'I wish you didn't have kids'

[RC211V]

That's what I feel like - she doesn't like the biggest part of who I am. I've told her I don't think it'll work if she really sees things that way, and the only reason I can see that she tries to stay together is that she thinks I might stop trying to have my kids 50/50 at least, and start saying 'No' when they ask to come over. She talks about the times the kids 'aren't supposed to be with us, they're supposed to be with their mom' and that we 'take the kids extra too much'. She doesn't understand, or refuses to see, that there is no such thing as 'extra' time with my kids...

And yes, she knew I had kids from almost the first time we met. She had a baby a few years ago that died from birth defects at a very young age, and was very understanding of me wanting to see my kids all the time, in the beginning. I felt like she could understand how it feels to not have your kids with you all the time. We got along really well, and when the time felt right my kids met her and they got along great. Over time her understanding of my desire to do what's best for my kids seems to have diminished.

[Anything4Her]

we 'take the kids extra too much'

You know what you need to do. It's less painful if it's done quickly.

[Fatheroffour]

Be thankful you haven't impregnated her.

And if the situation's specifics dictate, it might be prudent to quit having sex with her but not dump her until you know she's had her last period.

Its an advanced move but it helps you mitigate any risk that may be out there.

[secondhalf]

I wish you didn't have the kids

That's quite harsh of her to vocalize. On the other hand, perhaps you should thank her for vocalizing her feelings in such a harsh manner; best to be honest up front. Now you need to make a decision if it was just a moment's feelings as in "Gosh, it would be nice if the kids weren't with you tonight as we had been talking about doing XYZ when they were in town" versus "if you didn't have those kids we would be able to do so much more together. The above two statements, although still focused mostly on her, are really very different.

[Txbizman]

Let us know how the "dump" goes.....


My guess is she will back peddle but the truth has been revealed.

[involedfather]

To join in the chorus...

A belief I garnered early in the post-D days was that no woman without kids would really understand and connect with me. They're entirely different people, living entirely different lives.

Now this sucks because then you're looking at being alone until they all become late teens/adults or trying to blend families. Both situations are hard, the latter arguably harder. These are your options though. I'm loathe to condemn any relationship that I'm not part of but I really believe the chances of things panning out with her are one in a million. Despite the difficulty of blending families I believe you'll find so much more happiness with a woman who really understands your core. Just prepare yourself for the blend.

[RC211V]

I guess I've known she feels this way, deep down, for a long time. She's made comments like 'They're not my kids, I didn't have them' and stuff like that, and esteems the similarly-aged kids in her extended family above my kids all the time. She doesn't like anybody saying that my kids are 'our' kids and points out that they aren't hers.

When we first were going out I didn't have a custody order yet and she didn't like that I didn't have a set schedule. I told her when I had the legal right to see the kids, it would be easier to follow a schedule and know when we would have the kids so we could plan better. We got the < parenting time > schedule but that was just a step towards getting them for more time. I believed all the nonsense I've heard about not being able to get joing custody and I thought EOW was the best I could hope for from the court. When I realized getting my kids was up to me, I got to doing the things I need to do. She says I was dishonest when I said we'd stick to a schedule, and now I'm trying for more time. Basically, she wants me to be an EOW dad.

[Anything4Her]

Basically, she wants me to be an EOW dad.

Aren't you glad you found out in time to dodge that bullet?

[RC211V]

Well I kinda didn't... I am in a pretty sticky situation...

Yeah, after NJ and I separated, I didn't think I would find any woman, even one with kids, who would want to be with me as a divorced dad with 2 kids, and a very involved and caring dad. I was ok with that, figured my kids would provide the stable relationship I want in life, and the times I didn't have them I'd get to be a bachelor. Kind of best of both worlds. But I met my girlfriend and felt like I'd found somebody really special who wanted to be with me and my kids, I guess, like I found the right one (man I sound like a pathetic loser). Until recently I've thought we've just had tough times to figure out, but more and more it seems like serious incompatibility.

[jerry2010]

I think she is trying to tell you it is over but wants you to make the move.

Any woman that insinuates or asks for you to choose your children over the relationship with her is not a keeper or than a fbuddy.

In other words...........Run Forrest Run as quick as you can before matters get more complicated and worse. BTW, I would bet what little money I have she is already either seeing someone else or at the point with someone else she can swing from your branch to this other poor saap with relative ease. IMHO