Mountain or Mole Hill?

[minuette]

Schedule an appointment for yourself with a child psychologist or licensed therapist who has been an expert DEFENSE witness in child abuse cases. Just one hour, because you want to determine a few things before you go in guns blazing with Mr. Spooner.

First, you'll want to get some information about how to ask the right questions of your son, so that you are not unintentionally leading him into certain answers. (I say this because, in response to certain questions asked in jest by my husband, my 2.5 year-old son has indicated that he has been stabbed to death on numerous occasions by his 16-year old sister. We're thinking of renaming him Lazarus.)

Next, you'll want to learn what to look out for in terms of your sons behavior that would really indicate something both inappropriate and unwelcome is occurring.

You'll also want to get some recommendations about the next steps you should take in discussing this with the child's mother and pathways to escalation (if necessary).

[newwife]

jtwob,

I agree this is very strange behavior.
I am a step mom now, and even though her father and I are married, I would feel strange about getting into my stepdaughter's bed and kissing her goodnight.
Although I must admit, I got into bed with her one night and hugged her, just cause I knew it annoyed her and she was grumpy-but that's a different story.

I do think it's weird.

A)You could tell your ex it bothers you
She could 1) listen to you (yeah right)
2)have him do it more just to annoy you

B)You could have another talk with your child about inappropriate behavior with people other than family (mom and you only)

C)You could speak with a therapist about it.


I would pick B and C. I would see a therapist myself and see what their suggstions are.

[dad_76904]

It was hard for me to accept this as well....my nj got engaged 7days after our divorce.... wedding is in april...less than 6 months after divorce. It was hard to bear but he seems like an ok guy. Never ha an issue with him yet. My kids talk highly of him. But im always on guard when they talk about him....hes around the two most important things in my life so im very protective.

[defaultuser]

Some of the things described seem creepy. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do unless he either has a record for being a pedophile or has done something bad to your kid.

Waiting for someone to diddle your son isn't fun I'm sure. Have you done a background check?

How do you know he's spooning your kid?

[jtwob]

I did do a BG check but nothing serious other than a couple of DUIs almost 10 years ago. I know he's spooning my son b/c he tells me he gets in bed with him and turns out the light until he falls asleep. The guy seems like an "ok" dude but I think he's taking it way too far. NJ told me he wants to move a couple of hours away so they can be a "family" and he can be my son's dad. So, I don't think he would ever hurt my son physically but he's a schemer and who refuses to know his role which is an act of disrespect I have trouble tolerating.

[jumbledone]

Your last post makes me more worried (sorry...).

Wanting to move and separate you from your son, move NJ to a new area, separating her from her support, has warning signs written all over it. I'd drag his < hindquarters > (or your Ex's) into court to clarify what his role is. Protect your sanctity as dad, and help set healthy boundaries between son and NJ's NJBF (new acronym?).

Having been a mandated reporter in previous jobs, this is one I would turn into CPS. It's not just the cuddling, which seems to bother your son, otherwise why would he bring it up?, but also the move to separate NJ and son from existing support structures. If nothing else, it seems he might be controlling, which is one step away from physical abuse or worse.

[Fatheroffour]

The kid is 4. Get him to be still and be quiet and he'll go right to sleep.

You can fight with him for an hour to go to sleep or you can lay with him for 5 minutes and he's out.

Done it many times.

This isn't about abuse. Its about Bf not knowing his place. Its a dick measuring contest.

[defaultuser]

It seems to me that what is really bothering you is that your X is actively trying to push you out of your kid's life and this guy is aiding her.

From his end, he's probably just being decent to your kid who does need a father figure around and taking on the things you should be doing. I think being upset about the whole thing is a perfectly natural and reasonable reaction.

So, I'd recommend ignoring what you have no power over, and maximize the amount of time spent with your son. If that means taking days off work and picking him up from daycare or whatever, do it.

My philosophy is that anyone that shows love for my kid gets a +1 in my book. If the guy actively tries to drive a wedge between you and your kid, that is another thing entirely, as that is not an act of love. If it were me, I'd have a talk with the guy and tell him you appreciate him being nice to your kid and look forward to him being a positive role model in your kid's life. And then mention that your son will always know who his father is because you'll always be there for him or something.

Good luck.