Which is worse: kids with nut-job mom or kids with no mom?

[SeattleDadof3]

My wife and I have been going back and forth between divorce and counseling for the past 6 months after I discovered she had been having an affair with a guy she met in alcoholism rehab. Her boyfriend is a bigger nut job than she is and even more unstable. She filed a restraining order against him a week before he went to prison but soon dropped the order and continued her affair with him while he's been in prison.

Anyway, now she's started drinking again and freaked out on me last night in front of the kids. I had to call 911 and she was charged with gross misdemeanor domestic violence.

Before this, I believed that it was important for my kids to have a mom in their life and I was going to work for 50/50 custody.

Now I wonder if my kids would really be better off without her. It sucks either way but I hate to think of them spending 50% of their time with an alcoholic, violent, mental case who is likely going to be shacked up with a bipolar felon once her boyfriend gets out of prison.

I know it will be an uphill battle to get even 50% custody, let alone 100%, but my question is really whether that would be best for the kids in the long run. Anybody have any words of wisdom to help me choose between the lessor of two evils?

Thanks.

[nighthawk]

I don't think you have the choice. I think you should present the evidence and let the court decide. In the end, whatever will be, you will tell your kids, when their older, mommy did what she did and the court decided. And that you are there for them and will always be there for them.

[Fatheroffour]

Unless you're going to kill her, no mom isn't an option.

[Trevor]

To be clear, we don't advocate killing anyone here. Sayin'.

[Fatheroffour]

Yeah. That would be a little over the top.

[nighthawk]

It may be cheaper. Oh, lets get real, it's defiantly cheaper!

[demurrer]

You're talking the wrong approach. The kids will always have their mom.

You want to set yourself up to be the primary custodian (aka sole decision-maker) for your kids and let stbx off the hook easily by giving her some legally permissible < parenting time > schedule.

Let her drink as much as she wants (and do other things that make it easier to show that you are the only parent that will look after the best interests of the children). It makes it easier to justify you as primary that graciously permits her to have supervised daytime < parenting time >.

[Chosen2Dad]

Take advantage and go primary. 100% may be difficult, but 50% is easy as you continue to document her actions.

The kids will grow up and realize as they go what a NJ she is. Let them do it on their own.

[newwife]

You know, I've wondered the same thing about my SD. Her mom is an NJ, crazy, unstable, bad influence.
This past pickup her NJ mom had her pack up all her things and take them with her. She said she just doesn't want her anymore.
And you know what? I've never seen my SD so stress free.

And I also had an NJ mom. when i was younger i cut her out as much as a teenager could. as an adult i have cut her out completely. I have never had such a drama-free time in my life.

Go for full custody. you can't cut NJ out completely, but you can lessen her influence on your children.
Trust me, they will thank you when they look at her thru grown-up eyes.
Trust me.

[nighthawk]

You know, I've wondered the same thing about my SD. Her mom is an NJ, crazy, unstable, bad influence.
This past pickup her NJ mom had her pack up all her things and take them with her. She said she just doesn't want her anymore.
And you know what? I've never seen my SD so stress free.

And I also had an NJ mom. when i was younger i cut her out as much as a teenager could. as an adult i have cut her out completely. I have never had such a drama-free time in my life.

Go for full custody. you can't cut NJ out completely, but you can lessen her influence on your children.
Trust me, they will thank you when they look at her thru grown-up eyes.
Trust me.

When I was seven, my mother did everything she could do to cut my dad from my life, also told me how sorry he was all the time,"the ressons why she was protecting me from him". When I got to that rebellious stage in my life, I did everything I could do to prove her wrong about my dad, even though I had to take alot of bad knocks because of it, I still have bad feelings for my mom for the way she did it.

Let the court decide, it's not your decision.
Never bad mouth their mother to them.
Never lay claim to the courts decision.
Let the children find their own feelings out, about their mom.