this 'case' is never decided permanently and will be ongoing until the child reaches emancipation. That doesn't mean you will necessarily be in court the entire time but it does mean that once begun the court will retain jurisdiction the entire time. Custody cases are never decided with finality. This is actually a good thing because that means there is always a chance for stubborn dads that will not be shut out of their kids lives.

How can I overcome the mommy and baby bias?

Not unlike how many others overcome biases of all types. Do your thing and do it well. That doesn't mean the bias will go away and I think you can make some pretty direct comparisons between the discrimination suffered by blacks and gays and those of dads. However, the discrimination suffered by dads is more ingrained and institutionalized.

How can I get overnights as soon as possible, so that I can show the courts I can care for him from morning til night?

The sooner you begin the better. Personally, I think you are better off seeing your child at every opportunity available while you build your track record of involvement before you start filing for hearings and sending legal scuds that are sure to create conflict. It's is obvious from your own retelling of the events that the mother is willing to work with you and is looking to you for involvement. That is a good thing, regardless of how you feel about her.

Should I start contributing money for medical or diapers? Should I just buy the stuff or give her the money?

By all means, buy your baby stuff. Be involved by more than just cash. Ask mom what kind of diapers she's been using then go buy a bunch. Buy rattles, squeeky toys, cute little outfits that day "Daddy's boy" on the front, a little rocker swing, pacifiers and whatever else you think your baby boy needs. That's what dads do.

Things were looking pretty bleak for me and I know I seemed like a stubburn a-hole to many if not most of you. Geting excited now that I feel like might still have a little control over my future.

AWESOME!

[CCR]

Get parenting time with the child now.
Get it officially via the courts through a lawyer and the proper legal procedure.

If you are looking at getting custody, that's already been established. You've never seen the child. Right now you have none. You are not going to get custody.

It appears to me that mom is trying to work with you. The key to getting more than the "standard time" with the child is going to be by negotiating with mom....which means that 50/50 may be possible, but not via the courts. It will have to be with your ex's blessing. How will you do that? Be a superdad to the child and show mom that you are want to work with her to do what's best for the child.

And since she is offering 4 times a week and has taken the time to set up reasonable accommodations, I believe she has the child's best interest's at heart.

Until you can make it "we" when it comes to raising the child rather than "me" you will not be at all successful. You will only waste thousands of dollars and widen that division.

[chereeda]

the first visit should include your family or a friend as a witness, can you work that in? Someone who can chat up Grandma, and watch your back. Someone who can tell you it's time to go, and you will go.

Just make sure it's not an unrelated female who could be misconstrued as a girlfriend. If your son is already 2 months old, then make sure any clothes you buy are at least 3 to 6 month size, otherwise he'll outgrow what you get too quickly. Make sure you have the tools to take pictures of your boy, be uber-polite to Grandma, maybe bring her a Starbucks, ask her opinion about baby things, say nothing even close to negative about the mom.

If you don't have much experience with babies, T. Berry Brazelton has some good books. Good luck, and congratulations, Dad!

donna

[lostinFL]

Have an appointment with the Lawyer on Thursday and my first visit with my Son on Saturday!

Hitting up Babies R Us tomorrow...