Lessons Learned - Before and During

Advice on divorce for men considering or starting the divorce process. Get marriage separation advice for men in this divorce forum and child custody forum.

Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby FORmyBOY » Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:53 pm

This post is an index for special lessons learned posts written by dads who have fought the fight, and want to share what worked, what didn't, and helpful advice for those still in the trenches.

If you want to write a lessons learned post and have it included, just post in before and after and send a PM to one of the Mods, and they will include it in this index. If you have already posted one, or you recall a certain post that fits this purpose, send a PM to a Mod with the link so we can include it.


Lessons Learned Posts


Step by Step plan for Custody
http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=31336

Building Your Case: Pursuing Every Detail
http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=30638

The Value of Settlement Conferences
https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=30095

Perseverance and the Right Focus Pays
http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=30806

Graduation Thesis
https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=29367

If I knew then what I know now
https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=29380
https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=30297

The List saved this Dad!
https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=29758

The List:
https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby FORmyBOY » Mon Jan 05, 2009 12:57 pm

All - I have unlocked this topic, so that others who want to add a post that references another topic they found valuable, they can do so.
Please limit the posts to just a link, and a very brief summary of what the topic is about.

Again, these should be focused Lessons Learned, real experience with real results.

We will edit these to keep them organized, so be forewarned.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby Bullitt007 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:22 pm

What happened to my initial post in the Lesson's Learned? I see the responses are there, but my first post is gone. :?:


Lessons Learned Posts

Step by Step plan for Custody
viewtopic.php?f=5&t=31336
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby alexplantman » Thu Jan 06, 2011 10:48 pm

He who has the best attorney wins :twisted:
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby Fatheroffour » Fri Jan 07, 2011 6:58 am

Lesson 1. Your attorney should be used to present your case not build it for you. Building a successul custody case usually starts long before filing for divorce by being an active and involved parent.
Everyone lies.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby stopthereavers » Sat Mar 17, 2012 11:56 pm

I am still going through a very messy divorce. The best advice I was given, early on, was to disarm my stbx and her craziness (taking our child, TRO, removing all items from our house, etc.) by treating her as though I was courting her in the beginning of our relationship. Let your lawyer fight for you, let the judge hate your atty, but dont do anything to make the judge dislike you. Be overly nice to your stbx. This is a long psychological battle for your right to be a father to your children and have 50% custody.

Second bit of advice I was given: accept that 50% is generally the best you can hope for. Only extreme cases lead to mom not having 50%. These cases are not only extreme, but stbx must be caught in the act of whatever she was doing. This is not justice, but it is how it is.

Third bit of advice, my own experience: Find a good therapist. Start seeing him before your divorce. Get referrals to couples counselors. Ask what you can do to save your marriage / help your wife and family. Know that your medical records can be subpoenaed, and make sure what your therapist records cannot be used against you.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby stopthereavers » Fri Mar 30, 2012 11:52 pm

Get a googlevoice account. It is free and will track all your incoming, outgoing, and missed calls, allows you to screen / record calls and archives all calls, voicemails, and text messages automatically so you can easily access them. Get it and learn how to use it.

If you must call your STBX use a free program like slydial.com to avoid having to talk to her and be connected directly to her vm.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby Fatheroffour » Sun Jul 08, 2012 9:00 pm

I looked at the site and it looks to be handing out some very shaky advice, bordering on down right negligent. Particularly in regard to moving out and representing yourself.
Everyone lies.
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Re: Lessons Learned - Before and During

Postby hoosier_dad » Sun Jul 08, 2012 9:14 pm

The moving out advice is clueless, but then again it's based on his statistical sample of one guy that got thrown out on domestic battery charges. So rather than advise readers to protect themselves with an audio recorder, journaling, witnesses etc he advocates for the biggest mistake a Dad can make in divorce. If your ex is verbally abusive move out immediately, but make sure to explain to your children why you get to leave an abusive STBX but you are leaving the children in that parent's care LOL.


I love the irony of the single blog entry:

Why do men always get the sharp end? 06/15/2012
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So I got my final decree through......OMG !!! the judge just about dismissed everything my laywer put forward, although the performance by my attorney is a whole nother topic !! are these people crazy when they come to these decisions, there is absolutely no correlation between what he has awarded and my ability to pay. For one thing you have the actual child support amount which in my case was bad enough. But, then you end up with all the attorney bills, how the heck do they expect you to pay !!


I have a feeling there will be quite a few more blog posts with similar results based on this guy's advice.
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