7 day advance notice?

[rewmich]

I am currently in the process of opening up a new restaurant with my company in the Los Angeles area. I agreed to let my ex take our child for the last 2 weeks of june while i am anticipating being busy with opening the shop. I do anticipate a couple days off (hopefully) and would like to spend those with my daughter as and if they arise. She has asked that I give her 7 days advance notice to arrange time to spend with our daughter. We currently have a custody arrangement and schedule in place and have joint legal/physical custody. These two weeks in june will temporarily supersede our normal custody schedule. There is nothing stipulated that we need to give eachother 7 days advance notice in our court papers. I told the ex that her request was excessive and deliberately making it difficult to see my daughter. I also told her that I would make an effort to respect her time and let her know when i would like to take my child as soon as possible and would not call the night before and ask to take my child the next day.
The ex does not think that is acceptable and insists on me giving her 7 days notice since our child is in her custody during that time and does not want her plans with our child to be interrupted by my "last minute" requests.

Is there a different approach i could be taking with this situation?

[Fatheroffour]

You could stick with the original orders.

Otherwise, her request seems reasonable.

[capslock]

I agree.

[defaultuser]

I agree. And in the future I would trade time with her vs. Give her time when possible.

I agree. Play your cards close to the vest. If she doesn't know your schedule or your needs as far as time for work, she won't know how to effectively play keep away.

[rewmich]

@fatheroffour: I'm not sure I agree with you. I'm sorry to challenge you on it, but I guess this is why I'm visiting this forum. I would like to think its reasonable, but I am not convinced. If you have the patience, indulge me.

@capslock: I do not understand your reply about trading time vs. giving her time in the context of this situation. I'll give you some more info, if you could elaborate.
We have traded time in the past, in fact just recently. I am going to VA to train for this new restaurant and am taking my daughter to visit/vacation with her grandparents while i work, and post work, tool around DC, VA, MD. This is a 12 day thing. My ex, upon agreeing to let our child go with me, as a trade off for allowing me to take our daughter, asked to have her for 12 days uninterrupted by me wanting to see my daughter (even though she would be 1 mile away from my house, uninterrupted, as a "fair" trade, since she would not see our daughter for 12 days while we are in VA). To this I agreed, though I was a bit saddened to be 1 mile away from my kid and not able to give her a hug or anything. Anyway, this two week thing at the end of june was the ex's idea, again, since I will have spent 12 days with our child in VA. She said, again, that since she wouldn't be seeing our daughter for 12 days, she should get her for the rest of june (for those last 2 weeks of june). @Fatheroffour (if you are still reading this, lol, this next part may flesh out this situation a bit more) Knowing that I will be busy with opening up the shop, and probably needing to get a sitter anyway for my days, I agreed. when i asked to be able to see her a day or two she gave me the 7day stipulation. My issue with it is that i do not have a set schedule (and keep in mind this work schedule is temporary until the restaurant opens) I may be working every day of the week...or I may have a day off at some point...or maybe only an evening. I do not think I would even know if I have a day off 7 days in advance. That is why I told her I would give her as much advanced notice as possible and I guess what amounts to a minimum of 2 day notice. I guess I'm wondering: is what I propose any less reasonable? Or what am I not considering.

I could go back to the normal schedule, but that custody schedule is also being reconsidered with this new restaurant job I have (and revisiting the custody schedule is becoming another challenge). I would have to get a sitter for my days anyway, and with a clause of "right of first refusal" in our agreement, I would have to call the ex each and every time I needed a sitter (which, to restate, would be pretty much every day i have our child). Saying I do not like this 7day thing and going back to our normal schedule, at this point, would create a lot more trouble than moving forward and trying to have reasonable access to my child. I also think going back on what i have already agreed to (albeit, with a condition still under debate) is kind of rude. The ex made the request, I agreed with the condition of being able to see our child a couple times if work allowed, and the ex said not without 7days advance notice. I think that is a bit unreasonable given the situation. My question is why is the 7day thing reasonable?

@defaultuser: I have the impulse to "play my cards close," but when it comes to this situation, the ex is going to know and kind of needs to know my work schedule, primarily because we are in the midst of potentially altering our custody schedule...oy. I understand about giving only as much info as necessary, but sometimes, determining what is necessary and/or relevant drags a negotiation out longer than it has to be. I would much rather get as many facts out on the table to help make better informed decisions. Sometimes I think i shouldn't do that though, it can put me at a disadvantage with those who do not share that same mindset.


Thanks for all of your replies. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post.

[Fatheroffour]

Wheter you think its reasonable or not really is irrelevant to the issue at hand.

[rewmich]

@fatheroffour: why do you say that? Please explain.

[Trevor]

1. I think the whole "I will miss out on parenting time for 12 days so you have to do exactly the same thing" is not putting the child's best interest at the center. Yours is a family thing, exploring, learning, growing, and distance separates the possibility of her seeing the child in VA. Her priority is tit.4.tat and, apparently, keeping the kid from you. At least you know what level of intellect with whom you're negotiating.

2. Your request is reasonable. But in the absence of agreement otherwise, so is hers. Either you stick to the orders or you negotiate a deal. Whether she is just being difficult or trying to avoid having to change plans late in the game is something I dunno.

3. If you're gonna be a mile away during the last half of June, when you're off, go get the child from day care and return her when mom gets off of work, being certain not to step on her parenting time or not informing her you have picked up daughter [note carefully the tense] and will return her home at what time. This way mom isn't put out one bit and you get your time with your child. If mom isn't working and will be with the child...you may be out of luck. But try anyway.

4. Know that the way you choose to work this arrangement can impact her willingness to agree or not to the whole thing. Maybe she'll say "no deal" to the VA trip. Which one comes first?

[Fatheroffour]

I say that because you are the one requesting. Whether you think it is a reasonable request or not isn't relevant. The one in a position to grant your request is the who decides whether it is reasonable or not and if reasonable is even a consideration. There can be many reasons why she thinks a 7 day lead time is reasonable to her while you think they are all unreasonable. It really doesn't matter.

If you don't like her stipulations, either care for the child yourself or find someone else to care for the child on your time.

That's the bottom line.

Maybe when she finds out you have made other arrangments for the care of the child she will change her stance.

[wcd9973]

Seems like a reasonable request on her part.

Second question -Has she said the ONLY way will be with a 7 day notice? I mean - If you call her 2 days before and say "Looks like Sunday I am going to be able to get away for a few hours, can I come take her to lunch" is she automatically going to say no?