No idea what to do!

[straightlinespeed]

Hi guys,

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Im dealing with my very psycho NJ ex. She is very manipulative and twists words and conversations. It always has to do with her parenting time. I have the majority of the custody 80% but have given her a more equal 50/50 type of schedule because I think it was important to my D11. Unfortuantly this schedule has been in place and working half < hindquarters > for about 2 years now. When it is my time she will call and try to take my daughter out for dinner or schedule things with my daughter prior to me knowing. Then she has my daughter call me and ask me so that I feel guilted into letting her go with her mom. Its only getting worse and worse and now my NJ ex is trying to twist email dates that have been set for months. She constantly threatens me with mediation (which is total BS and a waste of time) IMO. As well as we will see what the courts have to say about all this. I reminded her tonight that I allowed her to have her schedule for the benefit of my daughter. With this crap going on and so much more I want to enforce the decree or something but my decree is vague and I dont know what my other options are. Ive tried to be nice and give in but there is absolutely no reasoning with her and she just keeps taking and taking. Her ultimate goal is to get me to pay her CS and get full custody.

I dont want to pay a lawyer big money but I know the longer this goes on the more she can get the decree changed to meet the current schedule (good thing she never has any money). I just dont know what to do or how to put her in her place. I would also like her to stop putting my daughter in the middle and using her as a pawn. Please give me suggestions or things that have worked with all of you!

[Fatheroffour]

I thought mcc gave you some good suggestions last time. Did you consider them?

[straightlinespeed]

I thought mcc gave you some good suggestions last time. Did you consider them?

Since you are following a nearly 50/50 schedule, can you make any convincing arguments as to why the NJ should see the kids any less? Does she forget to help the kids with the homework? Miss appointments? Put the kids in the care of an incompetent? If the answer is no, you are not going to win an argument that the schedule should be changed or that you have the right to enforce that 2 year old POS decree. Don't go there. Can you get her to see the kids less - more play dates with friends, time with your relatives? Gradually get a shift away from 50/50. Sign the kids up for fun activities that are really developmental and good for them on her time and if she doesn't bring them you have a good case to get the 80/20.

Hi FoF,

I have started doing some of it, As for the apts. homework and such its tough. She rarely will take my D11 to apts, because its so far for her to drive from work or its not a good time. So I have to take her almost all the time. Homework, ya that was another story but I dont want to bring that up because in the beginning of the school year I was slacking in that department, but by the end of it I was sending all the reminders to her or emailing the teacher and meeting with the teacher to discuss her homework. So she will throw it back in my face that I neglected it just as much. She is very manipulative and has delt with her winner BF (who has 5 kids, with 4 different moms) and all of his custody stuff. So she knows how the court system works. That scares me!

I have not set up a lot of play dates, because of my schedule and where we live. Although I have talked to my D11 about it and its kinda in the works. As for activities, my D11 really isnt into anything and we have tried various things with no success on her part. LOL

I have text messages with conversations, I had emails until tonight when Gmail deleted them all (they werent even in the trash they were in a saved folder). I sent in a complaint to gmail and hopefully they can get them back! Tonight was the first time that I somewhat threatened, I like to say reminded her, that Im allowing her more time than she is allowed. She of course threatened me back and all that good stuff. I can just see it all turning into the he said/she said crap in court.

[Fatheroffour]

I think if it were me I would really invest the time in finding something that kiddo really enjoys, that takes time and practice and that you can do together. What that could be is up to you and your kid. Bowling, dancing, skating, fishing, boating, skiing, hiking, photography, billiards, volunteering, martial arts. The list is endless but there has to be something or another out there that can capture your kids imagination and attention. If nothing else, you can spend the time with her running through trying things to see whether she likes them or not.

Growing up I was fascinated with Jacques Cousteau and all things nautical.At 14, my grandfather arranged for me to do a summer internship at the National Marine Fisheries Service doing college level research at a fisheries lab. One of the best summers of my life.

If your daughter likes animals, talk to local vets about something similar. Horses? Talk to local horse farms. Dogs and cats? Try the local Humane Society or equivalent.

Just a train of thought among many. Broaden your horizons and focus on kiddo rather than the conflict with the ex and I'm sure some ideas will come to you.

[straightlinespeed]

I totally agree with you!The quality time with my daughter is not the issue though. I do spend time playing outside as well as so much other stuff with her and I understand where your coming from. We can go weeks and not have any problems with my ex, but the moment she tries to make plans on my days or anything like that it becomes a issue and then all hell breaks loose. Im getting very irritated with her putting my daughter in the middle of things and if I dont agree the blowing up my phone or threatening me with court and mediation. That is what I want to end. I just dont know how to do it or what to do about it.

[Fatheroffour]

Nancy Reagan said it best.

[straightlinespeed]

Nancy Reagan said it best.

man I feel dumb.. I dont know what she said!

[Fatheroffour]

"Just say no."

She'll huff and puff and stomp but if you want to be the boss you have to act like the boss.

[straightlinespeed]

LOL, Ahhhh now Im with you!

Ok, one more thing, we do switch weekends or days every now and then. The most recent is this next weekend because my daughter is suppose to be coming camping with me and my GF as well as my sister and her husband. Well when I told my ex no she couldnt come and take my daughter out for dinner this weekend she threw a fit. We had agreements month ago for camping next weekend and she is throwing a fit about it now. She is also saying my daughter cant spend a week with my mom who she sees a handful of times a year because of the distance they live away. This was also set up at the same time as this up coming weekend.

So should I just not let me daughter go camping with us? She was looking forward to it. This is how my ex puts my daughter in the middle of things. I know this is the type of stuff I need to write down and I am. I know from here on out that if I dont have my daughter on my days that I need to stop asking to switch days if something like this comes up.

[Fatheroffour]

"She says...."

You should care about what your ex says about as much as I care what your ex says.


As a general rule, which you obviously need to get in the practice of, you should ignore your ex.

It's a perk of divorce.

I'm on your side but holy crap dude, you were given a huge victory in family court and your ex just complained and browbeat it right out of you. You need some assertiveness training.

You are the boss. You are in control. You dictate the terms.

Look in the mirror and repeat that until you believe it.