Work at Home Dad: Custody?

[defaultuser]

I too work from home.

In my current custody litigation, her attorney complained that it isn't fair that I'm always available to care for the kids because I work from home. Fair to who? The X or the kids?

The court places zero consideration about accommodating a parent. Best interest of the children is the key here.

When you present evidence and bring in witnesses that say you are the one who is taking care of your kids, the court will have no choice but to give you primary. Don't back down.

[Anything4Her]

I handle all of this. Literally have a mountain of emails with the school and have taken my son (without mom) to every MD appointment...she has never met his psychiatrist, even though I have been there at least 3 dozen times.

I've never seen anyone with such a good case for custody. It is your decision, but in your place I would go for full and primary. If your stbx has never handled your son alone for any length of time, the obvious correct place for him is with you.

-A4H

[mrtscott]

In my current custody litigation, her attorney complained that it isn't fair that I'm always available to care for the kids because I work from home. Fair to who? The X or the kids?

I find this statement amusing, since it is such a weak argument. It is understandable that an attorney would be disturbed by any circumstances unfavorable to their client. My deeper concern is for a judge also lamenting how unfair the situation is to your wife and the deep predicament he faces in applying the law to these facts. It really isnt just a matter of mothers with entitlement issues. Our culture, from men and women, lawyers and judges, law guardians, forensic psychologists, all preprogrammed to favor a particular outcome. Most decisions are derived inductively; start with a custody determination and see if there is sufficient reason to buck conventional wisdom about the best interests of children.

How is your case going? does it appear the work at home dad argument is working? the stay at home mother argument has always been persuassive; it should be very effective for us !?

[defaultuser]

How is your case going? does it appear the work at home dad argument is working? the stay at home mother argument has always been persuassive; it should be very effective for us !?

Its not the cornerstone of my case. I'm super involved with my kids education. I probably put in 100 hours of volunteer time at the school this year. I'm a PTA board member.

Tomorrow I'm going into D10's class to help out with an experiment about groundwater contamination, for example.

The NJ, on the other hand does absolutely nothing with school and the kids are unsuccessful with education in her care and I can prove it.

I've taken a slow and steady approach and have used contempt of court to help seal my evidence of her lacking as a decent mother. The judge will hear the second motion for contempt before the modification.

Honestly, besides the contempt thing, I'm not sure how things will turn out. I've asked for the majority of the time (I have 50/50 now) but we'll see how the judge views the situation.

Working from home is not the reason I'm involved, it was just another choice I made so that I could be there for my kids. Its a piece of evidence, but really, a minor one in my opinion. If you want custody, you should get involved with your kids. Making career and other life choices that support those efforts, like moving closer to the kids, working from home, or not getting too involved with other women will set you up to spend the time necessary to prove you should be primary...

[BartSimpson]

Its a matter of thinking you can, or you can't; either way you will be correct.

You keep going around in tight little circles, telling us "but, but, but the system is so bias for Mommy" so as to avoid responsibility and to pre-excuse your efforts. Many are here to tell you that with an appropriate strategy, and a proper mindset, you can be successful in the long haul unless you fall on your sword.

The tide is turning, and the last 10 years are significantly different for a Dad than 20 years ago, and even moreso from 30 years ago. I have faith, supported by the members here, that men fix problems when they see them - and men have identified that there is a problem with divorce and custody that need's a fixin. Men talk quietly among themselves, now. We meet in forums and blogs - without the womenfolk and their influence - and we engage in a course that will correct the problem.

Join us. Take the risk that there is bias, and that it can be overcome.

[Bubba Seal]

To the OP.

You are stay at home.

You tend to your kids needs.

You take them to school.

You take them to the Dr.

You say you have all of this documented beyond a shadow of the doubt.

I dont see what you have to lose here. As I said it looks like one of the best cases I can remember on here. Is there some smoking gun to all of this. Have you cheated? Have you beat the kids? What would she have on you to take the kids from you, from what youve said you are the mom to these kids. Does it not matter to you that you will be giving them up? Im not trying to be mean with what I said, but whats out there that can negate your place in these kids lives?

I dont think she would offer you anymore than she really felt like she would win anyway, women tend to be that way. My case i fought back from mine offering 80/20, of course she wanted me to get 20, I wound up with an even 50/50, with an agreement that if we ever had a problem we would return to mediation to resolve it. Only had to threat to do that once in 7 years. I have paid CS because of a difference in income.

If you have been totally honest with this board in all the things you have said to me its a no brainer to go forward with it and get primary, you are that right now from the way you present yourself, thats the biggest part of the battle to begin with.

The bad thing for me is that your only reasoning when you talk on here to go for primary is to save on CS, maybe I read that wrong, only you know that.

But people are giving you some really good advice, if all you say is true then you have a way better than usualy chance to get what you want, the only thing holding you back is pulling the trigger. If you decide to pull the trigger you will have to buckle down and see it thru. If you cant see this thru and are all wishy washy then you might not have the backbone to finish it, only you know that.

Have you retained a lawyer yet, you say you talked to your brother about it?

Good Luck

[Trevor]

from what youve said you are the mom to these kids.

Seriously, Bubba? Really? [Rhet.]

[mrtscott]

Does it not matter to you that you will be giving them up? ....The bad thing for me is that your only reasoning when you talk on here to go for primary is to save on CS, maybe I read that wrong, only you know that.

We may be on different planets here. My sons are everything to me...so much so that I have suffered in a miserable marriage for nearly a decade, programmed to believe the consequence for leaving would be losing my kids...dinner once per week and every other weekend. I am primary! Im not going for primary, it is a fact. I know it, my boys know it, my family knows it and perhaps my wife knows it at some level too. I know this in the depths of my soul. Without me, my sons would suffer and their needs would be mostly ignored by their overwrought, cold, disengaged mother. Yes, it bothers me more than I can ever express that our culture and legal system are so miserably biased against fathers. It angers me beyond words. That said, I have a lot to lose. For the first time in our 2.5 year journey, my wife is offering what is most important to me.....time with my kids to be totally involved, relevant, equal. 50/50!!!! That is exactly the outcome I want, whether I am legally primary or legally secondary.

Is there a difference between 50/50 primary parent and 50/50 secondary parent? NO! The only difference is $$$$$. I may be unique here, but money does matter to me. I am already the primary parent. I would like the law to be honorable, fair and just and recognize the best interests of my kids. Would I bet the farm on it happening?.... Now, I have not hired an attorney. However, I have interviewed several. All, except one, have counseled me to AVOID a custody fight at all costs. While all noted my obvious merits, none were thrilled about my prospects of winning primary custody. There are no hidden issues. I am a solid citizen and a great parent. I am not the mother. This is the crux of what attorneys are telling me.

[Fatheroffour]

You're looking for a guarantee. There are none.

You're scared . Understood.

However, in the future when you complain about the system, remember that you are the reason the system is the way it is.

I and the other dads that fight for custody are the reason it's changing.

Capere occasionem