New here and I'm in SERIOUS need of advice. I'm desperate

[JacobDylan]

I guess I should tell my story. I was married with two AMAZING boys. My 9 year old and I are EXTREMELY close and my 6 year old loves me very much but he's closer with his mother because he was only three when I left. Around the time I left the house which was in 2008, my wife and I were arguing a lot and I had one of my best friends who served together in the Navy and he was also one of the grooms in my wedding that got a job in our area, which is CT and he was in kentucky. I told him he could stay at my place until he got his own no later then 2 months. While he was there my wife and I still argued. He got his own place after a month. The month he lived with me he developed a close friendship with my wife. Shortyly after him getting his own place, my wife kicked me out of the house. While I was out I still paid all the bills because she didnt work. As time went on I got the suspicion that there was something going on between them. They denied it for over a year and told me that I was psycho. When I finally discovered that they were dating it was over a year later. He's been gone for two years out of country but they have remained together. I have not spoken to him since I accused him of sleeping with my wife, which was almost 4 years ago. No apologies, nothing. Now he is moving back to CT and into my ex wifes house with my boys. I can't think of ANYTHING worse that someone I called my best friend, who slept with my wife, spending more time with my boys then I get to. I don't want him having ANYTHING to do with my children growing up if thats the type of person he is. Is there ANYTHING I can do? My 9 year old is vocal about the fact that he wants to live with me. To his mother and she tells him "when you're 18". Is he old enough in the courts eyes to have a say? I just cant help the feeling of helplessness thinking of this guy spending more time with MY boys, then I can. It's breaking my heart and I'm running out of time before my worst nightmare becomes a reality.


PLEASE HELP ME OUT WITH ADVICE OR ENCOURAGEMENT, I need it. I have to learn how to handle this situation because I don't want it to effect my kids.

[Thoughts?]

For us to help you the most, we need to keep it to the facts, and sort the emotion out of it. That said:

1) What state do you live in now
2) What state do the kids live in now, CT?
3) What is your current parenting schedule? In other words, how often do you see the children?
4) Are you joint legal?
5) What state were the current orders granted in? CT?
6) Although not directly related to possession, it's always good to be in compliance if you take a position on a something. That said, are you current on child support? And current on any ordered alimony / spousal support?
7) What are the ages of the kids currently and would they have a preference if asked?

[JacobDylan]

1) What state do you live in now YES
2) What state do the kids live in now, CT? CT
3) What is your current parenting schedule? In other words, how often do you see the children? I have < parenting time > every other weekend and rotating holidays
4) Are you joint legal? In the original divorce filing she requested joint with primary residence with her. It was supposed to be an uncontested divorce because there were no real assets involved and we were both pro se. At one of the proceedings she introduced all these debts that I didn't agree with and decided I would no longer continue with an uncontested divorce. I didn't sign anything. At another hearing/motion, which I was never served on or notified about she got the divorce done somehow. Then didn't tell me that we were divorced until 3 months later. My home on the court documents was my parents house. I guess they sent the divorce papers certified mail to my parents house, my parents didn't mention anything about any mail. I called the court and asked how they sent them and they said certified. The divorce was done in court in December, this was march. I went to the post office, got the documents which stated I had three weeks to respond if I disagreed. It was three months later. The divorce granted her FULL custody, with < parenting time > for me. She also lied to the judge about how much money I made so they raised my child support by double after we had already been to Family Court to determine child support a couple months after we seperated. I filed a motion to lower support and because I work on commision the judge decided that on a W2 for one year that was 70k and a w2 from a second year of 60k that she would base my income off of 80k. I pay more than I'm making at this point between support, medical insurance which I'm required to carry for the kids which costs another 1200 a month, and taxes. So when I do have my boys, I can't afford to do much with them.
5) What state were the current orders granted in? CT
6) Although not directly related to possession, it's always good to be in compliance if you take a position on a something. That said, are you current on child support? And current on any ordered alimony / spousal support? I am current on Support and was late on one payment in the last 3 plus years. I do have an arrearage for unremimbursed medical and unreimbursed day care. But I pay an extra 200 per month to pay that down. At the original support hearing in family court, I was ordered to pay 20% of unreimbursed med and daycare. But when she had the divorce done, the judge changed it to 59% because of what she told the judge my income was. Which was double what I was making. She controlled all of our banking. She knew EXACTLY how much I made. But,I have ALWAYS paid my support, as well as expenses for sports, clothes, haircuts, and other things like that even though I'm not ordered to.
7) What are the ages of the kids currently and would they have a preference if asked?
The boys are 6 and 9. The 9 year old would say he wanted to live with his dad. I don't know what the 6 year old might say. I mean he has said he wants to live with me but he is not adamant about it like my 9 year old is.

The child support situation is crippling me. I make 70k a year as a SVP of a company, Im only 34 years old and I have to work at PF Changs at night to make ends meet.

[Thoughts?]

On 1) YES is not a state. Am assuming it's CT so you live in the same state.

