Parental Alienation Syndrome...

[Rocko1]

Has anyone dealt with your children's mother alienating you from them to a point it interferes with your visits and attitude towards you?

I am a good dad and have fought many times in court to get what little time I have with my 2 kids. Their mother has told mediator when asked what amount of time the kids should spend with their father be, she said 2 hours a week, anymore interferes with her activities. Every step of the way she makes me insignificant to our kids. It's now manifesting itself in that our 9 year son has said he doesn't want to come to visits at times and becomes extremely angry and violent. I have asked her to let me get counseling with him and try to understand this, nope, she says he fine, you go.

I just wanted to hear from anyone who has dealt with this. I am going to have to fight for the right to get me and my kids counseling as this situation seems to be worsening. Thanks

[Trevor]

Definitely lawyer up, but you will probably spend lots of extra cash if you try to go the "alienation" route (near impossible to prove) versus the "parenting time interference" path. If she restricts your time to one second less than the current orders state, you need to document it and pursue that angle.

[Rocko1]

Thanks. Alienating and interfering are the same IMO.

If she is telling the kids they don't have to go with me if they don't want(because she has told them if they stay they will go to a amusement park, etc.), they believe her, and when I come to pick them up she just stands there saying they don't want to go, it's not me saying that, it's them. Is that enough of her interfering for the courts to recognize?

[lohe]

Your decree should have a section in it stating that parents will encourage a healthy relationship between the kids and the other parents.
This is a direct violation of that, obviously.
You might get a therapist to document this.
One note of cauthion though, some therapists will state up front that they will not become involved in any court issues.

[whatnow?]

Don't want to give you the wrong information, but from my understanding, the children do not have a choice about visiting with the ncp. I was told by a lawyer that if I did not make my kid go see his mother, she could file against me and I would be the one in trouble. So, yeah, get a lawyer, find out what's up and pursue this to the ends of the earth. That's what dads do. We fight for our time with the kids........

[HammerDad]

I come to pick them up she just stands there saying they don't want to go, it's not me saying that, it's them. Is that enough of her interfering for the courts to recognize?

You then politely remind her, with your voice recorder running, that, until the court order is amended to provide that the children have a say in the matter, they have no choice. Should the children not be provided for your parenting time, you will document the denial of access and her failure to facilitate the child's relationship with you by suggesting they have a choice in whether or not they abide by a court order.

Simply put, a 9y/o has no choice in whether or not they go with the NCP for their parenting time. Actually a 14y/o has no choice as well, so long as the court order doesn't provide that they do have a choice.

Put the onus back where is belongs, being her. It is her failure to facilitate your relationship by suggesting they have a choice that has brought caused this issue. What she is doing is not in the kids best interests, and be sure to document and record all instances of this manner. The judge won't like to hear that mom is saying the kids don't have to go with you when the judge says they do.

[Rocko1]

Thanks again. I am just preparing for her countering and saying I never physically withheld them from the visit. It's all psychological.

I am seeking the right to get him counseling(order says we both must agree, she said no way) becuase of the fits he throws at times. At both houses he will throw a bad tantrum that includes hitting, biting, etc and it lasts for up to a couple of hours.

My son has done this when he was little a few times and I put him in the car kicking, screaming, biting, etc. Do you think it's still a good idea to force him physically in the car now? I would have to physically restrain him for a 40 minute ride if he throws the fit. I wonder if this is more damaging or not.

[HammerDad]

Yes, if you have to physically put him the car do so. If possible, get another person to drive so you can sit in the back seat with him to calm him down and distract him.

Journal all of the details so when you go to court to get court ordered counselling, you have ammo to use against her. Wear your voice recorder when picking up the kids. State that until the order is changed, the children have do not have a choice and for her to suggest they do have a choice is not in the kids best interests. But be sure to STAY CALM and business like. Do not raise your voice, simply repeat that the kids be provided for your parenting time.

Should she say no, go home and send an R3 (return receipt requested) registered letter stating that you were at the prescribed place at the prescribed time for the parenting exchange and the children were not provided in contravention of clause X of your agreement. You will allow her to remedy the situation by providing you with equal makeup time at the earliest possible date (give her 3 dates and she can choose one). Should she not remedy the situation, you will deem her actions as a denial of access and seek the appropriate remedy in court for her actions.

Rinse and repeat. But be sure to journal everything relating to your sons actions. You want to get him help. Be the best dad you can be, be consistant. By not taking or making your ex own up to her actions is only going to enable this moving forward.

[Rocko1]

Thanks. I was on the fence about forcing him to go as I didn't want it to negatively impact my relationship with him or have her record this as me abusing him becuase I may have to restrain him with some force-he is very strong. Anything seems to be viewed as child abuse these days.

[HammerDad]

Don't use so much force that you may leave a mark. I think it is one thing to pick them up and bring, as it is to almost have to fight them off and restrain them.

One way to defuse this is to send the ex an email stating that you intend on exercising your parenting time with the kids for your next (and subsequent) scheduled dates. State that the children are to be exchanged in accordance with the agreement and that should they not be provided for your parenting time, you will document the denial of access and seek the appropriate remedy in court.

The first step to helping your son is to correct your ex. The best way to correct your ex is to pretty much beat her over the head with the court order. Do it in writing via email or registered R3 mail and do it in the most business like manner you are capable of. Once your ex gets it through her thick skull that she has to provide the kids and if she doesn't she could be hit with contempt, you will likely see some improvements with your son. Also, should you have to bring her to court for contempt, you can also ask for therapy for your boy there.

You should be sending written requests to your ex (email or registered mail or both) requesting therapy as your child appears to be having difficulties with the parenting transission. Be child centric, in that you believe therapy to be in the childs best interests and that as parents you would like her cooperation in the matter. Should she refuse, you then file a motion in court using the journal you've collected of ex's actions and the childs attitude.