grandma drama

[dadoftwo]

I don't mean to sound petty here, and I know that many have way worse NJ's than me... My D10's grandmother is a bigger NJ than her mother, though. I'm having a hard time dealing with her since she thinks she has some kind of legal rights to my daughter, and D10's mother lives with her.

I got physical custody of my daughter a little over a year ago. Grandma had filed her own petition for custody when she found out I did, and she really thought she was going to win. She almost did, for a little while, but that's another story. Since then, she's been very bitter towards me and has all but invited my daughter to join her "Daddy is evil" fan club. I'm trying to get across to her that she is not D10's parent, and that D10 needs her to be grandma, but she's just getting worse. Even a lot of her own family agrees with me that she's sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

Recently its been things like giving D10 a list of "rules" to follow at my house, and telling D10 that she is going to have her on MLK day (she refers to D10's weekends with her mother as belonging to herself), and how excited she is about that. However, even though the weekend before MLK day is her mother's, the Monday is mine. I'm afraid grandma will just say on Sunday that they are not bringing her back. I have the day off and had made plans for D10 and I for the day, so now I don't want to disappoint her by telling her it's not "grandma's" day, but I also don't want to give up my plans. And what happens if she just doesn't bring her back? I have bad images already of me going to their house and she start screaming at me in front of D10. She's done it once before.

She's even told the judge that I have "withheld her court-ordered < parenting time >" - but she doesn't even have any! There are no court orders involving her.

Grandma visits D10 during lunch at school @ 3 times a month. I wouldn't have a problem with it so much - actually, at first I thought it was great, and considered D10's school partly because of proximity to grandma's work and ability to see her during lunch breaks - but whenever grandma visits D10 at school, she comes home saying things that grandma told her about how and why I am wrong, bad, etc. Is there a way for me to prevent grandma from visiting school?

Is there anything I can do about this situation in general? D10's mom hasn't always lived with grandma, but she doesn't seem to have any plans to move out any time in the near future - maybe a few years from now. I would much rather try to deal with D10's mom without interference from grandma. When she didn't live with grandma, I felt like her mom and I were better able to communicate and make joint decisions about D10, but that hasn't happened at all since grandma's come around.

Thanks guys. You've all had good advice for me before. I'm hoping you've got some more.

[defaultuser]

What you can do is either deal with it, or document it and take it to court.

If you want to take it to court, here is what I'd do:

1.) Get some evidence, like the list of rules to follow at your house or whatever.

2.) Keep a good journal, record interactions if its legal and get evidence.

3.) File a motion for a court appointed therapist. This is someone that will testify on your kid's behalf after talking to her.

Once you have the evidence, file the appropriate motion or petition in court, and ask that the grandma either does not have access to your child, or you have your kid almost all the time.

You may even be able to sue for contempt. It will be a long and expensive road, but what else can you do?

[beenthere]

The mere fact that your daughter comes to you with the stuff good old grandma tells her is a good thing. It means she is bothered by what she is hearing and she has gone to her old man for reassurance. Your own actions and behavior will speak volumes to your daughter and your daughter will see you as you are--not as she is being told.

When D10 says, "Gma said that you_________" just tell her that you aren't or don't ______ and let it go.

That said, document everything. If you go to the Gma's to pick up your daughter and Gma starts yelling etc., I hope your video camera is rolling. Have your orders with you when they call the police. Document document.

While you are doing that, enjoy your daughter. It may be possible to stop Gma's lunch visits just by removing her name from the list of approved visitors with the school. It is something to consider if you truly feel the visits are harmful.

When you have enough real evidence, take Gma down.

[grgr]

Maybe you could have a well worded talk with your daughter about grandma? (It obviously disturbs her somewhat or she would not talk to you about it.) Something like it is clear that her grandma loves her very much but sometimes grandma gets a little carried away and tries to "parent" her instead of "grandparent" her. Tell your daughter that one example is she should always respect grandma's "house rules" while there, but when she is at your house you make the rules, not grandma or anyone else. Also, your daughter is old enough for you to start teaching her how to set boundaries with other people. I'd tell her if anyone says things to her about dad or mom that aren't nice it's ok for her to ask them to please not say anything bad about her mom or dad to her. (I'd keep that real general and not name grandma but your daughter will get the idea.)

[jamessick]

I would inform grandma she is being recorded at all exchanges, even if you're a one party state. I'm betting she'll get irate anyway. The therapist is an excellent idea as well. The kicker though is the mother living with grandma so I'm not sure a court will post a no contact ruling on grandma.

[Fatheroffour]

Valium in her Ovaltine.

[jerico08]

Valium in her Ovaltine.

Better yet, lots of Exlax in it instead will keep her busy.

[Fatheroffour]

Or both.

[kmich91262]

Talking about a messy situation if using both at the same time. Can one imagine waking up, going WTF? Why are my pants and the item I'm sitting on soiled? LOL

[dadoftwo]

Thanks for all the advice, and the... umm.. other stuff . At Ieast I get a good laugh from the situation. I might try the ovaltine strategy, just for fun.

I am torn about trying to limit her contact with gma because my own gma was such an important person to me. But its just not the same for her and D10. Maybe after a few years she will settle down and I can start letting off on that at that point.

I never thought about the fact that D10 discusses this with me as something pointing to her being troubled by it - a good thing I suppose. That gives me a lot to chew on for awhile.

I'm still not sure if I can limit gma at school, but I do think that is where most of the problems happen. At least when her mom is around on weekends that she is there, I don't think gma is so open about negative attitude towards me. I'm sure if her mom and I were in agreement that the school would have to comply with our wishes for gma not to be there, but if I say no, and mom says yes, then what?