MO Custody Modification Questions

[imakestairs]

I am the father, I have temp. custody of my child as of aprx. 7 months ago (let's call child Z) Unknown whereabouts of mother for 9 months until mod. hearing described below. I got custody from a grandparent caring for Z while mother was MIA. Prior to mother's disappearance we had a paternity decree, joint legal/physical custody order, child support order (dating about 5 years ago); I was NCP and CS payor.

I (w/atty) filed for the Mod. based on the following (in chronological order)

1. Denial of < parenting time > (w/ 2 mediation sessions scheduled to address this, mother no-showed, followed by a family access motion filed, hearing set, mother no-showed, mediator found in my favor and motion was upheld and signed by judge awarding me lost parenting time and ordering a bond be paid by mother)

2. Mother dropped Z from public school to home school without my knowledge, without discussion or agreement. Mother was eventually charged with child endangerment for failing to maintain education (charge eventually dropped because Z was eventually re-enrolled in public school the following year)

3. Abandonment; there is a lot of conflict regarding exactly how this transpired and several differing stories, my perspective is that I spoke with Z by phone and aprx. 5 days later went to address which appeared to be abandoned, by virtue of neighbors and with some police assistance giving info I was able to locate Z with above mentioned grandparent

Our first Mod. hearing was aprx. 30 days ago, after several (SEVERAL) summons returning non-est, mother appears and orally motions for a continuance

On advice of atty we agree to uphold mother's motion and reset hearing date. We made this decision based on the fact that mother had finally officially been served in this matter by appearing, and we thought it prudent to allow her time to retain counsel so that we could address all the issues at hand (not only custody, but support, atty fees, etc.) and by doing so, the ruling would be far more difficult for mother to revisit in the future.

Judge at the time, according to atty., was going to deny mother's oral motion for continuance and rule on only custody (My motion asks for sole legal/physical).

My question is: did I make the right decision in allowing continuance? Mother has since retained counsel and I am to understand that they are requesting another continuance. I will tell my atty to move to deny this and hopefully we can have this heard at our next scheduled date.

I am confident in my case and am willing to compromise to the extent that I understand the need for Z to have a relationship with mother. But I believe her actions demonstrate that it is not in Z's best interest for her to regain primary physical custody. Z has improved in school in my care, is healthy and well adjusted (all things considered, Z is coping well).

I can't help but be nervous that I made a bad decision and that things will go back to they way they were before (I didn't have any parenting time with Z for 10 months prior to mother's disappearance)

Thanks.

[Fatheroffour]

When a salesman has the opportunity to close the deal and doesn't, its a mistake. It sounds like you have a good case but by allowing her more time to get counsel and prepare, well, that's how good cases are lost.

Best of luck.

[imakestairs]

I understand how my decision may not seem to be entirely in line with my goal of sole, but what I am trying for, what I have taken this chance for is, hopefully something more solid and long term than the default I would have gotten last month would have been. I saw that as 6 months for mother to do even more legwork, get even more of her things together, and file her mod. against me even sooner

I think that this month continuance that has been granted and mother's having got an atty does decrease my chances of having all my wants fulfilled, but like I said I understand the need for Z (ok S8) to have a relationship with mother, and I am willing to come to an agreement from my position of wanting sole.

Some other factors that might be worth considering are mother does not have her own residence, best of my knowledge she is residing in 2-3 bdroom home with 3 other adults and her other 3 children. The disappearance had to do with current husband's criminal activity in another state, multiple felon (he is residing at above, best of my knowledge)
Thanks again

[Trevor]

Fo4's point is that you close the deal and control your lenience with the situation as best fits the child's needs and the other custodial factors. There isn't anything more solid and long-term than that. Meaning, she acts the fool, orders are enforceable as is. She plays nice and acts like she's got some sense, and that behavior is reciprocated, without the need to hire lawyers and fight in court. Her association with the criminal element serves to underscore the folly of your decision. But you can't unring that bell.

[Fatheroffour]

Custody is never settled permanently so giving her time to better prepare so you can get a more lasting judgment is strategic folly.

[imakestairs]

Thank you for responding.

I completely get your points, especially Trevor's example how we would handle parenting time going forward, and it sounds ideal. I should have trusted my gut instead of atty; I just wanted things to be as settled as possible so we could try to have a normal existence around here, at least for a while...

is there even a chance the judge will view my action to continue favorably? Half the motivation was just trying to appear reasonable; I just want this ruling to be as legit as possible because if the pos order we had before can last 5 years and she keeps on her garbage laden path, I want to try to take this one in my favor into S8's high school years. We are both lower maybe middle class so this court thing can't be a fixture, no one involded can keep these hungry atty's sate, I.e. we need a functional agreement in place

I still feel like my case for primary custody and address for school /mailing will be hard for her to disprove. Every thing I outlined above she can try and make excuses for but cannot disprove. These are the most glaring offenses of mother's, but general irresponsibility is her m.o.

[Fatheroffour]

You're saying you want the ruling to be as legit as possible but what you are not getting is that once the judge signs the order that is as legit as it gets. Push for all you can get when you have the upper hand and can get it. All a delay does is give the other side time to prepare and give time between their transgressions and the ruling.

Example:

If mom beats the kid today and you're able to get in front of a judge tomorrow he's likely to throw the book at her. If it takes a year to get in front of a judge it's old news and time for a second chance.

Next time you have the opportunity to seal the deal, do it.

[Trevor]

Your understanding seems to be that "legit" = "fair" or "equitable" and I think that's noble but disconnected from the reality of family court. Like Fo4 mentioned, like it or not, striking from a position of power is/was the smart thing to do when you have/had the chance to do it. Then, your magnanimity can shine as much as you want it to shine.

I think your move to agree to continue will never be in the consciousness of your judge. It's just another appointment among thousands booked on his calendar that sooner or later he'll have to decide. The can's been kicked down the road a bit. How much significance would you be expecting? I hate to tell you, you're just another item in the judge's inbox.

[Fatheroffour]

I think this brief clip is appropriate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCf46yHI ... ure=fvwrel

[imakestairs]

Thank you

I should have closed. Billable hours? Atty really had me convinced we could hash out all the issues and long term I would have more stability, and I would still get what I'm asking for custody wise.

Now I hear from the paralegal that they want to me to try to formulate a parenting plan to propose. I still don't think budging from sole is the best idea for S8 and will tell atty so...

Where do I go from here? Any advice is appreciated.