Not sure if I can do it..

[MaxW72]

Like most of you, I can't believe I'm out here. I've been married 14yrs and have 3 young children which makes this especially difficult. I don't even know where to begin. I've finally admitted to myself that I'm no longer in love with my wife and probably even worse I don't think there is anything that can be done about it. She would say she loves me but I think she loves the idea of me...a faithful husband and good father. In a way I feel like she may have never loved me, I've been her emotional punching bag for the last 14yrs...blamed for everything wrong and she doesn't have much nice to say to me even when she's not upset with me about anything. About 2yrs ago I started to notice that she only told me she loved me when I said it to her first. Thinking I must be wrong I decided to stop saying it to her. Not only did she never tell me she loved me, she didn't notice I stopped...this went on for almost a year before I said something. She was hurt and felt like I played a trick on her. She said she thought our relationship was especially strong during that time. During this time we also went without sex for about 9 months. I realize small children get in the way of sex, but there is no excuse for 9 months. Even now we only have sex once every couple of months and it's passionless, it feels like she just lays there to get through it. How was our relationship so strong when we never said we loved each other and had sex maybe once. It makes no sense.
I feel completely trapped because of our children. It feels like I have to choose between their happiness and my own. Do I fake my happiness to give my kids a two parent home? I want to be in love and be loved back. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced that maybe I was the "safe" choice for my wife, I was good to her, wanted kids as much as she did and we had similar interests and family backgrounds. Over the years I've grown to resent her and honestly, not care for her much as a person. I'm tired of pretending to be happy and making decisions based on what won't get her mad. I'm not without fault, I could communicate better but it seems like we never see things the same way and I'd rather not fight. The bottom line is I'm not sure if I have the guts to go through with this even though I know it's what I truly want.

[Fatheroffour]

No offense meant at all but as I read that it sounded exactly like my ex wife when we got divorced.

From my perspective, we had 4 kids, two very young. Homelife was hectic and she had definitely been dealing with her own post partum depression issues. I was in year 4 of a nightmare hour and a half commute that had me up at 4am every day. I knew we had problems but I figured our relationship was strong and things were going to improve when the kiddos started school. Just make it till then.

Then things blew up with a divorce that sounded almost exactly like what you just wrote.



No judgement. My point is make sure you want one before you ask for one. I gave my ex the best one I could and it didn't turn out all that great for her.

[BartSimpson]

Yes, you stay married for the kids.

Because if you divorce "for happiness", you will soon find the complexity of not seeing your kids and being completely broke reduces your resulting happiness to a state far worse than you experience now.

In brief - a divorce sucks more than this pity party you enjoy now.

[capslock]

Lingerie.

[miamorefreckles]

If she's not crazy
Doesn't hit you or the kids
Doesn't spend hours on the computer neglecting the kids
Is a good mother in general
cooks, cleans, is civil
Doesn't cheat

Stay, work on it. Work HARD. Most of us here either were either left by cheating spouses or we fled the crazy NJ. It SUCKS. I'm fighting like hell for my kids currently, I owe more people money than I thought was ever possible and my stress level is so high I developed diabetes and high blood pressure... awesome huh?

[chereeda]

Lingerie.

He may not look good in lingerie...

donna

[defaultuser]

I agree with the others. Avoid divorce.

I'd buy the book, The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands and give it to your wife. It might help her to gain some perpective.

If that doesn't work, I'd seek an outlet like a discreet mistris over divorce because if you divorce, the whole family wil go through very tough times for years.

[NewReality]

Compared to other stories we hear, yours lacks accounts of violence, cheating and nutty behavior that have the divorce klaxon pegged.

But that doesn't mean that's not what's in store. Once she decides that she feels like you do now, she'll molt her old "wife" skin and reveal something altogether hair-raising.

You need to ACTIVELY get this figured out, be it thru counseling, and/or honest heart-to-hearts with yourself and her. Remaining wishy-washy will allow it to grow into something that will make your current dilemma seem trivial.

[Bubba Seal]

I agree your post just sounds like you guys have grown apart, believe me just getting a divorce isnt the key to you being happy. Its tough, you will have a lot less money to do the things you want to do.

I would suggest you guys get into some therapy and start trying to communicate again.

The little mind game of not telling her that you love her just to see what she would do? WTF is that? Your an adult, with responsibilitys, so grow up and act like one. If you have a problem with her, then start talking, not arguing about whats wrong with her, but basic communication on how you feel when she does or says certain things.

If you want a divorce for real then start planning for that. But it aint no rose garden, and honestly you just dont seem able to man up and face this, getting a divorce doesnt change that, once you get divorced if you dont deal with your side of it, you will more than likely make the same mistakes over and over.

In short you either need to s h i t or get off the pot!

Good Luck

[FriendofaGoodMan]

You have a lot to say about why she married you... do you remember why you married her? It would be worth exploring that in couple's counseling, before you haul out the big guns.

Does she need some attention from you? A makeover, a couple's vacation at Sandals, a night out every two weeks? Parenting young children is like anti-foreplay. Give yourselves some space and see if things don't improve. You have to make the time if you're to be more than co-parents.

Your situation sounds fixable and a lot less horrible than what so many here have put up with for a LONG time, just to be near their children.

Divorce is devastating, extremely expensive, painful in the extreme. Please make it your very last choice.