Need advice - many issues

[14afreshstart]

A quick short background.
- dated for 2 yrs at which time i was God and could do no wrong. she simply wanted me
- Divorced over a year ago after 15 yrs of marriage
- she filed, i dragged my feet and did all the wrong things to save my marriage
- did not drink, do drugs, cheat, or physically/mentally abuse. had a good paying job, she was a stay at home mom. she simply wasn't happy and couldn't talk her out of it.
- have 4 kids ages 8 to 16
- it has been a nightmare that i can't seem able to shake loose.
- my world is destroyed and having a horrible time recovering, simply still grieving.
- she now has a bf whom she introduced to our kids already and seems to be serious about it.
- she gets about 3600/month in spousal and child support

Many questions:
- what do i have to do to recover,to forget her given that i still have feelings for her
- kids seem to be caught in the middle as they seem to know what's going on but feel (at least act as if they have to lie or mislead me for whatever reason). this happens quite often and find out afterwards that events that have taken place are not as innocent as they appear to be. i tend to ask the kids a lot of questions as i always feel left out of their lives not knowing what's or if anything is going on behind the scenes. how do i handle this problem.
- any ideas for father's day. i feel like i have to rebuild all the memories that were taken from me.
- is it ok of me to ask for all our wedding pictures and video. afterall she didn't want this marriage to continue. thx

[minuette]

Get thee to a therapist.

I'm sorry this happened, but you need to deal with this so you can focus on being the best dad you can be.

Here's your task list for this week:

If you have mental health services coverage through your insurance, find out what you need to do to access those benefits and who is in your network.

Do some research on local therapists.

Pick a few to call, get their hourly rates.

Schedule an appointment with one as soon as possible.

Attend your appointment with an open mind.

Stop asking your children about their mother.

[jumbledone]

Following up on what minuette said:

Get thee to a therapist.

...

Stop asking your children about their mother.

You have unresolved feelings over this (very understandable). You are pining for what cannot happen again, and your kiddos know that. They're probably not taking this from mom whatsoever. She seems to healthily moved on (as hard as that can be for you). Time for you to do the same thing.

Once you're done obsessing over their mom, and show healthy improvement in your own mental state, kiddos won't feel the need to protect you, and will naturally talk with you (in their own way, of course). Right now, they probably dread chatting with you because you ask a lot of probing questions. Try just 'being' with them, over your or their favorite activity. Focus on not asking questions, but letting the conversation come naturally.

[14afreshstart]

Thank you so much for your help and support, things are getting better overall. i am still however very very distraught over the kids's mental and emotional state.

my 2 oldest 16 and 14 are getting counseling not sure for what i've asked her but i can never get a straight answer. in particular i am concerned about my oldest. i have an account on one of the social media sites for the purpose of keeping up with the going ons with him as i feel now divorced from my kids as well. through his posts, i can see signs of anger and depression and most recently he wrote that life would be much better if his parents weren't divorced. i am concerned to say the least given that teen suicide rate where we live is one of the highest in the country.

this simply broke me up and really feel that i need to do something to help him out. a big part of me wants to forward his words to his mom who is vacationing out of town for a week with her boy friend.

with a broken heart over my loss, i really still want her to be happy and hope she can find herself and happiness with her BF. all the while at the same time i am in pain for the life long misery my kids have inherited.

i really want to make sure she's aware of our kids emotional state. any suggestions would be appreciated. thanks again.

[minuette]

with a broken heart over my loss, i really still want her to be happy and hope she can find herself and happiness with her BF. all the while at the same time i am in pain for the life long misery my kids have inherited.

i really want to make sure she's aware of our kids emotional state. any suggestions would be appreciated. thanks again.

Stop obssessing over her. If she cares about the emotional state of your children, she will deal with it on her own time, in her own way.

Meanwhile, what are YOU doing to reach out to you son? What is he interested in? Whatever it is, find out, arrange to take him someplace that interests him, then take him out for pizza afterwards and TALK to him. It doesn't have to be a deep conversation, in fact, it's probably better if it's kept lighthearted and fun. While you are having a good time with your son, tell him that you love him and if he wants to talk, your ears are always open, no judgment or argument. Then stick to that. After enough times out with you, he should feel comfortable enough to unload on you. Let him speak his piece and then digest it, with the knowledge that he is speaking from his own perspective rather than yours.

Meanwhile, are you in therapy? If not, why not?

[14afreshstart]

Thanks again minuette, appreciate the straight talk.

i'm doing my best (yes i am in therapy) if not for me but for my kids. my oldest and youngest "seem" to be impacted the most. every chance or opportunity i get i try to connect with the kids together and on a one on one basis. we spend a lot of time boating, going out to eat and simply hanging out at home.

every chance i get i tell my kids that i love them and encourage them to talk whenever and about whatever without any conditions.

simply concerned for my kid's well being, knowing that my ex is the one who put him in therapy and told me about it was just wondering if i should tell her.

and yes i still have feelings for my ex. thx