Having a hard time playing cool

[Enough]

Guys, how do you do it? Divorce yourself from the situation while trying to document? The house is a reck. NJ is full time stay at home mom. Kids are in school all day. I am working from home on a very stressful report and she lays on the couch for 8 hours during the day watching TV. Then she tells me when I am not home she doesn't do that. Sorry for the venting. I am having a hard time. I don't want a dv but can't live like this either. The lying is just unacceptable.

[Fatheroffour]

Is it normal for you to complain about things you cannot change? To nag someone that doesn't want to hear it? To try to get others to bend to your will?

Radio Silence is your friend.

[Chris A]

I felt best when I had a well laid out plan and a vision of how I wanted my future to be. Part of your plan could be turning around NJ or part could just just be you and the kids livening alone. The plan and vision is the key though because without those you will feel miserable and unsure.

[jumbledone]

My house was a wreck - for the length of the marriage, her turf was cleaning, I had other duties within and outside the house structure that evened the workload out.

Since before she filed, the house had not been cleaned. I am not a clean freak, and really am not good with cleaning clutter. But I had had it, as we were about a week away from the Hoarders crew showing up. On a weekend when STBX was out, I invited some family members who knew what was going on over to the house. I took some massive hits to pride (and still getting pinged to this day), but for a day straight they de-cluttered while I ran the stuff out to the garbage/garage, then focused on the detail cleaning. At least the clutter/crap was not mine. Her room was a mess after we offloaded all of her stuff into it.

It is not totally clean, but it is livable now, and I can continue to cook, etc. Now that I had help with decluttering, I work on the cleaning, and make sure it doesn't get cluttered. She might help once in a while, but I never ask her to. I still do the other things inside and outside the house. She has less to do.

I also have found the time to spend more time (if that was even possible) with the kids. Pick them up from school, schedule Dr appts, stay home with them when they are sick. I don't rely on her for much, if anything. That's how I stay cool.

Don't worry about your perception of how lazy she is get to you. If it is bothering you, do something about it - and I mean the environment, not the person.

[Enough]

Thanks guys. You are correct. It appears I am trying to save a marriage and document its demise at the same time. I need to go all in on one or the other. I was going forward with planning but hoping it doesn't happen. Can't have it both ways.

Deep breath. If she is happy laying on the couch for 8 hours, more power to her. Not my concern anymore.

[Trevor]

"Because times are tight, I cancelled the cable/satellite TV service. Sorry."

[nbdad]

"Because times are tight, I cancelled the cable/satellite TV service. Sorry."

...and the Internet...and the long distance....oh you don't like the food I bought...Hmmmm that sucks.....

[minuette]

"Because times are tight and the house was a mess, I cancelled the cable/satellite TV service and hired a cleaning service to come in weekly. Sorry."

FTFY

[lohe]

Wait till the kids are home and start cleaning up.

Ask her, in front of the kids, if she can please help you. Either way, do NOT start an argument about it. The kids will notice if she does not help. That should be enough for you to at least get a little satisfaction. Keep doing it every few days.

But yes, I think it's about time to cut expenses a little bit.

[Trevor]

Ask her, in front of the kids, if she can please help us.

FTFY.