School Decision Conflict

[midwestdad]

After 18 yrs of marriage, my ex and I separated in Aug 2008 and were divorced in Sept 2009. For 4 years she was required to pay spousal support to me (I put her thru med school), which she paid early because of a lucrative buyout/stock deal from the clinic where she worked. During that time I was not required to pay child support (she makes significantly more as a physician than I do as a college instructor). That agreement expires this coming March.

We have joint legal custody with her having primary residential. My kids are with me every other weekend, as well as two nights a week for dinner, homework, etc. In addition, I have extended time with them over xmas and summer breaks. For the most part we have been cooperative with the kids' schedules. I covered for her when she was on call, etc. Typically, my son spends every Thurs. night at my house, though that is not in the court agreement. Generally, about a 40/60 breakdown of time.

Last summer, my ex fell apart and had to go away for in-patient treatment for severe depression and substance abuse. I had the kids in my sole custody for 7-8 weeks at that point, with some help from her parents. Since she returned we have continued with the pattern outlined above. After she returned, the ex also quit her position as a doctor and is now living on disability and the proceeds of the buyout mentioned above. She spends money VERY liberally--vacations, home improvements, etc. She is not hurting for income though she has not worked now in almost a year. She has promised come Mar. 2013 to seek child support from me.

My 15 yo daughter has adjusted fine to things since my ex returned. However, my 7 yo son has struggled, particularly acting out in school settings--writing and saying violent things, hitting some other kids, etc. Now, with about 2 weeks' notice, my ex wants to send him to a very expensive private school (around $11,000/yr) for second grade and presumably beyond. She believes this will solve his behavioral problems. I think it's a great school but am unconvinced it will be a magic cure as I think his acting out has to do with his mom's time away last fall and with our ongoing conflict. I also have no chance of affording half of this tuition, which would come close to 1/5 of my income.

According to our legal agreement, we must agree on the kids' schooling. I don't want to remove him from his current school, but she is insisting she will sign him up anyway. We met today with a non-binding mediator and made no progress. She refused to budge from her view that this school is the answer to our son's problems. I refused to give my permission for him to attend there, even if she pays larger portion of the tuition. I do not want to set up a situation that we can't sustain down the road.

My attorney advises me that only if she goes ahead and signs our son up for the new school can I consider legal action against her for violating the joint decision part of our agreement. And then he points out that will take time and will have no guarantee of being ruled in my favor. It could take several weeks for a hearing on any filing I might make, and by then my son could be in the school and doing well.

Even if she agreed to pay the entire amount for his school, I would be hesitant to sign off on this. I think it's a horrible lesson to teach him that because he is unhappy in one place we will pay for the cadillac alternative. This sets him up for a lifetime of not being able to adjust and work within his environment. And I don't want to cave in on the principle that I am an equal authority on a decision like this.

What do you all think I should do? What's possible? I'm considering finding a more aggressive attorney, etc., but I am uncertain, given the very short time window, how to proceed.

[capslock]

Did your attorney speak of or respond to your inquiry of an injunction?

[midwestdad]

Did your attorney speak of or respond to your inquiry of an injunction?

He said that until she violates the agreement by actually signing a contract for the private school or enrolling him, I cannot file anything. Does that sound accurate?

[capslock]

I wouldn't know I'm afraid.
I thought most decrees had a parent with the final say.

What about you enrolling the child in the school you want, the school he attended last year yourself, now, and meeting with the counselor now so as to work proactively on a solution for your son's discipline this year. As a returning student, registration should have been completed last spring and if not should be easy. You should not have to show the decree for instance. Schools don't want to lose students.
This way if it comes to an injunction, you can argue to the judge the child is set up. You have met with counselors and have a gameplan. Your wife is out of residential treatment now and your child should be back to normal and if not you will be there. The new school would be disruptive.

You could also go to the new school and present a copy of the decree to them and say enrollment is contested and you have not approved thereby stalling your ex's efforts to enroll your son.

Just ideas here.

[midwestdad]

Thank you, capslock, for the insights and ideas.

Our decree does not have a 'final say' on schooling. The wording is that we must agree or go to mediation.

He is already enrolled for the fall at the same public school he attended last year, so that's a great suggestion of a place for me to start, as is alerting the private school that the decision to send him there is contested right now.

We had him in counseling last spring, which helped some but which she resisted when the counselor was critical of some of her parenting choices. She has already promised our son already that he can attend this new school, took him on the school tour without my permission, etc.

Again, I think the school is fabulous, but I can't see that it will help his behaviors long term and know it can't be a sustainable thing because of the excessive cost. It will disrupt him again in a year or two when we would have to pull him out. Any sense that it would be worth the attorney's fees, court costs, etc. to pursue this more aggressively right now? Do others of you have experience with situations like this?

Thanks again for your wisdom.

[BartSimpson]

He said that until she violates the agreement by actually signing a contract for the private school or enrolling him, I cannot file anything. Does that sound accurate?

It's accurate and called prior restraint; it's unconstitutional.