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Hi, new here, and honestly, I am the finance of a divorced dad, and posting for information for him, because he isn't going to do it himself. So I apologize right off for that, but I wasn't sure where else would be better. I have been with him for a year an a half, he has been separated for two years, divorced 1. He has a 14 and 16yo boy, and a 18yo girl.
Last March, boys came to the house on his days (Sunday, Monday, Wednesday). they did this fine, very talkative with me and him. This lasted until June, when the divorce finalized and then summer started, but they came off and on, and we had them for half a week over the summer (ziplining and indoor skydiving, which they later told mom they hated), but starting in October they haven't come over at all.
She is another story entirely. She constantly goes away and leaves the kids with her sister or friends, despite him having ROFR, claiming that the kids hate it over with him and she won't do it to them. She doesn't update him about doctors or school, and whenever he stops by she is screaming at him. She has rearranged her work days and times so she is home when he is supposed to have the kids, and they won't leave her. He is currently paying child support and alimony though they have equal incomes, he is doing this because kids would have lost the house, and at the time he didn't want that. During the divorce hearing the judge asked him if he was aware that he was paying more than he needed to.
I am sure I need to add more details, but I guess my query is how much is rebellious teens, mom influencing the kids negatively, and at the age would he have any chance in getting custody if she really is negatively influencing them? Would court allow a renegogiatation of financial support based on the lack of communication if it will end up in her losing the house?
Currently, he just has all of her text messages saved. We live in CT, if that helps anything.
And again, I'll try to get him to post, but I don't know if he will. Currently, he is waiting to see if the 18yo will spend anytime with him before going back to college (so far it's a no). Any sites for the "step-mom support" would be great too. Mostly to help him.
It could be you, it could be mom, it could be Dad. Dad probably needs to cool things down with you for a bit, and have alone time with the kiddos, and have a frank discussion. They're old enough to know what they're feeling, and probably rebellious enough to tell it to him straight.
Then he needs to try to find a way to fix the issues that come up.
jumbledone wrote:Bart seems a little quick on the draw.
But I'm right. Her own timeline tells all . . .
We know the effect of a girlfriend on NJ's during a divorce. We know the type of woman who assumes "step-mother" status prematurely. We know the type of Dad that, well . . . He isn't here asking the question - she is.
And since she is here - I give her the same advice I give all similar women in a relationship with a recently divorced man and a NJ wife - GTFO! You are volunteering for this, you can't fix it, and you are going to drive him and the kid's nuts! You choose to be involved with this mayhem - why? Your marriage to him is doomed to failure - Hello?
jumbledone wrote:Then he needs to try to find a way to fix the issues that come up.
After he get's rid of the girlfriend.
If you find something offensive in what I write, please accept my apology in advance. (Not that I'm going to change anything just because you don't like it, but it's not my goal to offend anyone.)
I probably have no place saying anything given my newness to all of this but I'll put it out there anyway, take it with a grain of salt.
I think you can't get teenagers to do what they don't want to do. 2 of them have cars, one is officially an adult, like it or not it's there lives now. If there's resistance from them AND mom I'd just walk away. Pay your dues and adjust lifestyle to whatever you have left. Plan your life according to the factual responsibilities (or lack thereof). Enjoy the time you get with them but don't lose sleep over the issues either. Be there if they want you, accept it if they don't. I feel like that's true even outside of a divorce situation and I've been mentally preparing for that since my daughter (now 12) was born. That's how my parents have always treated my sister and I (parents not divorced).
I believe that it's a fallacy to 'live for our children'. Live your life, take care of and raise your children to the best of your ability such that they can take on their own lives, but live yours as well. I don't want my kids dependent on me or living with me the rest of their lives. I'd like to be a part of their life after they move out but that's all about being mutually agreeable in my opinion. Maybe they'll have hangups about me as adults, blame me for this or that, hate me for all I know but that's OK. Just as I did they'll have to take responsibility for their own life and make their own decisions devoid of mine.
As far as your relationship being 'doomed'... iono... no one really does. I sure couldn't figure out any kind of magic recipe. Many, if not all, of my friends think I'm an idiot for getting remarried as soon as I did but that's OK, it's not their life either. I wouldn't degrade who you are as a person for being willing to move into such a volatile situation. I don't know you, I don't know what you've been through, I don't know the whole situation, and I don't know the kind of connection you have with this man. Really everything we do in life is stupid. It's stupid to have kids in the first place. There is so much cost and heart ache involved, even under the best of circumstances. We have the medical technology to prevent pregnancy. Marrying someone is stupid too. Your desires will often conflict. You'll have to compromise regularly. You'll be annoyed a lot. Then well, living for things (houses, cars, toys, TV) is equally stupid. They cost a lot, break, have to be replaced, and don't really provide companionship. We do them all though because the provide something in return that seems with the associated risk. Life is messed up by design so try not to get too worked up about messing it up more. I'd just say that you should try earnestly to look at the risk vs. reward and then decide if it's worth it to you. Best estimate. That's all you can do.
I've asked numerous times if I should leave, and he doesn't want me to. And none of the time is actually with me, as I work on all his days with the kids second shift. They saw me in the beginning because I was home recovering from surgery, and they were talkative and engaged.
He has tried the discussions, and they just grunt and ignore him. If it were just the two of us, we'd move to Montana and f the kids, but that doesn't quite seem right... But thanks involvedfather, that's great advice, I appreciate it.