An agreement for child custody while married..

[thecaptain24]

So my wife and I were discussing child custody and dad rights as we frequently do. We have a 9 month old together, and I have never doubted her when she tells me she would never refuse 50/50 if anything happened to us. (She is previously divorced and has children. They agreed to move to a mutual location and share 50/50 custody in writing before they ever filed for divorce)

So she suggested why not just sign a custody agreement now, just to get it out of the way if for some reason our marriage went bad and we decided to divorce.

Is this something we could just sign and notarize together (like she did previously--they never went to court or fought in their divorce so it was never an issue of if it was legally binding in a judges eyes), or is this something we could actually legally do prior to the event we ever divorce? Would filling out a divorce decree, having it notarized, and just both keep a copy for record do the trick? Has anyone else ever considered doing this prior to having children, or including in some sort of agreement while still married like you would your assets? I just wonder how much could be prevented if people did this prior to having kids or even now while married like we wish to do.

What about some sort of preemptive measures at preserving fathers rights, to help with the fight of fathers rights?

[Fatheroffour]

The court reserves the right to rule in the childrens best interest. Whatever agreements you come up with on the side, agreed to and signed of on, don't carry the force of law and can be revisited.

The agreements may show intent and prior agreement but its within ones right to change their mind.

[Anything4Her]

I would go ahead and get it done/notarized. It has no legal force, but shows that your wife considers you a competent 50/50 parent. It would make it much more difficult to claim in the future that you were an abusive father who should be kept away from the kids.

No legal weight, but psychological influence in negotiations and in front of a judge. Can't hurt.

[Chosen2Dad]

Legally...it won't show anything as times could change moving forward. I think it shows some amicability, but it won't matter when it comes to divorce.

Won't hurt to have it on record, but won't help you if you go to court.

[defaultuser]

What I've seen that was *almost* a silver bullet in court is a letter written from your wife telling you what a great father you are, and that your kids are lucky to have you, and that you participate in the care of the children.

See... the only way she could reasonably ask for primary custody is to say that she was the primary caregiver, and something in writing from her hand that acknowledges your role in the child's life is pretty good evidence that you are an equal participant in care giving.

[thecaptain24]

What I've seen that was *almost* a silver bullet in court is a letter written from your wife telling you what a great father you are, and that your kids are lucky to have you, and that you participate in the care of the children.

See... the only way she could reasonably ask for primary custody is to say that she was the primary caregiver, and something in writing from her hand that acknowledges your role in the child's life is pretty good evidence that you are an equal participant in care giving.

She did suggest attaching a letter, notarized by each of us stating what roles/interactions the other parent has with our son and his attachment to both of us, and perhaps doing a follow up every year or two. I know from watching her interact with her ex she is not the typical golden uterus nj and its probably not necessary.But anything to protect each other from inside a court room and to both have our boy in our lives is worth it.

[Trevor]

Do it. Maybe she is like some of the women we have on these boards who has seen someone they love get screwed for having a Y chromosome. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall, better to have it than not to have it.

[Fatheroffour]

Some heartfelt handwritten anniversary, christmas and mothersday/fathersday cards, recounting the past year(s) and each others roles as parents and spouse will go a long way towards achieving your purpose as well as benefit your relationship.

Pulling those out certainly changed the atmosphere during my court date after listening to an hour or more of revisionist history.

An added benefit is that the cards/letters are ongoing. When you notice the change in tone in them you will also know it's time for some serious relationship maintenance.

[hoosier_dad]

+1 on the cards with heartfelt messages. Introduced one from my ex and one from my ex-MIL in court that were recent, both with glowing endorsements of me as a Husband and Father. Both introduced during cross examination after their fictional accounts of how bad I had been for years.