On 4) FULL is not a legal custody definition. She's primary, or sole. Which one is she? Also, if you were not properly served, that is cause to revisit a court order. Have you secured a complete and accurate copy of the orders entered by the court, even if you were not there?

You cannot stop her from sleeping with somone, and you cannot stop her from introducing the children to someone she's in a relationship with unless that person is a risk to the children. And provided she isn't having sex on the coffee table or leaving the kids alone to bar hop, once you are divorced you cannot do much about her exposing the child to this other guy. If you focus on that you will lose your long term goal.

Your long term goal should be maintaining & increasing your possession time. Currently it's EOW and rotating holidays. Research CT guidelines -- is this consistent with state guidelines on possession, or less? Am hoping someone with CT knowledge jumps into the dialogue here.

Also, you should pay your support, but you should not allow yourself to be penalized by paying more than ordered. There are two parents here, and both of you are obligated for supporting the children -- her as well. How does what you pay now, based upon your possession time and current income, compare to CT guidelines?

Also, how long since these orders were entered?

Both passage of time, and the fact your income differs from what is on record with the court, support a change in circumstances so that you can get CS changed.

BTW, I dont' buy your "my parents must have gotten a letter and never told me" stuff. You had their house listed as your legal address. If they got a certified letter for you and never told you, either they were stupid for not telling you or you were stupid for listing them as your address. Are you on record with your ex and the courts with regard to your current legal address?

[JacobDylan]

On 1) CT, which is where I reside as well as the children

On 4) I apologize, it is sole custody and I do not have all of the documentation.

Both passage of time, and the fact your income differs from what is on record with the court, support a change in circumstances so that you can get CS changed.

The divorce was entered in Dec of 09. There have been mods since then but, none to custody. Only support which is still too much. I just filed for a mod again and the judge refused to lower my support, even though the CT guidelines were done by the Support Enforcement officer and said I should be paying HALF of what I'm now paying. His reasoning is that I have an existing order in NY state as well for a child I had when I was 19 during my time in the Navy and that I need to modify that order before he can modify the CT order because he is "sure" that NY will rule that 1200 per month for medical insurance is too much and order my other childs mother to put my daughter on her insurance or state insurance. The CT judge has ordered my two boys be put on state insurance by the mother. So i am no longer required to carry them, but, my order in ny for a third child requires me to carry her on my med insurance. So it costs 1200 per month whether its one child or three. My response to him was that, I am not getting contempt motions in NY and haven't been to court there in over 4 years. I have been getting several contempt motions in CT when my ex wife submits several thousand dollars worth of babysitting receipts and medical copay receipts that she saves and enters sometimes a years worth of receipts which she NEVER told me about all at once with a contempt motion saying that I am not paying them. How can I pay them when I never knew they existed. She works at her fathers Deli, and drops the boys off at the bus every morning for school and is there to pick them up when they get out of school. So how would I know of any day care expenses if she never makes me aware of them until she submits them to the court attached to a contempt motion? But, I pay my normal support every month and always have. I spend money on things that I shouldn't because I refuse to let my kids walk around with hair that hasn't been cut in two months and clothes and sneakers that have holes in them. She takes advantage of that with me but continues to call me a dead beat dad.


Are you on record with your ex and the courts with regard to your current legal address?
I was using their address because at the time I didn't really have a place to live since she kicked me out of the house so I was staying whereever I could. There was never anything DELIVERED to my parents house. The letter sat at the post office from December through March and I only knew of it's existence when my wife told me we were divorced and I wasn't paying the increase in support. So I called the court who said they would have sent it certified so I went to the post office and there it had sat since december. I signed for it in March when I picked it up at the PO. They have had an accurate address for me ever since this all happened. You may not buy that story but, I wasn't living at my parents house and nothing was actually delivered to the house. It was still at the post office 3 months later in march.

[BartSimpson]

Somehow the complexity here must be simplified. Paragraphs would be nice.

I take it you never see your kid in NY, and rarely see your kid in CT?

[JacobDylan]

Actually, I see all the kids as much as possible. I bring the kids to all their sports practices, which right now is flag football, as well as all of their games on Sundays. Then I have my regular visitations every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday at 5pm. I see my daughter once or twice a month.

[BartSimpson]

First of all - < parenting time > is a horrible word to describe your interaction with your own kids. You have < parenting time > with someone in Jail, let's call your time with your kids Parenting.

That you see your daughter, now 15?, once a month isn't going to win you points with me. Girls that grow up without their Daddy parenting are just a couple of clicks away. Any chance that you could increase that parenting significantly?

You have the least amount of parenting time possible - EOW. How can you increase the number of overnights that you are parenting?

[JacobDylan]

The reason I don't see my daughter, who just turned 14 in March, more often is because she lives over 4 hours away and right now she is involved in track and soccer, which prevents her from spending weekends in another state. I do however speak with her every day and do the best I can to be a good father to her as well as my two boys. You're making me feel like I'm not doing enough as a parent. I referred to it as < parenting time > because that's what it's called in court.

[JacobDylan]

The problem I asked for help with has nothing to do with my daughter. Is there anyone here who might be able to offer some advice? I think that would help much more then criticism.